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The Vampire Diaries 3x22: The Departed

A recap of The Vampire Diaries, episode 3x22, "The Departed", with drinking game and ohshitometer.

The Vampire Diaries 3x22: The Departed

Here it is: The moment we've all been waiting for with a mix of excitement and dread: The Vampire Diaries season finale. I love the title of this, the last episode of the season, because it takes me back to Boston, where it would be called "The Depahted." I'll get really nervous if anybody gets in an elevator, though. Soooo... what do we know?

Klaus is daggered, and presumably on his way to the bottom of the ocean. Elena can't choose between the Salvatore brothers, because she doesn't want to lose either of them. YHH is missing in action. Evilaric has become the new president of the Mystic Falls Founder's Council, and Elena lies unconscious on the floor, after massive blood loss, a head injury, and shots of tequila. Let's go!

Elena is NOT unconscious! She's in bed! And happy to hear her alarm go off! And she's a cheerleader! And Aunt Jenna is there! And her mom, and the scarecrow… oooh, she's in the hospital. Mrs. Stefan is telling Jeremy that Elena is going to be just fine, but she wants to keep her overnight for observation. When Jeremy calls Stefan and Damon to tell them this, they are not pleased. They think he should have just let her drink some of their blood. But they need to keep moving, to keep Klaus' daggered body safe from Evilaric, right? Also, Damon is awesome *Drink!* when he thanks Stefan for not being the stupidest brother who ever lived.

Why is it that the girl was always a cheerleader before tragedy struck?"

Meanwhile, Evilaric has come to visit Elena in the hospital.  (Oh Shit! +1)  Oh, and dump out all of Mrs. Stefan's stored vampire blood and tell her that he's having her medical license revoked. It's all part of his new plan to clean up Mystic Falls.  
George: Oh, Alaric, you are so evil, but still incredibly ridiculously good-looking.
He then goes to get Elena, but she's already gone!  (Oh Shit! +2)

Tyler, Matt and Caroline have brought Elena home to save her! And kill her by giving her more alcohol! You can tell they're teenagers, because the thought of vodka in their tea doesn't repulse them. Flashback! *Drink!* Elena and Matt and Bonnie are walking across the high school campus! You know, the place where they used to go to school? And wearing cheerleading uniforms! Well, not Matt. And they're complaining about Caroline! Aw, remember when they weren't really friends with Caroline? And Bonnie was happy-go-lucky and convinced she was a "little bit" psychic? Anyway, Matt and Elena kiss, but she doesn't tell him she loves him back when he says it to her, and Bonnie thinks there's a reason behind that. Elena wakes up, and Matt's watching over her. Awkward. He wants to know what she was dreaming about, but, I already said "awkward" didn't I? She apologizes for stringing him along, and realizes that she's doing the same thing to the Salvatore brothers. Matt asks her which one she'll choose, but then Stefan comes busting through the door, so we STILL don't know.

Jeremy is picking up takeout, when two beers are placed on the counter next to him. And it's Evilaric!  (Oh Shit! +3)
George: (as Evilaric) What are you doing in a bar Jeremy? Underage drinking? I'm your guardian, you know…

Elena doesn't want to be coddled anymore, but Matt thinks that maybe she's not making the best decisions right now. Stefan is still all about letting her make whatever decisions she wants, because if he lets her choose, she just might choose him! I think it would only be fair to point out here that while I love Elena, girl has been known to make some bad decisions. But then Elena goes to the door, and it's YHH!!!! (Oh Shit! +4) Hi YHH, I think I speak for everyone on the planet when I tell you that we've missed you.

Evilaric wants Jeremy to tell him where they're keeping Klaus' body so he can rid Mystic Falls of the scourge of vampires! (Oh Shit! +5) And then he will let Jeremy lock him away until Elena dies of old age. And then he will die, too. His sentiment ALMOST seems… healthy. From a human perspective. But Evilaric, what would life in Mystic Falls be if not for all of the beautiful, beautiful vampires around? I propose a different option. Instead of KILLING all of the vampires, you should all just go around shirtless doing good deeds, like helping little old ladies across the street and pulling the weeds out of people's gardens and holding wrestling matches in the center of town for entertainment. Now, doesn't that sound peaceful?

YHH is telling Stefan and Elena that all they need to do is get the One Stake away from Evilaric, and then he and his family would scatter to the ends of the earth, and Evilaric will follow them. YHH is promising to not revive Klaus during her lifetime, to teach him some manners. Oh, and because he's such a man of honor -- hence his seat at the Handsome Club table -- he deeply regrets any trouble he's caused Elena. He tells her she can either trust him or not, and Damon is awesome *Drink!* over speakerphone with his"Not!" and "no, no NO no"s.  But Elena -- and let me reference my above line about bad decisions -- takes the deal. (Oh Shit! +6)

Caroline and Tyler meet up with their moms, and Mommy Sheriff tells them that Evilaric outed them to the council, so they'd better get out of town. (Oh Shit! +7)
George: And I'm the sheriff, so that sentence does have some gravity to it…

Jeremy and Matt are having a meeting of the Handsome Club, Junior League, Paranormal Division, and Jeremy tells Matt that even if he did want to help Evilaric, he has no idea where Klaus' body is. But Matt does. (Oh Shit! +8)

I often feel like Matt is the unsung hero of the show. Poor Matt.

Evilaric is sitting at the bar, keeping his drunk up, when Jeremy calls him. Jeremy tells him where to find Klaus' body, but oh snap! It's in front of Matt and Elena and Stefan and YHH! It was a double cross! (Oh Shit! +9)

Caroline and Tyler are arguing about whether or not they can just leave town. Tyler just wants to protect Caroline, and she decides she'll go with him, anywhere, as long as she has her curling iron. But first she has to help her friends. So they decide to meet in two hours. (Oh Shit! +10) Guys. That is the classic mistake. You shouldn't split up.

Bonnie and Damon are walking along some corridors and Damon is not happy about Elena's decision. Bonnie tells him it was Elena's call, but Damon is awesome *Drink!* with his "You know what else was her call? Everything bad, ever." Turns out, Damon hid Klaus in a storage facility. He is awesome *Drink!* in his "666" references, and for referring to Klaus as a "beef jerkified vampire." Bonnie is supposed to do a spell so Evilaric can't locate Klaus, but she wants to gloat over him a little bit first. And there's Klaus! He's alive! And his eyes are open! He just can't move.

"You are free to choose whatEVER you want. But I really, really, really hope it's me."

 Elena and Stefan have a heart to heart about protecting Jeremy, and how Elena is afraid of more of her friends and family dying. She calls to him as he's about to leave, but then tells him to forget it. He pauses for a moment, but then goes back to her for a kiss! *Drink!* Scorching! (Oh Shit! +11)
George: Remember THAT, Elena!

Stefan calls Damon, who is waiting for Rebekah to come pick up Klaus' body, and Damon is still PO'd about Elena's decision. He is awesome *Drink!* with his suggestion that instead they could have "grabbed her, gagged her, threw her in a well." But just then the storage door opens, and Damon goes to greet Rebekah, but it's Evilaric! Oh Shit! +12)
George: Funny thing is, I don't think he regrets the "'Bout time, sexy" part of the greeting.
Evilaric wants to know where Klaus is, but Damon isn't going to tell him. So Evilaric breaks his neck! (Oh Shit! +13)

Ho hum. What's a poor girl to do?

Matt brings Elena some tea, and thankfully there's just a bit too much honey in it, but no vodka. He leads with "So, Stefan…" and Elena starts talking about how Stefan not only saved her from the accident that killed her parents, but then helped her figure out how to live again. The only problem? Damon. We're not getting anywhere, Elena. She wishes she had her mom there to give her some advice, and I can't help but think that's a bit of a slap in the face to Matt, because he's never had his mom or his dad, and not only did he lose Elena to Stefan, but his only sibling is also dead.
George: (as Matt) So… us getting back together's not an option, huh?

Flashback! *Drink!* Elena is at a bonfire, but she calls home for a ride, because she and Matt got into a fight. She's afraid of losing him -- recognize a pattern here? -- but her mom tells her that she wouldn't be losing Matt if she ended their relationship, she'd be setting him free.

Man, JUST as you're about to pour yourself a glass of wine, the teenager calls for a ride...

Then Elena wakes up in the back of a car.
George: Is Elena going all Katniss here, or what?
Matt drugged the tea! And loaded her into his truck to get her out of town to keep her safe! (Oh Shit! +14)

Evilaric is searching fruitlessly for Klaus' body when Rebekah arrives. (Oh Shit! +15)

I really think it's all of those shirts inhibiting your search, Mr. President.

 He pulls out the One Stake, and there's a bunch of creepy vampire-stalking music, and then someone grabs her from behind! (Oh Shit! +16) But it's Damon! They slip away, just as Evilaric sees the missing lock on the storage room that Klaus is in, but when he opens it, it's empty! Because Rebekah and Damon are rushing Klaus out! But Evilaric catches up with them! (Oh Shit! +17) And knocks them aside! And opens the casket! And stakes Klaus with the One Stake! (Oh Shit!!! +999,999) OH NOES!!!!! And his body bursts into flames and Rebekah weeps for all of us. *POUR ONE OUT.* But there's no time for grieving, as Damon tells Rebekah to run.

Damon calls Stefan to tell him the news. If Klaus IS the sire of their bloodline, they don't have enough time to see each other before they die. (Oh Shit! +1,000,000) Stefan wants Damon to be able to say goodbye to Elena, but Damon thinks he'll skip out on that. Then Jeremy tells Stefan that he and Matt decided to kidnap Elena out of town. Stefan bravados that everything will all be alright.

Matt gets the call from Jeremy, and Elena immediately wants to go back. But then Matt tells her that if they go back, she can see Stefan, but if they keep going in the direction they're headed, she'll be able to see Damon. You have to choose, Elena! Oh man, what if this was all just a really, really elaborate ploy by the Salvatores to get her to pick one already! (Oh Shit! +1,000,001)
George: She has to Sophie's choose it!

Elena calls Damon… to tell him that she's heading back home. To Stefan. But also to Caroline and Tyler and Jeremy. So, since he might be dying, Damon asks her if she had to choose, just between him and Stefan, what would her choice be? Elena starts crying and tells him that she met Stefan first, and fell in love with him first, and whatever she feels for Damon, she never unfelt for Stefan, and so BECAUSE she cares about him, she has to let him go. Damon is, understandably, bummed by this news, even though she says that maybe if she met him first… but then Evilaric is back! Damon hangs up on Elena and is awesome *Drink!* noting that Evilaric is still pissed. But that doesn't warm the cuckolds of Evilaric's heart like it used to, and he punches Damon across the room! (Oh Shit! +1,000,002)

A frantic Caroline is searching for Tyler in his campout cave, and I CAN'T BELIEVE I forgot about Tyler!!! (Oh Shit! +1,000,003) OH NOES!!! He's the only one who was definitely sired by Klaus. How could I have forgotten, what with ALL of the sire bond talk this season?!! Could it be that Tyler's werewolf self will survive somehow? Aw man, just when he's gotten awesome. I should have seen this coming. Tyler goes all Jack to Caroline's Rose, telling her about her beautiful future, but wants her to leave as he starts feeling like he's dying, so he transforms into a wolf to make her get away from him. (Oh Shit! +1,000,004) Maybe this will save him?

Elena gets off the phone with Caroline with the news about Tyler, and Matt has a mad/sad. *Drink!*

Rebekah reunites with YHH and they share a sad *Drink!* about their brother. YHH tells her that Tyler is dead, but the rest are still alive, and they ponder how that could be, since none of them started the bloodlines that created the Salvatores and company. (Oh Shit! +1,000,005)

Bonnie enters a cave and calls out to someone. And it's Tyler! He's alive! (Oh Shit! +1,000,006) But HOLD. THE. PHONE. This shit just took CRAY to a whole new level. Bonnie performed a spell that switched Tyler's and Klaus' bodies, so Klaus is STILL alive!!!! (Oh Shit! +99,999,999) But Tyler is dead!!!! (Oh Shit! +100,000,000) Even though the first one technically doesn't count, I feel like we need another of these, in honor of Tyler. *POUR ONE OUT*

Rebekah calls Stefan to tell him that the deal's off and she's not running anymore. And that they have to get rid of Evilaric, and the only way to get rid of Evilaric… (Oh Shit! +999,999,999,999) is to stand on the Wickery Bridge and run Matt and Elena off of it!!!! Which she does!!! (Oh... the ohshitometer just gave me A LOOK, like "Don't push it, sister.")

Flashback! *Drink!* Elena is in the back of her parent's car, and it's filling up with water, and her dad is telling her they're going to be alright, but they're sinking really fast! (Still broken)

Evilaric is beating Damon up really badly, but Damon won't fight back, because they used to be friends. And also Evilaric is kind of invincible. (Oh... yeah, still broken)
George: Not the face, Evilaric. Not. The. Face.
Flashback! *Drink!* Damon is lying in the road as Elena is talking on the phone to Bonnie. He thinks she's Katherine, but then they meet and she ends up telling him about her relationship problems. And then he tells her that she wants what everyone wants: a love that consumes her, and passion and adventure and maybe even a little danger. And OH MY GOD, they actually DID meet first!!!!!! She asks him what he wants, and he compels her to forget that they met!!!! (OH MY SHIITTTT!!!!!! Sorry, ohshitometer.) In the present, Damon asks Evilaric if that's all he's got, and then Evilaric says "Not quite." and raises the One Stake, and I feel I must tell you that at this point I just shrieked "Oh nonononononono!" and PAUSED my DVR, because I can't watch!!! Arghhhh!!!!!! But then Damon starts to FIGHT BACK!!! (OHPOOPYCACA)

Matt's truck is on the bottom of the lake, and Elena tries to wake him as she simultaneously has a flashback *Drink!* to her father trying to break her out the first time. Stefan swims down, both in past and present -- in the past, Elena's dad motions Stefan to help Elena, while in the present Elena motions Stefan to help Matt. Not to get nitpicky here, but I think Stefan could have taken them both. Also not to keep making Titanic references, but this is a bit like the ONE try Jack made to get on the door. Then Elena seems to stop breathing... And Damon is fighting Evilaric, when Evilaric suddenly starts beef jerkifying! Damon holds him, and calls out to Elena. (SHIT SHIT)

Jeremy is trying to get in touch with Matt, but then Alaric is in the house! And he's awesome *Drink!* with his not really knowing how he got there, but that he just wanted to say goodbye. He tells Jeremy that he'll always be watching over him, and OMG Alaric is a ghost!!!! (AW SHIT) And here is another, it saddens me greatly: *POUR ONE OUT*

Elena is lying dead on a hospital bed while Stefan cries over her. Damon busts up in the hospital, but Mrs. Stefan stops him. Turns out, when Elena was in the hospital earlier? She had cerebral hemorrhaging, not just a concussion, so Mrs. Stefan gave her some vampire blood, and OHMYGOD, Elena is a vampire!!!!!!!!! (OH SHITSHITSHITSHIT!!!!)

Wow, well. I don't know if the ohshitometer will ever work again. That was one hell of an episode! And while the whole "who would Elena choose" thing started to feel like the poor dead horse, I have to say, WELL DONE. And I think it's about time Elena becomes a vampire. But what about you?

Jenny Bird's photo About the Author: Jenny grew up on a steady diet of Piers Anthony, Isaac Asimov and Star Wars novels. She has now expanded her tastes to include television, movies, and YA fiction.