Welcome to this week's summer reruns of Melrose Place! After the skull-numbingly boring pilot, it was nice to get to episode three, with its whiffs of jealousy, cheating, and statutory rape. Niiiiice. I apologize for anything I missed from episode two, because it was pretty boring and I've forgotten what most of my notes meant, but I'm sure y'all will fill in any crucial omissions.
Episode 2: Friends and Lovers
Billy has a new job as a taxi driver, and picks up a woman who turns out to be crazy. Oh, '90s! Despite your invention of political correctness and the riot grrl, it's somehow acceptable to have a show that simultaneously decries sexual harassment in the workplace and depicts single women as commitment-hungry, stalker lunatics.
Allison is still worried about sexual harassment, but it seems to fizzle out by the end.
Jake gets arrested at the DMV, and Kelly tries to bail him out with daddy's credit card in a misguided attempt to fix her man.
Any scene with the crazy new girlfriend, especially when she uses Allison's deodorant. Gross!
'90s Fashion Sightings
I'm excluding all the mom jeans and tucked-in t-shirts, because otherwise this count would be outta control!
Allison's baseball shirt
A Dr. Ruth appearance! Well, just the TV show, but you can bet she solves those sex problems.
Episode 3: Lost and Found
We're getting into the classic soap format, of lots of miniplots strung out over the season rather than one dominant plot. This is good, since it means less screen time for Allison and Billy.
Billy's writing a screenplay, and he's super excited about it. Too bad it sucks.
Dr. Michael and Jane are STILL having marital problems, probably because Dr. Michael is a douchebag of the first order. He cancels their super sexy date, and Jane goes out with her friends to Shooters, where jealous Rhonda pushes her to pretend like she's single and "just have some fun!" As an old married lady, can I just say this always totally pisses me off? LAME, single people. Just let Jane have fun without pressuring her to get hit on and lose her heirloom wedding ring!
Kelly keeps pressuring Jake, and he doesn't want to get involved because he's a GROWNUP and she's IN HIGH SCHOOL. She puts the moves on him, and he chickendicks his way out of it by staging a fake other woman intervention. He and Sandy from the South bond over it.
The opening scene, a part of Billy's screenplay that takes place in a jazz club, had me looking over my shoulder hoping no one in the library could see what I was watching.
Rhonda in the bar. I really hope she doesn't last much longer, because watching her twitch and sass her way through scenes might make my face permanently red.
Everything about Billy is also embarrassing, but I really cringed at his Desi Arnez impression. I should probably get over it, though, if I'm going to survive this show.
Kelly's attempts to seduce Jake are more sad and pathetic than embarrassing, because she's only a dumb teenager. I just want to take her aside and, "Oh, honey," her. Kelly! He's too old for you!
'90s Fashion Sightings
Allison has some awesome shoulder-padded blazers. I wonder if she's wearing suspenders with them?
Lame pickup line: It's like you're lit from within by a little piece of the sun.
Billy's AWESOME computer, complete with a monitor screen that's smaller than the floppy disk. MAN the computer is awesome.
I need to start compiling a drinking game, so chime in with your suggestions in the comments!
Whenever Dr. Michael and Jane have rampant PDA
Any time Sandy says something Southern
At an especially noticeable (or terrifying) example of '90s fashion (it's going to be epic when there are more scenes with Jane)