As most of y'all probably know, the full length Breaking Dawn Part 2 trailer rolled out yesterday, and the first time I watched it, I actually shed a tear. Not because I was emotionally moved by the preview (God no!), but because I realized that THIS IS THE LAST TWILIGHT TRAILER I WILL EVER ANALYZE. You guys! What will we do with ourselves here in the FYA lab? Will our mockery scientific skills slowly dwindle into nothingness? IS THIS THE DEATH OF LAUGHTER?
Then I read this article about a reboot rumor and felt much better.
So though this might not be the true end of Twilight, this trailer is an important specimen and deserves our utmost attention. Let us examine our subject!
In the words of En Vogue, "Now it's time for a break down!"
"After 18 years of being utterly ordinary... I finally felt I could shine." Because you have to be a vampire before you can have any self-worth. That's just, like, the rules of feminism!
Quite trying to make fugly rings happen, Twilight. THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
"We're the same temperature now." And we can wear the same crappy white make-up! YAY!
"I didn't expect you to seem so... you." And I didn't expect YOU to be wearing a SHIRT, much less one with LONG SLEEVES. WTF JACOB.
"I have to report a crime. The Cullens have done something terrible." Yeah, no kidding. They named a baby RENESMEE.
THEY NAMED HER WHAT?!!!!!
Wait, let me check. Yep, big fugly rings STILL NOT HAPPENING.
The Volturi are the Big Bads of the movie, and Aro is their feared leader. So, naturally, the costume and make-up people decided to make him look like Michael Jackson.
Because Aro's BAD, he's BAD, YOU KNOW IT. (REALLY BAD!)
This is what happens when you decide to split a book that was already WAY too long (not to mention unnecessary) into two separate films. A broken vase constitutes HIGH DRAMA. And even makes it into the trailer. Wow.
PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
LEE PACE! Is that you?! It's so hard to tell, since you're standing next to a girl with such shiny smooth hair. And also because you look like the lead singer from Snow Patrol.
If I lay here! IF I JUST LAAAAAY HERE!
MORE PRODUCT PLACEMENT!
Ok, this was the moment I realized that I had totally fallen for one of those parody movies. You know, like Scary Movie or Vampires Suck, where the preview starts out like a regular movie and then, suddenly, a completely goofy character like Mountain Man Vampire shows up! HA HA HA. YOU GOT ME GOOD, TRAILER. YOU GOT ME-- wait, what? This is still the actual trailer for the real Breaking Dawn Part 2? SERIOUSLY?
Are you SURE? Because I'm pretty sure that's a Tyra Banks Vampire on the right, and I know she wasn't in the books. Which is a shame.
This is the trailer saying, "Hey, in spite of the worldwide blockbuster success of these movies, don't be expecting any of them fancy special effects. Got it?"
God I hope not.
And... still not scary! In fact, I'm getting a total '80s music video vibe from this shot. That's, like, some straight up Falco shizz right there.
I love how they don't show Renesmee's face at any point during the trailer. It's like they don't want to remind us of that CGI NIGHTMARE we all witnessed at the end of Part 1. Even more important, they've omitted any scenes featuring Jacob gazing pervily at a five-year-old girl.
To conclude, I STILL CANNOT BELIEVE THAT THIS MOVIE IS HAPPENING.
About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).
