Guys. I tried. I really did. I was planning on giving Bunheads a five episode trial period, but after last night's quirkapalooza, I've gotta retire these toe shoes.
But before I get into rant mode, here's what happened:
Picking up where the last episode left off, Michelle and Fanny are trying to process the fact that Hubbell left everything, including the house and the land, to Michelle, which means Fanny has nothing. Of course, Fanny takes this SUPER well. The next day, Michelle discovers the bunheads bragging about the grossness of their feet and taking photos in the hopes of winning the regional Disgusting Feet contest. (The part about the tiny toe in the middle of that girl's foot? NOT NECESSARY.) Michelle delivers a great line, "I'm gonna go be old now," and walks straight into a fight with Fanny, who offers to pay her a dime to use some water in order to make tea. Over in the studio, boys appear! YAY! Except... they're not cute boys. At all. One of them is Melanie's brother Charlie, who is also apparently Boo's #1 crush.
Back at the house, Ginny's mom Claire (who looks so familiar?!) shows up and uses scare tactics to convince Michelle that she needs to sell the house and the land. And, surprise surprise, she's a realtor! Fanny sees them walking together and completely freaks, assuming that Michelle would actually get rid of the house, so Michelle stomps off and decides to take Hubbell's cherry red vintage car for a spin. Of course, it breaks down on a private road, and Lou, the tow truck driver, won't dare to trespass on private property, so her car is stuck.
Back at the dance studio, Boo decides to dance in the front to impress Charlie, but Sasha embarrasses her, and Charlie laughs. Because he's a douchebag who wears sunglasses indoors. Meanwhile on the private road, a police officer has shown up, and he throws Michelle in the back of the cop car for trespassing (and being difficult.) Fanny shows up to spring her out from the car, and Michelle decides to find the owner of the private road so she can get permission to tow her car. Sasha's mean girl moments continue, but then we see her looking wistfully at Boo and her mom as they giggle over bad smelling mac & cheese, so we know that the whole bitch thing is just an act. COLOR ME SHOCKED.
Michelle reaches the gorgeous mansion at the end of the private road and meets Grant (also known as Bill), a silver fox who is super rich and likes to spend hours decanting wine. They talk, and when Michelle gets a text informing her that the girls have won the Disgusting Feet contest, Grant points out that the dance studio might be worthy of Michelle's passion. His words sink in further when Michelle finds Sasha dancing alone at the studio, because her parents obviously don't care where she is. The episode ends with Michelle walking through the adorbs guest house (Has this been there the whole time? Really?! WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG?) and informing Fanny that she is going to live there while Fanny stays in the main house. Then they (or, at least Michelle) proceed to decant wine and get really drunk.
Scenes Featuring Alcohol: 3
In spite of my issues with this show, I am continuously impressed by the amount of alcohol featured. At the beginning, when the lawyer is trying to explain things to Fanny and Michelle, I was all, "Why are you drinking TEA? This situation calls for WHISKEY," and sure enough, Michelle brought out a bottle and did two shots! Good girl. And then there was not one but two scenes with wine decanting. Classy.
Episode MVP: Boo
Boo is, like, the one character who actually seems genuine on this show. She's sweet and earnest without being annoying, and she manages to infuse authentic emotion into all of her scenes. I actually feel bad for not watching Bunheads anymore after this, because, like, what if Boo needs a hug and I'm not there to give it to her?
Worst Scenery Damage (From all of the chewing. Get it? GET IT?): Grant & Michelle Hit It Off
This was a tough one, because there were SO MANY CONTRIVED PERFORMANCES in this episode. I thought about choosing the Private Road Debate or the Real Estate Fear Tactics, because both of those scenes got real tired, real fast, but since this is all about the overacting, I had to go with Grant and Michelle's meet cute. I mean, I get that the fast talking thing is a Gimore Girls trademark but SERIOUSLY? Their banter was entirely too witty and breezy for a first encounter, and in spite of Michelle's exaggerated acting (She was so tired! She needed water! She needed a ride! Because THE DRIVEWAY WAS ENTIRELY TOO LONG!) the scene fell totally flat.
Percentage of the Show Featuring Actual Dancing: 2%
I KNOW. I KNOW. We didn't even get an actual performance. Just a brief class session and then Sasha's minute of sneaky last night practice. ZZZZ.
Hot Guys: 0
I guess Grant was supposed to be hot, huh?
WTF Moment: Healthy Mac & Cheese
WHY IN GOD'S NAME WOULD YOU EVER TRY TO MAKE MAC & CHEESE HEALTHY? WHYYYYYY?
Comparing this episode to last week's (and the pilot before that), it feels like this series is on a steady decline into wacky absurdity and Hallmark moments. I still haven't really connected with any of the characters (although I do like Boo), and in spite of the death of Hubbell and supposed grief that follows, I haven't felt any emotional impact whatsoever. Sutton Foster is definitely a firecracker, but she's not really delving deep, and the writing isn't doing anyone any favors.
So, my fellow ballet swimfans, it is with much disappointment that I have decided not to keep recapping Bunheads. I'm sorry! Feel free to tell me in the comments that I've made the wrong choice! And if it makes you feel better, my analysis of Dance Academy Season Two is coming soon....