I will not wish you a happy Wednesday, ladies and Brian. I will not do so, because today is a sad Wednesday. It is a Wednesday in our darkest timeline. Let's just pause for a moment and think - as I did last night - what Pretty Little Liars would be like in the hands of the great Nora Ephron. For one thing, people would actually talk about their feelings. For another, the soundtrack would be entirely comprised of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald. And for a third, by the end of the episode, we'd actually have some damn closure. Rest in peace, Nora. You were good to us.
Okay, so with that said, let's see what these kids are up to.
The sprightly Aria:
Aria decides that Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, is a sad divorcee who needs to get laid, so she sets up an online dating profile for her. Prozzie Mom helps her out, because Prozzie Mom is a pro at online dating. And street dating and dating where there's no dinner, just sex, and money is left on the bedside table. She puts the "PRO" in "Prozzie."
Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, who for some reason has yet again moved out of the house and into an apartment, so I guess the University owns The House of Woodland Delights, thinks Aria is sweet for caring, but that she's cool with being lonely. It doesn't bother her at all that Actor/Director Chad Lowe is dating Jodie Sawyer again. That's because Holly Marie Combs, Child Bride, knows that Cooper Neilson's Ballet Company isn't going to go anywhere and whhhhy didn't she just accept the place in the corps at American Ballet Company so that she could stare at Jonathan's eyebrows all day.
By the way, you'll all be delighted to know that Aria is back to wearing ridiculously ugly clothing. I'm so glad. All is right in my world.
Our bitter Emily:
Emily meets up with Nate, who is the late Maya's cousin. Her very, very hot cousin. Hot Nate gives Emily a package that Maya had ordered shortly before her death - it's a tshirt relating to the movie they saw on their first date. Aww. Emily is touched but I'm still confused as to how exactly Maya died. Hot Nate tells Emily that he feels like Maya'd still be alive if her parents hadn't threatened to send her back to Gay Away Camp, which implies that she OD'd. Yet Garrett is in jail for her murder, so . . . how'd she die?
Anyway, although Hot Nate is notably hot, I am a bit suspicious of him. He's hanging around Emily too much and promised to mail her letter to Maya's parents. Hmmmm.
Oh, also, Em has a new job at a coffee shop. Her boss is hilarious. He's very big into pushing the coffee. Push the gluten-free biscotti, Em!! I hope he sticks around, cause he's a campy good time and now that Lucas has decided to be a surly punk, we need us a little fun.
The irrepressible Hanna:
Hanna's not having the greatest week. First she's told that Mona has lost her visitation priviledges, on account of her reaction to Caleb in last week's episode. This causes Hanna to get mad at Caleb, and he get mad at her, because she's a big girl and can do what she lives and/or she needs protection cause she's always fucking everything up all the time. Aria encourages Hanna to tell Caleb about A, hilariously saying that "if it were [her] and Fitz, [she] would tell him." Um . . . it IS you and Fitz, Aria. You have backed down from telling him about A like 30 times! Though not lately, which just goes to show that Aria is totally A. Her punishments are so lame.
Hanna can't stay away from Mona (or Wren?) and spies Jerk Detective going in to talk with Mona! He has a court order overriding her lockdown! Ooooh! She and Wren wonder what's up. Wren really wants Hanna to keep visiting Mona because
he likes her he thinks she's helping Mona.
Hanna's all set to tell Caleb about A until she gets a text from A . . . a picture of a car wreck. In Montecito, CA. And, sure enough, Caleb comes over, upset, because someone ran his mom off the road. She's okay, but scared. And Hanna realizes she can't tell Caleb about A because then A will target the rest of his family. Or because Caleb would immediately go to the police like a normal human being and this whole show would be over. Caleb, annoyed that Hanna is keeping secrets, dumps her. Which is sad for Hanna but awesome for us, because Hanna's such a nice cryer.
Let's hear it for the Hastings! Not so fast, Ma and Melissa.
Butthair's back!! He's back and his hair is becoming a bit more Butt-shaped! Hooray! We've missed you, Butthair! He interrupts a press conference that Ma Hastings is holding in The Only Restaurant in Rosewood (why there?) and intimates loudly that Ma Hastings has an agenda for repping Garrett! Butthair also tries to post a reward of 50 thousand dollars for anyone with info on Alison's missing remains. Sister Spencer warns him that he'll probably get beset by crackpots.
Meanwhile!! The identity of the Black Swan has decided to be questioned, and now that the girls know that Melissa has been faking at least part of her pregnancy, she's in the running for Black Swandom! So Spencer agrees to meet Melissa in Philly and distract her while the other three girls search her apartment. Which they do, and they find a costume bag and . . . dun dun dun . . . a black feather!! That's enough to convict Melissa in their minds, but Spencer takes the novel approach of ACTUALLY ASKING MELISSA A FORWARD QUESTION. I know! I nearly fell off my couch! Being honest and straight-forward? That's just crazy talk!
Melissa admits that she lost her baby the day after she found Ian's dead body and was faking it ever since. Why? She wasn't ready to deal with it, but she'd been surrounded by press who would have made it worse. I . . . actually buy that. I dunno. I don't think I'd want my miscarriage splashed on the front page of the paper. And as for the costume? She received it in the mail with a note telling her that she had to wear it to the masquerade dance, or else everyone would know about her fake-by. I . . . kinda buy that too, actually. I mean, it'd make sense - she feels blackmailed so she conveniently has a miscarriage a few weeks later so that there's nothing left to blackmail her with. Am I starting to believe Melissa?? What has happened to me?
It also turns out that the reason Ma Hastings is representing Garrett is so that she can repress evidence!! Apparently Garrett's not-so-dumb Public Defender was going to call the Private Investigator that the Hastings hired to track Melissa after Ali's disappearance as a witness. Ma Hastings can't have that!
Spencer comes across Butthair while on a walk. He admits that he got a lot of crackpot tips and that he's ending the reward offer. But when Spencer walks away, he makes out a check for 50 thousand to cash. Can you even do that anymore? I haven't made a check out to cash in years. And I'm pretty sure that if I needed 50 grand, I'd just go to the bank and withdraw it. Where does he expect that check to be cashed? The local 7-11?
Spencer also runs into Jerk Detective. He asks her a leading question about the Lake House and drives off. Sounds like someone got an earful from Mona!
Son of Gloved McEvilson:
In the credits, Son of Gloved McEvilson is in the Montecito airport, flying back to PA. S/he takes time to lift Mona's visitation restriction via hacking into the Sanitarium's website. And s/he leaves a 50 dollar tip for the bartender! Man! I want to be part of the A Team if I get to throw around that much cash!
That's it for this week and next week will be an all-day marathon in order to celebrate our nation's freedom. We overthrew tyranny so that we could watch Pretty Little Liars, damnit! God Bless America! What did y'all think of last night's ep? Is season three heating up or are we doomed to spend another year not having any answers? Sound off below!