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Summer Reruns: Melrose Place, 1x4-5

This week's Melrose Place hits "For Love Ore Money" and "Leap of Faith".  At this rate, Meghan'll never even finish season 1.

Summer Reruns: Melrose Place, 1x4-5

Previous rewatch: "Friends and Lovers" and "Lost and Found"

I'm thinking I need to start picking "best of" episodes for each season, because there's no way I'll get through all of them this summer otherwise. Two a week is about all I have time to watch, so starting next week, I'll just be hitting highlights from the seven seasons and 226 episodes. I take requests!

The drinking game rules

Drink:

Every time you want to punch someone in the face (make it a shot for Dr. Michael)
Billy rolls his eyes or makes a goofy face
Sandy says something Southern, like mentioning her mama
An especially noticeable (or terrifying) example of '90s fashion
Any totally embarrassing scene

Chug:

For excessive PDA

Episode 4: For Love Ore Money

(Yes, that's REALLY how it's spelled. Really.)

Many Plots

Jake needs a job, and gets one at a snooty coffeeshop, complete with a snooty British-ish owner who likes to go around ramming espresso tamping thingies up people's asses. In the middle of a rush on tall, decaf cappuccinos, Jake's ex Perry -- a Winona Ryder lookalike with a serious coke habit -- saunters in with a proposition: Jake should play the hot new artist in her latest swindle scheme, an art gallery.

Rick from the mailroom hits on Allison, and it turns out his dad is the CEO of a sunscreen company that's one of the ad company's biggest accounts. Of course, Rick doesn't really want in Allison's mom jeans! He just wants to steal her ideas! But she handles the challenge with integrity and impresses the ballbuster career woman (don't even get me started on feminism, women, and workplace culture this week, but if you're interested for serious, check out Anne-Marie Slaughter's piece in the Atlantic. AMAZING, but you may want to avoid the troll-fest in the comments).

Matt is having trouble getting people to help him at the youth shelter, and Rhonda flakes out one too many times. Somehow, he ends up apologizing to her at the end. WTF?

Embarrassing Scenes

Rhonda does several "aerobics" routines that look more like she's a marionette with a meth-addicted puppeteer.

When Rick comes to pick Allison up for a date, Billy answers the door in nothing but a towel. It's surprisingly funny, until he starts playing protective dad. Then it veers into cringe territory.

'90s Fashion Sightings

Jane and Dr. Michael go jogging in these awesome t-shirts -- Dr. Michael's has the Cat in the Hat and Jane's has some photo of kids on a beach. They remind me so much of the Kermit the Frog/Calvin Klein shirt that was incredibly popular when I was in 8th grade.

Miscellaneous

Jake and Perry make an ass painting in one of the most unsexy-but-hilarious makeout scenes ever.
Allison's sunscreen ad pitch includes the phrase, "Sunscreen is '90s". Apparently this means protective but sexy, not covered in flannel and incredibly earnest.

Episode 5: Leap of Faith

Many Plots

Billy gets a column in a free newspaper, but thinks he's had too sheltered a life to make it as a writer. He convinces Matt and Jake to go bungee jumping with him in order to live on the edge, but chickens out and decides his life isn't worth risking. Writer's block broken! Hurrah! Allison approves.

Jane is pregnant but doesn't think Dr. Michael can pull his head from rapt contemplation of his own colon long enough to agree it's a good time as any to make babies, so she decides to have an abortion without telling him. Of course, dumbass Rhonda spills the beans, and he goes crazy, and is unable to shut up long enough to listen to Jane tell him she decided NOT to have the abortion. It all works out in the end -- after one beer with the guys, Dr. Michael decides having a baby is great, and Jane tells him he's always right and knows everything and gee, isn't it great she married such a wonderful guy?

Embarrassing Scenes

The pool party at the beginning of the episode is full of shame-inducing dancing and one-liners.

Billy -- I have got to just start ignoring this guy, because my vicarious embarrassment is going to kill me otherwise and HE'S obviously not affected -- waxes poetic about manliness and manhood, right before deciding NOT to jump off a bridge. (I'll say this for him -- jumping off a bridge never seemed like a good idea to me, either.)

'90s Fashion Sightings

Jane's not-so-secret ambition is to start her own line of "funky" evening wear, and in a hormone-induced manic phase, she whips up two dresses so horrendous, even she thinks they're terrible. One includes denim and patchwork.

Jane also wears a white peasant blouse that's almost the fraternal twin to a dark green silk one I had and LOVED. 

Miscellaneous

RHONDA. For the love of all that's holy and unholy, STOP TALKING. I think I'm going to skip ahead to season two, when she no longer exists.

Next rewatch: The rest of Season 1

Meghan Miller's photo About the Author: Meghan is an erstwhile librarian in exile from Texas and writer for Forever Young Adult. She loves books, cooking and homey things like knitting and vintage cocktails. Although she’s around books all the time, she doesn’t get to read as much as she’d like.