Previous episode: "I Am Jenna Hamilton" and "Fateful"
AWKWARD IS BACK! AWKWARD IS BACK! YOU GUYS AWKWARD IS BAAAAAAACK!!!!
I have to admit, it's weird to be THIS excited about a program on MTV. I mean, how did a show as great as Awkward come from the channel that brings us Teen Mom and Jersey Shore, which is now apparently a new show with just Snooki and JWoww because, yeah, THAT really needed to happen.
But hey, putting up with commercials featuring Snooki's pregnant belly is a small price to pay for the awesomeness of seeing Jenna, Tamara, Ming and the rest of the gang again. So let's get straight into some analysis!
Fave slang/phrase: "I am to' up from the floor up, beat up from the feet up and I need a check up from the neck up." (Valerie)
Matty or Jake (who won this episode): Jake. By a billion points.
OMG moment: Matty kissing Sadie! (tied with) When Teen Mom (Jenna's mother) opens up the letter!
Here's What Happened:
The episode opens with Jenna's Night After Christmas-style blog entry, an annoyingly rhymey way to tell us that she's been seeing Jake, and that she hasn't confronted Teen Mom about the letter. There's a super cute montage of her and Jake being all lovey dovey (plus cookies!), and then it's Christmas morning. Teen Dad holds up an Ed Hardy shirt and asks, "I'm not a douchebag, am I?" No sir, but you are still SMOKIN' HOT. Which is why I will forgive you for giving your daughter condoms as a present, because they are obviously meant to be stocking stuffers. Teen Mom gives her a diamond necklace ("This is who you are."), which is a much more appropriate not to mention classy gift. Nice work, Teen Mom! If I were Jenna, I'd forgive you INSTANTLY. Because I am more shallow than a 15-year-old girl.
"Thanks Mom, but I prefer honesty over diamonds. Because I'm 15, and I don't understand yet that diamonds really ARE a girl's best friend. Diamonds will never hook up with your boyfriend or spread rumors that you have an STD or tell you that tube tops are a good idea." JUST TAKE THE DIAMOND, JENNA.
Later, Jenna and Tamara are talking on the phone while getting ready for a big NYE party, and Tamara delivers the gem, "Commit legit." Teen Mom comes into Jenna's room and, when Jenna locks herself in the bathroom, Teen Mom says she knows that her daughter is avoiding her. But she thinks it's because Jake hasn't made their relationship public on the internet. "It takes a while for boys to commit. Which is why you have to manipulate them into it!"
Back on her laptop, Jenna gets a comment on her blog and totally freaks out, which is weird, because 1. She has no idea if the commenter knows her or not. 2. It's probably just cleverly disguised spam. Nowadays, bots are ALL about the flattery, y'all. "This is a most interesting article!" "You made such good points!" etc. etc.
Jenna, Tamara and Ming (HI MING!) show up at Matty's NYE party, and yep, his hair looks just as heinous as it did in the Season Two preview. Matty, dude. I know you take your shirt off a lot in this season but it's not enough to distract me from hair so gross, it reminds me of Ethan Hawke in Reality Bites. In spite of the host's hair failings, the party is full of awesome moments: Ming admitting that her dad jerks off to the internet, Lissa wanting to be friends with Jenna, and Lissa telling Sadie that she looks skinny after declaring that she won't be her little minion anymore. Sadie: "That is something a friend would say, bitch!"
Jenna is definitely shaken up by seeing Matty, but she gets distracted when a tearful, big hair Valerie (HI VALERIE!) calls her. Val is obviously not having a great New Year's Eve. After the call, Jenna follows Matty into the garage and tells him that she needs closure. Dang, girlfriend! Way to be mature! Matty responds by being completely IMmature and tells her that he wants another chance. He's like, "I'll just tell Jake that you were with me first, and he'll understand." OH HELL NAH. He asks Jenna to meet him there at midnight so they can start over. WHATEVER GROSS HAIR BOY.
"Look, once Jake knows that I've already marked you with my sperm as my property, he'll totally get it!"
Meanwhile, Tamara finds Ricky, who told her he was spending NYE with his grandma, at the party macking on a chick, and then Lissa tells Jenna that she wants to make it right Old Testament style by Jenna slapping her (since Lissa slapped Jenna.) And, in my favorite moment of the episode, Sadie longingly licks a Dorito (without eating it).
Freaked out by her indecision over Matty and Jake, Jenna escapes outside and runs into Valerie, who admits that she got stood up by Mr. Mishra (I think?). Also, she's wearing what appears to be a leopard print blue tooth. AMAZE. Jenna tells Val not to let the past ruin the present, and she realizes that she needs to follow her own advice.
Did anyone else get a Jenna-Elfman-in-Can't-Hardly-Wait vibe from Valerie in this scene? Must be the hair. And the crazy.
Then, in a freaking great slow-mo shot at midnight, Ming gets pulled away by her dad (while mouthing "Fuuuuck!") and Jenna CHOOSES JAKE! AND THEY KISS PASSIONATELY WHILE CONFETTI RAINS DOWN UPON THEIR HEADS, LIKE A SHOWER OF THEIR SPARKLING LOVE. Or, you know, maybe I'm reading too much into it.
Is that confetti in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?
Sadie finds Matty, drinking alone in the garage, and she asks, "Did she diss you again for the Nilla Wafer?" Matty starts to pour out his feelings about Jenna, and Sadie stops him, admitting that she's crushed on him for like, forever. And then Matty kisses Sadie! WHOAH!!!!!!
Cut to an adorbs segment of some of the characters telling the camera about their resolutions. My fave is Lissa, who gets her hair stuck in the door a la Sixteen Candles. Too bad she doesn't get to drunkenly make out with Farmer Ted afterwards.
Unfortunately, Sadie won't get getting a sex touch either because Matty passes out underneath her. She marches back out into the party and, to prove that she's not a bad kisser, lays a big ole wet one on Ricky, who just got done making amends (again) with Tamara.
Jenna slaps Lissa on her way out of the party (awesome), and then she and Jake get in some more quality kissage in front of the Christmas tree. WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT. A. MINUTE. So ALL of the Jake and Jenna kissing in the Season Two preview is from THIS EPISODE? WE'VE BEEN HAD, Y'ALL. And I am PISSED because JAKE AND JENNA NEED TO STAY TOGETHERRRRRR.
Jake spots the box o' condoms under the tree, and Jenna admits that she's had sex before, but she assures him that it was with a guy she loved. Wow, Jenna, that is totally NOT a reassuring thing to say to the boy you're currently kissing who sent you a relationship status request that you're ignoring. In spite of Jenna's lameness, Jake tells her that she's in. But is Jenna?
Although she claims she didn't want to make any resolutions, it seems like Jenna has definitely resolved to be more ballsy, because she accepts Jake's request to be girlfriend and boyfriend on the internet, which makes it REAL, aaaand she gives a letter (written on the same stationary) to Teen Mom which simply states: "This is who you are." OH DANG!!!!!!!!!
"Wait, I'm a... piece of paper? I don't get it. WAIT OH. OH SHIZZ."
So, LET US DISCUSS.
1. In my opinion, the premiere was a great transition between season one and season two. But in many ways, it just made me impatient for some new storylines. Like, will Sadie always be the bitch of the show? Will Tamara ever stop freaking out over Ricky? Will Valerie ever get her act together? Let's switch it up, show!
2. I still feel like the show is planning on Jenna and Matty ending up together. (Which upsets me greatly, because I'm Team Jake.) What say you?
3. I have the feeling that Mr. Mishra had a good excuse for flaking on Valerie, but I can't help but hope for her to get a new super cray cray boyfriend. CELEBRITY GUEST?
4. PLEASE TELL ME MING GETS SOME ACTION. AND SOON.
Feel free to flood the comments section with your thoughts, theories, predictions, questions and Teen Dad fantasies (Hello, he's obvs the hottest guy on the show).
Next episode: "Sex, Lies and the Sanctuary"