Good news! Today, we're finishing off season 1 of Melrose Place with two salacious episodes -- all hail Heather Locklear, for injecting some much-needed scandal into this so-far-snoozy series! We'll hit the high points: Michael's affair, convenient miscarriages, multiple sex partners for Billy, and a great big, "See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" to Rhonda.
What's happened since episode 5 (my last post):
Jane had a convenient miscarriage
Sandy got an acting job and moved to New York
Alison dates a married man, who's going to turn out to be a crazy stalker
Matt comes out
Jake has a surprise kid
Amanda FINALLY shows up
Jo the fashion photographer moves in, hiding from an abusive ex, and hooks up with Jake
Dr. Kimberly also appears and starts banging Dr. Michael
Billy can't decide between Alison and Amanda
Alison tries to move away to Seattle, but she comes back when Billy's dad dies
Episode 30: Carpe Diem
Billy wants to start dating Alison, but she wants to take it slowly and go on a real date first. She wants to keep it a secret. Alison also sounds like she has a cold, so she probably just wants to stay home in bed instead of go to an outdoor concert with Billy. No wonder the date is a disaster. That, and Billy defending Dr. Michael's cheating when Alison can't stop talking about his affair.
Dr. Michael's having an affair with Dr. Kimberly, and she hates sneaking around so he fucks her instead of Jane ON HIS WEDDING ANNIVERSARY. Alison spills the beans on the affair to Jane, when she runs into her after Dr. Michael drops Jane mid-anniversary dinner. She doesn't believe Alison, and Dr. Michael denies it, but Jane catches him out at Kimberly's.
Jo works an underwear photoshoot on the beach. A giant, four-poster bed. On the beach. WTF. She hangs with the models at Shooters afterwards. Totally normal, including the sexual tension between the model and Jo (spoiler alert: Karen the Model hits on Jo AND Jake next episode).
Alison confronts Amanda for keeping her down out of jealousy over Billy, and gets busted by her boss. Alison gets invited to a retreat in Palm Springs and has to break her sex date with Billy in order to bunk with Amanda in Palm Springs. Lucky for us, Alison and Billy end up doing it anyway. Hoo-ray.
Billy and Alison's post-date, pre-coital dream discussion. "Waves crashing against the rocks, flowers opening in a storm." Wow.
Dr. Michael's heartfelt denial of his affair, blaming Alison for being a malicious gossip because she has no life. I mean, sure, she's a boring-ass nosy parker, but he's a bit over the top. "I think it's DISGUSTING. Who would do that to break up a marriage?"
The ENTIRE weekend office retreat in Palm Springs is just as embarrassing and lame as real life office retreats! Complete with team-building exercises and air quotes.
Billy and Alison getting it on. The song is some awful synthed-out ballad that goes, "Take me to an everlasting love, deep inside my heart."
'90s Fashion Sightings
Good god. Alison's shoulder pads are OUTTA CONTROL. Ditto the pleated-front khakis.
Billy's tucked-in, hot pink t-shirt is proooobably the reason he hasn't slept with Alison yet.
Episode 32: Suspicious Minds
Amanda's pregnant with Billy's baby, and he can't figure out why Alison doesn't want to date him anymore. Lucy's leaving the ad company, and Amanda's up for her job. So's the new guy, who sucks up to Alison in a really awkward, creepy way. Alison tells Brett about Amanda's baby, and Billy gets jealous when he sees her come home drunk with him. Amanda tries to kill Alison with her eyes when Brett brings up the pregnancy in a meeting, and denies the whole thing. Good, too, since it ended up being an ectopic pregnancy (convenient!), and Amanda gets the promotion.
Mr. K is selling the apartment building. Everyone is freaking out, and Jake tries to get Jo to move in with him. Amanda and her dad buy the building.
Keith shows up, stalks Alison, sends her dead flowers and rude cards, makes threatening phone calls, and tire irons Billy. He's creeptastic, but Alison doesn't figure it out.
Jo gets pulled over, then arrested for carrying a concealed weapon, while
exploiting photographing homeless people. Jake is pissed. The soundtrack is rap, because obvs. this shit is hardcore.
Dr. Michael half-assedly tries to patch things up with Jane, who is so not happy. Meanwhile, Dr. Kimberly is pushing Dr. Michael to DTR. Jane and Dr. Michael get it on, but things don't last -- Jane pushes Dr. Kimberly to DTR while at the hospital after Billy got whacked.
Rhonda (!) goes power-walking (!!) with Matt, and decides she's ready to marry Terrence, the wealthy restauranteur she jilted a few episodes back. She does the proposing -- how very '90s. Siyonara, Rhonda!
Alison getting sloppy drunk with Brett, who's just after Amanda's job.
Keith's voiceover while setting up his stalker shrine. "Why did you leave me Alison? I was so good to you. You shouldn't have left me, Alison."
'90s Fashion Sightings
I'm not sure if Billy's shiny copper tie is '90s or just awful. I'm leaning towards awful.
Ooh, Rhonda's is actually cute! Too bad about Matt's heinous Zack Morris ensemble.
Um, really? As if Jo would just grab her gun out of her bag, like, "Oh, where is that darn driver's license? I really need to clean out this purse. Lipstick, pens with no ink, gun."
And here endeth season 1! Starting next week, I'll only be recapping the top few episodes per season, so if there's something you want up for consideration, let me know in the comments, or vote on my contenders (here's a handy episode guide). Death, addiction, hooking, more unplanned pregnancies -- all sorts of crazy!