What's up, Awkwardians? After watching this episode, I've decided to form a club called "Take It Outside" with the sole purpose of worshiping Kyle and posting swimfan montages about him on YouTube. WHO'S WITH ME?
Fave slang/phrase: "Haloed Bros and Biblical Hos" - Lissa
Matty or Jake (who won this episode): Neither, because KYLE WAS JUST TOO AWESOME.
OMG moment: Jenna holds up the GOD sign and yells, "I LOVE SATAN."
Here's what happened:
Jenna feels guilty about her parents' recent separation, so she's accompanying her mom to church. It's obvious that Teen Mom hasn't been to church maybe EVER, because she throws mints in the offering basket and wears a blouse that threatens to rapture her boobs straight outta of her bra.
Meanwhile, Jenna could teach Sunday School in that outfit.
Upbeat Retreat! Lissa weaves her way through the church crowd and insists that Jenna go on the retreat, which features a Saints & Sinners Party they secretly call "Haloed Bros and Bibilical Hos." "And then," Lissa says, wearing a lowcut tank top that says WWJD, "on Sunday, Jesus forgives all of your sings, and there's a taco party!" Hey, sounds pretty good to me! The pastor walks by, and Lissa introduces Jenna as the harlot they've all been praying for.
At school on Monday, Jenna tells Tamara about the retreat, and they run into KYLE! KYYYYLE!!! Oh how I've missed your sweet, morose face. Kyle tells Jenna that his band, "Jenna Lives," broke up, because they were getting too much attention from the mainstream. "You know... jocks... class presidents... that type." I love the way Kyle can speak while keeping his eyes completely dead. CAN HE BE JENNA'S NEW BOYFRIEND PLEASE?
KYLE, I AM SO EMO OVER YOU.
Sadie confronts Lissa at her locker about why she (Lissa) won't forgive her like Jesus "forgave that hooker with the burning bush." Lissa tells Sadie that Jenna's coming to the retreat, which means they might be best friends! Sadie is horrified.
Jenna stops by Valerie's office to talk about her parents' separation. (I think it's cute that Jenna actually *wants* to talk to Valerie now.) Val utters my fave line from the Season 2 Trailer, "Your dad's single?!!" Then Jenna tells her she's seeking some peace by going to the church retreat, and Val warns her, "Don't be seduced by the donuts." She shares her own experience as a teen with a group of "good kids" who brainwashed her into judging people who "drank Coke and didn't wear bloomers."
Meanwhile, Jake is trying to get Matty out of his funk over "that girl" (aka Jenna), and when Jenna sits at their table, he tells her all about what a biotch "that girl" is. He wants to set Matty up so they can go on a double date that weekend, so Jenna uses church camp as an excuse.
The day of the retreat arrives, and Jenna boards the bus... only to find Sadie as her fellow passenger. Quelle nightmare! In a panic, she calls Tamara, who is still freaking out over the idea that Kyle is a stalker. YOU WISH, T. Jenna isn't sure she's going to survive a whole weekend with "Satan Saxton," but I'm more worried about all of the hugs she's getting. Girlfriend has a delicate bone structure!
Jenna walks into the cabin looking for her bed, and Sadie starts mean girling her immediately. Lissa catches her and says, "Physically, you're here, but spiritually, you're, like, in Canada." Jenna heads to the office to try to get a ride home and runs into Clark Stevenson, the gay guy who won Homecoming Queen. He tells her not to let Sadie ruin her experience at the retreat, and that he thinks Christianity is all about tolerance and respect. But, Jenna points out, "It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Clark has his doubts about Jesus' heterosexuality. He tells Jenna that the only person who can ruin her experience is herself, which is pretty good advice! I mean, it's not true, exactly, but it's a good sentiment. Jenna declines her mom's call and decides to stick it out.
"I mean, all that time in the desert, alone with twelve manly disciples..."
On the other end of the line, Teen Mom leaves a message telling J that she'll pick her up any time, and she's obviously lonely. Valerie to the rescue! Val wave her over to her table and, after some seriously awkward conversation, convinces her to try eating alone. Teen Mom chugs her wine like a champ and gives it a shot.
The Saints & Sinners Party is in full swing, and Jenna is dressed up like the serpent who tempted Adam and Eve. Sadie, wearing a preggers Mary outfit, jokes about how that's not a costume, implying what Jenna did to Jake, but Clark takes her away for a spin on the dance floor. Meanwhile, Tamara is skyping with Kyle (HI KYLE!) and ordering him to stop talking her and printing the t-shirts with "Take It Outside," which she claims is her phrase. Kyle has no idea what she's talking about, which is nothing new for Tamara.
At the retreat, it's time for the Share Circle! Oh goody! Everyone sits together and starts sharing their sins while clutching a wooden sign that says "GOD." Lissa admits that she gave 46 "Rub & Tugs" to Jake, GROSS, and then Sadie forces Jenna to talk about how she overcame her "suicide attempt." Flustered, Jenna announces that it was an accident, but Sadie keeps pushing and pushing until Jenna holds up the GOD sign and yells, "I LOVE SATAN!" Oh dear.
Back at the restaurant, Val and Teen Mom are still "eating alone" together and having a blast. I LOVE THIS FRIENDSHIP DEVELOPMENT. (But I still miss you, Hot Teen Dad.) Val tells Teen Mom that she's so proud of her for eating alone, and that now she won't even care if a friend starts dating her husband. Nice try, Val. Nice try.
"I'll have what she's having."
Jenna is packing up to leave, and Lissa stops her and apologizes for what happened in the Share Circle. Jenna realizes that Lissa is actually a really good person, and Lissa gives her some surprisngly good advice: It's easy to forgive other people; it's a lot harder to forgive yourself. Dang, Lissa, I'm gonna start calling you Zen Master!
Safely back at home, Jenna starts writing a blog post. Teen Mom comes in to check on her and revels in her newfound ability to be alone. "See that right there is what they don't teach you in church," says Teen Mom. "It's called evolution." Jenna realizes that she's finally on the way to forgiving herself, and after she hits publish on her post, she gets a comment from that anonymous person who seriously must spend every waking second staring at Jenna's blog until she publishes a new post. The comment is, "You're not alone, Jenna. I'm here." And when she asks, "Who are you?" Anonymous simply writes back, "Not God."
At school, Jenna tells Tamara that she learned a little about being compassionate at the retreat, and Tamara admits that she's not that enlightened. She proves it by accosting Kyle and his "stalker" club and giving them all of her pertinent info, including her 5th grade MySpace picture. Kyle clues her in to the fact that his club is for people who spend too much time inside playing video games and not enough time actually making friends. OH BURN, TAMARA.
At the lockers, Lissa tells Sadie that she's working on forgiving her and making an A on the test that JC's given her. Then Sadie tells her that she's lost her BFF spot to another girl, and Lissa is all, "I'll pray on it, after I take that skank down!" So long, Zen Master!
Jenna approaches Matty at his locker, and they both apologize for the weirdness between them. It's a sweet moment, especially when Jenna calls for a truce and Matty hugs her, but then a hot chick walks by, and Matty smells his armpits. UH-OH. Looks like Jenna isn't as ready to be friends with him as she thought.
So, what did y'all think? I really loved this episode, mostly because the whole Jake/Matty love triangle was on the back burner, and we got to see the show's peripheral characters shine. (With the exception of Ming. Seriously, woman, did your dad ground you for life?!) And I am the only one who seriously wants Jenna to end up with Kyle? If that's weird, then I don't want to be right.
p.s. Who do you think Anonymous is?!!! IS IT KYLE?!!!!!