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Awkward 2x5: My Love Is A Black Heart

Ming finally gets her red cup opp and some well-deserved action. THANK YOU.

Awkward 2x5: My Love Is A Black Heart

Previous episode: "Are You There, God? It's Me, Jenna."

MY DREAMS CAME TRUE IN THIS EPISODE, Y'ALL. No, not Kyle becoming a series regular. MING GETTING PLAY!!!! YESSS.

Fave slang/phrase:  "Don't try to climb into our love ghetto!" - Tamara

Matty or Jake (who won this episode): I hate to say it but... Matty.

OMG moment: When Jake says "I love you," and Jenna says "Awesome." WHAT!!!!!

Here's what happened:

It's Valentine's Day, which means lots of drama at school. Jenna sees a guy yelling at his ex-girlfriend, and she asks, "Bad break-up?" Tamara responds, "10.5 on the dickter scale." Apparently, a lot of Jenna's classmates are suffering from PTXD (Post Traumatic Ex Disorder) but not Jenna! No sirree!  She finally has a boyfriend to celebrate Valentine's Day! Which means she's also a target for... paint balls? Or something gross? After she gets hit ("I was the victim of a love hate crime"), Matty saunters over to her locker and asks for advice on the perfect Valentine's date. Jenna, thinking Matty is asking for Jake, gives him lots of tips, and their convo actually makes me glad that Matty finally likes someone else, because he's back to being his cute, charming self. (I don't like Saboteur Matty.) Then Jake shows up and gives her a stuffed... love bug? And hey, this episode is directed by David Katzenberg! Jenna gets distracted by Matty talking to the hottie freshman that caused him to sniff his armpit at the end of the last episode. Sorry Jenna, but she's definitely got it going on.

Lissa and Sadie complain about being single, and Sadie breaks their plan to have a carb-only movie marathon. Meanwhile, at the patio table, Ming (HI MING!!) and Tamara investigate the love bug that Jake gave Jenna. It is, admittedly, kind of terrible. But hey, at least it's not a bear holding a heart! Jenna downplays it, and Tamara rebukes her by saying, "Don't try to climb into our love ghetto!" Ming spills that she's going to the BHP, the Black Hearts Party, and Tamara immediately spazzes about it, but Ming forbids her from going because Ricky Schwartz will be there. I'M SO TIRED OF RICKY SCHWARTZ. Jenna plays her own jealous card by pointing out Matty with the Freshman Hottie, and Ming and Tamara agree with me: She's attractive.

In Valerie's office, Jenna complains about Matty's "new friend," and Val, wearing some sweet heart headgear, speaks the truth: Jenna is totes jealous. Val slides a candy heart towards her that says, "Chill Out," and Jenna and I have the same thought: Ironically, Val has become a LOT more insightful since she left the guidance office. And then Val returns to normal by assuming that Jenna is talking Val hanging out with her mom the week before. OH VAL.

I honestly wish this episode had focused on Valerie's Valentine's date. That's a hot mess I DEFINITELY want to see.

At Jenna's house, OMG TEEN DAD IS BACK! LOOKING FOXY!!!! He's dropping Jenna off, not looking for a Valentine reunion with Teen Mom, who sadly throws his V-day gift in the trash. She makes up some stuff about all of the "events" she has going on with her "new friends," and I feel really bad for her. I mean, yeah, writing that letter was terrible, but come on, Teen Dad! Show some forgiveness! By taking off your shirt again! After Teen Dad leaves (SOB), Jenna gives Teen Mom a hard time about lying, so Teen Mom gives her a 10PM curfew. Harsh!

Jake ends up taking Jenna to the fancy restaurant she told Matty about, and, no surprises, they're seated right next to Matty and Freshman Hottie. Bee tee dubs, there is no way that girl is a freshman. Unless she, like, flunked three years in a row. Which seems possible, because she's kind of an idiot! A bitchy, passive aggressive idiot. She manages to turn Jenna dropping her menu into an excuse to comment on the small size of her ass, and even though Jenna tries to be mature and focus on her date with Jake, I can already tell this will NOT be what the French call tres romantique.

That's right, Freshman Hottie. SHOW YOUR TRUE FACE. OF EVIL.

Over at the DHP, which looks AWESOME btw (there are glow sticks!), Tamara spots Ricky walking toward her and Ming, so she tells Ming to act "crossfaded." This is one of those times when the show makes me feel like an old lady because why does crossfaded mean stoned? THESE KIDS TODAY.

At the restaurant, Jenna is pushing her food around, and Matty leans over and takes some of the food off her plate. What?! Ooooh, it's because she's allergic to whatever the food is. And Jake didn't know that. TIA!!!!! Then Matty overcompensate by feeding Hottie Freshman, who slurps the noodles in a really gross, blow jobby kind of way. NASTY. This whole scene is giving me hives.

Yes! Let's go back to the DHP! Tamara is hitting on some emo dude she calls "Twilight," and OMG WHY IS KYLE NOT AT THIS PARTY? Kyle!!! Come grace us with your deliciously monotone presence! But then something just as good happens: Ming starts talking to a tall Asian cutie named Fred Wu!! MING!! GET SOME GIRL!!!! They take a photo together with Fred making a dorky face and Ming gazing up at him. LOVE IT.

Ugh, why is Jenna's Valentine date STILL HAPPENING? Doesn't girlfriend have a curfew? Jake and Matty are arguing about sports, but Jake finally realizes he needs to focus on Jenna. She takes comfort in the fact that he will hold her hand in public when Matty never would, but then she spies Matty holding hands under the table with Freshman Hottie and accidentally rams her head into the table. She leaves to call Tamara and admit that Matty is definitely over her, but then Matty brings her some ice for her head and acts really sweet. Jenna must have really bumped her head hard, because she thinks that Matty is just trying to make her jealous, but then he bursts her bubble by saying that he really doesn't want to eff it up with Freshman Hottie like he did with Jenna. Well, that's still kind of sweet! And also, Jenna, you made your bed now LIE IN IT. With Jake!

Oh yeah, Jenna still wants to play doctor with Matty.

At the DHP, Ming is GETTING SOME HOT ACTION FROM FRED WU! OMG!!!! THANK YOU SHOW!!!! Tamara has to pee really bad, so she bangs on the restroom door and eventually yanks it open to find... Ricky Schwartz kissing SADIE?!!!!! Oh man. That is the worst. Wait, no. The worst happens next, when Tamara pees her pants. OH T!!! I am so sorry, girl. This is heartbreaking. But maybe your death from embarrassment will result in a new Ricky-free life. PLEASE?

Jake walks Jenna to her door and apologizes for screwing up the night. (But we all know that it's really Jenna's jealousy that effed up their date.) He gave her calla lilies, which are "beautiful and strong," because they reminded him of Jenna. Aw, that's sweet! And then he tells her that he loves her!! WHOAH! Jenna grabs his face and kisses him, then says "Awesome." Wait, what? Ugh. I mean, it's better not to lie and say you love someone back if you don't, but "Awesome"? Really? Jake walks away, looking mildly terrified.

Jenna walks inside and gives the bag from her dad (with the love bug) to Teen Mom, telling her that it's actually for her. (Obviously that's a lie, but the gesture is kind. I mean, unless Teen Dad never gets back together with Teen Mom and this just gives her false hope. Then it's cruel.) Up in her room, Jenna discovers Tamara sobbing in her bed over the fact that Ricky Schwartz is in love with Sadie, aka Darth Hater. That really CAN'T be true, can it?! Jenna comforts Tamara, and they end up giggling in bed about the fact that Tamara peed her pants. Aww, I like it when the show actually gives us a glimpse of *real* friendship.

Nothing brings friends closer than accidental urination. Dear Depends, I have a great new sponsorship opportunity for you.)

So, here are the questions on my mind:

1. Can Jenna really ever love Jake? I mean, is it just not going to happen at this point?

2. Can Ricky TRULY be in love with Sadie?

3. DOES THIS MEAN MING HAS A BOYFRIEND NOW?!!

Let us convo in the comments!

Next episode: "What Comes First: Sex or Love?"

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).