You guys!! The Olympics are almost over. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. This totally feels like the last few days of Summer Camp, when you know that you're about to have to leave all of your new friends and go home. And even though you have the dance to look forward to on Saturday night, packing up all your shizz and getting the mailing address of every single one of your new BFFs is so depressing! Plus you and the guy you've been getting to first base with won't ever see each other again!!
Let's catch up on the world of London 2012, shall we? Just in case you're wondering: nope, the font remains the same.
Gabby Douglas! Gabby Douglas! Let's all hear it for Gabby Douglas!! My little girl won herself TWO gold medals, including the gold in All-Around, which essentially means SHE IS THE GREATEST GYMNAST COMPETING AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME! So what we should super focus on is, of course, her hair. Her hair! Oh, the humanity! The hair of our Olympic Champion Gold Medalist Gymnast is pissing so many people off! Because of how it is hair that belongs to a Black woman, I think. But it neither befits nor breaks down the Black hair stereotype, cause that shizz is just pulled back into a bun. Some people want her hair to be fixed. Some want it not to be relaxed. Some think the bun looks sloppy. I say, the girl has been training for something like 15 hours a day for the past God knows how long and can do with her hair whatever the fuck she likes. Let's please not turn a 16 year old into a mouthpiece for a debate that has much greater social consequence. Let's just celebrate her shiny gold medals.
Here, you can watch her in repetetive, GIF, action winning the Women's Gold. Look at how high she flies!
But don't worry, folks. If you were worried about all the controversy surrounding Gabby's hair, you can rest easy knowing that Fox News thinks she's unpatriotic and un-American for wearing a leotard that doesn't have a photo of a bald eagle using the Constitution as toilet paper. So, there you go.
In other news, The US won the Women's All Around!! WHOO! The Men's Team . . . not so much. But! Their muscles are very pretty, and they should find work advertising underwear in the local JC Penney's catalog soon enough.
Oh, you know the only thing I'm going to talk about is that guy's boner. The Rowing Boaner that Made the World Moan, is what I call it. Admittedly the name needs help.
The owner of this penis, Henrik Rummell, claims he didn't have a boner during the medal ceremony, so that's just his penis being trapped there in its natural state. His girlfriend is presumably a lovely woman who is quite satisfied with her boyfriend's proclivity to wear spandex. So are we, Henrik's girlfriend. So are we.
In Tennis news, two of the only tennis players I continue to give a fuck for, Andy Murray and Serena Williams, medaled! And they both did so adorably! Here is Andy Murray's two puppies wearing his medals:
I know! I know! ACTUAL CUTEST, RIGHT? I wonder if Andy will get the medals engraved with the puppies' names and then let them wear them around all the time. That's what I would do.
Meanwhile! When Serena won the Gold Medal, she was happy and did a little Crip Walk there on the floor of the court. This has upset people because, in case you forgot, Serena Williams is a Black woman who has the nerve to play a country club game and play it better than anyone else. Stop being Black in front of tennis fans, Serena! They like to think of you as just very tan.
Anyway, if you want to learn to boogie like Serena, Deadspin will teach you the Crip Walk. Or you could just, like, go to Compton and learn it yourself. But let's not be ridiculous.
Soccer, or what the rest of the world calls Football:
Oh, MAN. If only you were a fly on my twitter feed the other day during the US-Canadian Women's Soccer semi-finals match. So much cursing from those Canadians! If you watched the game or if you, too, know a Canadian, you'll know that the ref's calls have been questioned. FIFA is involved, although I'm not what authority, if any, FIFA has over the IOC, but also there's a rumor that the Canadian captain might get fined for calling out the ref after the game! We haven't had this much American-Canadian scandal since that time they gave Justin Bieber a passport to leave the country!
Anyway, we'll keep you updated as the news develops, which it won't, because it's not very interesting.
Track and Field:
Can we give some big ups to track and field this week? I love watching Usain Bolt race all over everyone, but we'll get to him and how awesome he is in a bit.
In Inspiring-but-sort-of-sad news, Sarah Attar, one of two women competing for Saudi Arabia (for the first time ever!) failed to qualify for the 800 meter yesterday. (Her co-Olympian, Wojdan Shaherkani, did about the same in her sport of judo.) But! She showed up! She competed! For a country that won't even let her drive or vote! And yeah, it turns out that her country also did not show her performance on their own domestic media, but I like to think that little girls in Saudi Arabia have the names of Sarah Attar and Wojdan Shaherkani on their lips, in their nightly prayers, secreted in the backs of the notebooks that they're just now allowing to use for school, and in 12 years or so, we'll have a whole team of Saudi Arabian women, ready to compete and do their country proud.
Let's talk about Mo Farah, shall we!! He won the10,000M race this week. TEN THOUSAND METERS. I don't even know how long that is, because I'm American, but it seems REALLY LONG. It's, what, 10 Kilometers? That's several miles! I wonder if Mo Farah had a natural advantage over his competition because he uses the Metric system. Meanwhile all the Americans are all, "meter? That's . .. 3 feet? No, that's a yard. Math is hard!"
Everyone except for the BNP is going ape shit over Mo in England, and it's no wonder. He's a classy guy who can run like crazy.
And speaking of classy guys, let's talk about my boo, Usain Bolt! Fastest Man in the World, yo! He's so classy! I'm sure you've heard by now of his stopping his interview with a Spanish reporter to pay respect to Sanya Richards-Ross, an American who won the 400M. Here is some video of it, because it'll make you well up. Man! Why can't Usain Bolt be my boyfriend for real?
Also, speaking of videos, The New York Times did this creepy graphic showing all the medal winners ever in a race. Usain wins! HE WINS ALL THE RACES EVER!
The UK's golden girl, Jessica Ennis, won the heptathalon, which is a combo of a lot of track and field sports that I sucked at in junior high. I am really really excited for her, and very proud of her, EXCEPT she says that now that she's won she has some time to finally read 50 Shades of Grey. JESSICA DON'T DO THAAAAAT!!!!!
Now, I will leave you with this article about a Norwegian track runner whose balls flopped out during his race.
What is to say? Misty May-Treanor and Kerri Walsh are still doing their damndest to prove that beach volleyball should actually be considered a sport. Can you imagine being on the beach with these two? Exhausting. I just want to work on my tan, Misty!
Ryan Lochte continues to pee in the pool. The nation continues to find this sort of charming.
Well, that's all the news that NBC felt fit to bring me this week! Any big Olympics stories you guys want to spotlight? Let's hear about them in the comments. Go Team Humanity!!