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Awkward 2x9: Homewrecker Hamilton

Drama cakes are baked, Ming is shunned and Jenna gets a Slut Wagon.

Awkward 2x9: Homewrecker Hamilton
Jenna Lives is totes the new Crucifictorious.

Previous episode: "Time After Time"

Y'all, let's cut to the chase and get straight to the Awkward business. Because MY FAVORITE MTV BAND GOT BACK TOGETHER.

Fave slang/phrase: "Let's stop baking drama cakes for a sec and think tank this." - Tamara

Matty or Jake (who won this episode): Matty (SOMEONE'S on a winning streak!)


Here's what happened:

Jenna is at Teen Dad's apartment, trying not to text Jake. It's been two days since the break-up (and her make-out sesh with Matty), and she hasn't talked to him. She's still trying to figure out what happened. After all, she thinks, "I wasn't the type of girl to expiration-date." She finally sends him a text, and then Teen Dad beckons her outside for a surprise. On her way out, she hears a chick named Hannah leaving a message on Teen Dad's voicemail. He claims Hannah is just a coworker, but that message did seem pretty flirty. Then again, what girl wouldn't want to hook up with Teen Dad?! TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF.

Jenna's surprise is a crappy old station wagon! But I kind of love it! Especially after Teen Dad refers to it as the Jenna Wagon. She immediately assumes that, based on Tamara's previous advice, this large gift means her parents are most definitely getting a divorce. GIRL DON'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS! YOU ARE ALWAYS WRONG. And by always I mean ALWAYS.

Jake texts her back with a photo he took of her and Matty making out, and he even went to the trouble of adding a caption: "You are a cheater." It's like LOL cats but not funny. Jenna goes to Tamara and Ming (HI MING!) for advice, and they immediately freak out over the photo. Jenna decides she can still clear it up with Jake, because she assumes he thinks she cheated on him, which she did not technically do. Um, no Jenna, I think the issue here is that you and Matty were totes giving each other sex touches and never had the guts to tell Jake about your former relationship. (Or maybe not so former.) Obviously, when Jenna tries to talk to him, Jake gives her the "classic ice burn." I have to say, she deserves it.

Meanwhile, Ming has a weird encounter with Creepy Asian Becca, who returns her missing glasses and gives her a geometry test cheat sheet. Ming asks about Fred Wu, because apparently she hasn't heard from him since Friday. SAY WHAT. Fred Wu, DON'T EFF WITH MING. Creep Asian Becca insists that she has no idea who Fred Wu is, which is obvs a lie, because if there is anything this show has taught me, it's that the Asian Mafia knows all. And also, that people still think racist-tinged humor is funny.

Here's your folder of Asian stereotype jokes! Use it wisely!

Matty figures out that Sadie is the one who spilled the beans to Jake, and he confronts her about it. She totally owns up to it and admits that what she might have done was wrong, but what Matty and Jenna did was way worse. I can't believe I'm saying this but SADIE IS CORRECT. Jake continues to ignore both Jenna and Matty, which I totally get, but dude, bitter jealousy is NOT attractive on you. Wipe that shizz off your face.

In class, Ming gets her test back (already?) and is horrified to discover that she got a D. Plus, Fred Wu is IGNORING HER. WHAT THE EFF DUDE. Don't you DARE play Ming like that! After she looks around and sees that all of the other Asians got A's, Ming realizes that she's on the outs with the Asian Mafia. Ruh-roh!


Desperate to make Jake listen, Jenna volunteers to spin the Wheel of Pep at the outdoor rally. Gay Clark makes a fabulous cameo, which reminds me. WHERE IS KYLE. Jake, pissed that he's sharing the stage with Jenna, decides to call Matty up as the male volunteer and then tries to get them to own up (on the microphone) about their previous relationship. TIA!!!!!! Again, Jake, I must ask you to tone down the bitterness, because it is NOT doing any wonders for your complexion. Also, telling Jenna and Matty that they have to kiss is really not good for school spirit. Matty tells him to back off, and then Jake throws a punch! They scuffle, and Matty ends up punching Jake to the ground while yelling, "I fucked your girlfriend!" Nice, Matty. Real nice.

The two dudes end up in Val's office, of course, where she utters one of my fave lines from the Season 2 trailer: "Two boys fighting over a girl is... a fantasy for some women." She asks them what happened and decides to keep score on a piece of paper. (Looks like SOMEONE has been reading my recaps!) Matty puts all of the blame on himself instead of Jenna, which doesn't seem to affect Jake's attitude, but Val and I are both impressed. She tears up the score sheet but winks at Matty and whispers, "You won." As evidenced by the summary at the top of this post, I AGREE. As the boys exit the office, Jenna runs up to Jake (ignoring Matty) and tries to talk to him again. He still doesn't believe that she never cheated on him. And, considering the horizontal action he witnessed, I don't blame him.

Say what you will about Val's counseling skills, but girlfriend has totally NAILED the teacher desk landscape.

Ming finds Fred Wu in the Sanctuary, where he admits that he likes her a lot. YOU BETTER, DUDE. Unfortunately, Creepy Asian Becca is his ex-girlfriend, and Fred Wu is worried about what she'll do to Ming. He explains the differences between a white bitch and an Asian bitch, and apparently, that means that Creepy Asian Becca is the ninja version of Regina George (i.e. she'd never get hit by a bus).

Now both Jenna and Ming are freaking out, and Tamara tells them they "need to arctic chill." It's refreshing to watch an episode with Tamara free from her own drama. She's a much better friend when she's not obsessed with Ricky Schwartz. Which reminds me, let's all take a moment to appreciate the fact that THERE IS NO RICKY SCHWARTZ IN THIS EPISODE.

And OH MAN someone has sprayed "SLUT" on the Jenna Wagon. So now it's a Slut Wagon. Boo! I hate the S word. Teen Mom's not a fan of it, either, and she cannot BELIEVE that Teen Dad would buy a car for his daughter with "SLUT" written on it. Oh writers, why you gotta make Teen Mom so stupid? It's fine for her to be silly, but does she really need to be this dumb? I feel so bad for her. Esp. after her daughter tells her, with chilling certainty, that Teen Dad is divorcing her. THAT CAN'T BE TRUE. CAN IT? I mean, you guys saw the way he looked at her at the wedding, right? RIGHT?

Jenna seeks solace in her blog, and OF COURSE, the anonymous commenter just HAPPENS to be online. Anonymous responds to all of her comments right away (OF COURSE) and tells her that she's not a homewrecker. Anonymous then claims to be her friend and I HOPE IT'S KYLE. But it's probably Teen Dad. It's Teen Dad, isn't it? Anonymous basically encourages her to air out her baggage to other people, so naturally, Jenna decides to... SEND HER BLOG TO THE ENTIRE SCHOOL? Wow. Way to keep it real, Jenna.

There's a montage of students talking about all of Jenna's secrets, including KYLE! WEARING A JENNA LIVES SHIRT! "Yeah, the band got back together." In the name of all that is holy, THERE BETTER BE A BAND PERFORMANCE IN THE NEXT EPISODE. Jenna Lives is totes the new Crucifictorious.

Unfortunately, Jenna's plan to go public totally backfired. YAH THINK? Jake is mad because everyone knows he failed to seal the deal with Jenna, and Matty is upset because everyone knows his bidness. And, based on the preview, it looks like Teen Mom is upset because everyone knows she wrote the letter. The preview also indicates that in spite of all of these drama cakes, Jake and Matty both still want to be with Jenna, and they're going to make her choose.

Here's my advice, Jenna. CHOOSE KYLE.

So, y'all, we have two episodes left! What do you think will happen?

1. Who will Jenna choose? Or will she choose anyone?

2. Will Teen Mom and Teen Dad get back together? And will we find out more about their past?

3. Who is the anonymous commenter?!

4. Will Fred Wu man up for Ming?

5. Is Tamara finally over Ricky Schwartz?!

Wait, scratch that last question. Because I really don't care.

I will leave you with this photo I just found online of Kyle. As Sadie would say: YOU'RE WELCOME.

Next episode: "Pick Me, Choose Me, Love Me"

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).