Previous episode: "Homewrecker Hamilton"
Awkwardians! WE HAVE MUCH TO DISCUSS. And a picture of Teen Dad's guns to analyze. So LET'S DO THIS.
Fave slang/phrase: "You've been bitch backed by the Julies." - Tamara OR "She didn't ho and tell." -Lissa (quoting Tamara?!)
Matty or Jake (who won this episode): Teen Mom!
OMG moment: When I realized that this show ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY.
Here's what happened:
Since Jenna revealed her entire blog to the school (which she now realizes was a bad idea. NO DOI, JENNA), she's resorted to writing her thoughts on paper. She's also hoping to play sick and stay at home, but when she walks into her parents' bedroom, she finds Teen Mom getting scandalous with... Teen Dad! Wrapped only in a towel! HALLELUJAH!
THANK YOU, MTV. THANK. YOU.
So Teen Dad isn't dating Voicemail Hannah! And it looks like Jenna's parents might be back together! Things are looking up, until Teen Mom drives Jenna to school, and random students walk by and hurl insults (not at Jenna, but at Teen Mom!) through the car window. Jenna hasn't told her mother yet about the blog going public, but now everyone knows that Teen Mom wrote the letter. She's stunned, and to make matters worse, Val gets in the car as Jenna exits and tells Teen Mom that they can't be besties anymore. Val divulges that, "Things weren't always smooth sailing for this old Kemosabi," and that her own mother was always her rock. Val can't believe that Teen Mom would do something so cruel, and DAMN, this scene is actually legit. Actress Desi Lydic just gave Val, like, five new layers. In the span of two minutes, she went from a purely comic character to one with actual dimensions.
In school, Jenna asks Tamara and Ming, "What kind of day are we having? Lunch in the bathroom?" Ming is in a GREAT mood, because she's back in with the Asian mafia! They even convinced her parents to give her a CAR?!!! Apparently, Creepy Asian Becca is scared shizzless of Jenna. Jenna can't imagine why, but Tamara suspects it's because everyone thinks that Jenna is crazy ballsy to make her blog public. Offering herself up for public consumption, Tamara says, "is like bat shizzat on crack." As if to prove her point, The Julies, who are the popularity brokers of the school, run into Jenna and admire her fierceness AND her insanity. One is Team Matty, and the other is Team Jake. I LOVE this development, and I'm not the only one. Tamara is over the moon: "You've been bitch backed by the Julies!" Now the entire school is asking Jenna for advice on their lives.
While Jenna's status is shooting up, Sadie's is spiraling down. She is pissed about Jenna's blog exposing her relationship with Ricky, but Lissa insists that everyone already know. She says Jenna didn't "ho and tell," but Sadie is more concerned with the major zit on her lip. Looks like Ricky gave Sadie the herp!
Yep, that Ricky Schwartz is totally a herp perp!
Jenna spots Jake and Matty in the courtyard, but she admits to Tamara that she doesn't know what to say to them. Tamara is riding high on her new status as Slanguage Queen. "People have been rocking my slanguage left and right! I've heard three Tamarisms in the first two periods alone!" Jenna finally goes up to talk to the boys, but they both turn away, ignoring her.
French class! In an effort to get away from each other, Matty and Jake try to switch seats with the Julies, but they're wrapped up in the Team Jake vs Matty conflict. Val, subbing for the teacher, waltzes in rocking a beret and some French jokes. ("Creme not so fraiche!"). She tells the class that, in the movie they're about to watch, a girl must choose between two men, which sounds exactly like Jenna's situation. Except, says Sadie, it's better, because the girl actually dies at the end. The film is apparently so moving, it makes Matty and Jake finally talk to each other. They decide they want to salvage their friendship, so they need to be honest with each other. This results in them both blurting out, "I still love Jenna!" RUH-ROH.
Val rescues Jenna from an entourage of swimfans in the hallway and takes her to her office, where she demands all of the life answers that she knows Jenna has. Val tells Jenna that she's got it all-- friends, a bro-down and a way with words-- so of course, she wants her to help her write a memoir. Val holds up an AWESOME cover with an image of her hugging a tree and the title, "My VAL-ues." PLEASE LET THIS BE A REAL THING.
Jenna, Ming and Tamara have a conference in the bathroom, and T gives a lesson to her fans on how to say "major." It's ma-JOR! Jenna walks into the hallway and finds Matty and Jake waiting for her. She's expecting a smackdown, but instead, they tell her that she has to choose between them. I've seen some idiotic love triangles in my time (HELLO TWILIGHT) but frankly, this is getting ridiculous.
Jenna arrives home and discovers that her mom has been receiving hate calls all day. Poor Teen Mom! This is terrible!!! Jenna asks why she wrote the letter in the first place, and Teen Mom tearfully explains that her own mother was telling her that she was a bad mom, so she attacked Jenna the way her own mother always attacked her. She also admits that Teen Dad didn't stay in the marriage for her, he stayed for Jenna. Holy shizz, this scene broke my heart. We're talking REAL EMOTION Y'ALL.
Back at school, Sadie finds out that she doesn't have herpes! Ok, but Ricky Schwartz is still a douchebag. Everyone, including Matty and Jake, is pressuring Jenna to choose Matty or Jake. Both guys end up advocating for each other (THIS IS SILLY), and Jenna makes a decision: "You should date each other." TOUCHE!
At dinner, Teen Mom tells Jenna that he's not going anywhere. He confesses that he said and did awful things to Teen Mom (who is already in bed) when they were young, and that he wasn't around enough when she was a baby. It's ok, Teen Dad. Just show up shirtless one more time and I'LL FORGIVE YOU. Jenna tells him that he's her hero, and he says that his hero is Teen Mom. This scene... didn't really do it for me.
Jenna is back to writing on her blog, because SHE HAS LEARNED NOTHING. She writes that she's neither a winner nor a loser, she's a chooser. After receiving two comments (Team Jake! Team Matty!), she decides to choose her mom. So she crawls into bed with her and begins to sing the lullaby that Teen Mom sang to her as a baby.
This scene literally made me tear up. WELL PLAYED, SHOW. Well played.
According to the preview, it looks like Jenna gets some kind of do-over in the next episode! Sort of like Felicity, but without the weird time travel magic shizz?
So, DISCUSSION TIME.
1. Is it just me, or did this episode really step it up in the emotional impact department?
2. Teen Mom > Teen Dad. True or False?
3. I really digging this Jenna popularity development. But how long will it last?
4. In spite of choosing her mom, it looks like Jenna will still choose between Matty or Jake. OR WILL SHE?
5. I call bullshizz on the montage of adoring Jenna fans because THERE WAS NO KYLE.
Next episode: "Once Upon a Blog"