A Highly Scientific Analysis Of The Vamps Trailer

OMG you guys, I'm, like, totally buggin', because I just saw the trailer for Vamps! And it's a movie by Amy Heckerling! With Alicia Silverstone! And it's kind of like Clueless except Cher is a little older. Like, 100 years older. Because she's a vampire!!!

Now, I know vampires are more passé than that knockoff dress you bought at Judy's last week, but IT'S AMY HECKERLING. With Alicia Silverstone! And Kristen Ritter! Making adorable vampire jokes together! I COULD DIE.

So let's take a good look at our subject before we break it down with SCIENCE.

I KNOW, RIGHT? Like, I totally want to party with this movie! And the Hatians!

Now it's time to roll up the sleeves of my lab coat and get down to business.

Even in baggy black coveralls, Kristen and Alicia manage to look ADORBS. HI CUTIES!

Just a few seconds into the trailer, and we already get to bask in the glory of Alicia's Adorably Smug Face (TM). This is probaby my favorite face in cinematic history.

p.s. Kristen Stewart, THAT is the face you're supposed to make when a vampire is flirting with you. None of that lip-biting shizz.

Ok, we know you're a vampire! Now, go back to your Adorable Smug Face, please. KTHX.

"Look how cute she is!" FOR REALSIES!!!!

This reminds me of the club scene in Romy & Michele's High School Reunion, except with more bondage. I hope Kristen and Alicia bust out a sweet choreographed dance!

Speaking of Romy and Michele, are those post-it notes on the coffin? PRESH!

WE BOW DOWN TO YOU, AMY HECKERLING. Now... don't eff this up.

Hey! It's Cousin Matthew! With more modern, touseled hair! I LIKE IT.

Oh! This is the part where Kristen drops her pen and Cousin Matthew says, "Nice stems."

Or not.

SPIT-TAKE! I'll never understand why more movies don't use spit-takes because they are always HILARIOUS. Like, if you took every dick joke ever made and replaced it with a spit-take, we would have world peace due to ALL OF THE LAUGHTER.

Mr. Hall! I mean, Wallace Shawn! I hope he doesn't give Alicia detention. Or stake her.

Kristen is demonstrating an age-old vampire beauty trick: how to avoid getting lipstick on your fangs.

WELL HELLO SHIRTLESS COUSIN MATTHEW. The sight of you in this state of undress would make the Dowager Countess and I both flip our shizz. For entirely different reasons.

I really hope Tanning Mom was a consultant on this scene.

"Never go against a Van Helsing when death is on the line!"

I know I should say something about how it's the dude from Weeds but I'm too preoccupied by Alicia's fabulous black & white wardrobe in this movie.

Ah, cable jokes! Like vampires, they never get old. JK WHY ARE CABLE JOKES STILL BEING MADE THIS IS 2012 YOU GUYS. I mean, make an iPhone joke if you must, but cable jokes are so 1995.

Hi Malcolm McDowell! Quick question: why were you involved in the TV movie Home Alone 5: Alone In The Dark? EXPLAIN YOURSELF SIR.

Sigourney Weaver! Please tell me she is the Vampire Gatekeeper.

The cast of this movie is pretty amazing, but I can't help but wish it was more like this:

Well, except Tai is dead, not undead. (STILL TOO SOON?)

This is what it looks like in FYA HQ every time a new Sarah Dessen comes out.

Damn, I was totally spot on with my Romy & Michele prediction! (I just hope no one's shoe fills up with blood because that would be HELLA AWKWARD at a vampire party.)

SERIOUSLY, ALICIA, YOU ARE THE CUTEST. As is that headband.

"If you don't use the right coversheet on your TPS report, I WILL SUCK YOUR BLOOD."

Whoah, Richard Lewis! I haven't seen you in AGES. It's like you're back from the dead! LITERALLY.

So there you have it. Through careful scientific method, I have proven why you should be BUTT-CRAZY EXCITED about the beginning of November. Sure, this might just be a poor girl's Clueless, but that's still better than a rich girl's Twilight, amiright?

Also, has anyone seen my Cranberries CD? I think I left it in the quad.