Let's hear it for the valium! Let's give the codeine a haaaand! Let's hear it for the sedatives! You know I barely understaaaaaand.
Hello, Revengers! Remember how I've been complaining/whining/gently bitching about being ill for oh, like, ever? DON'T WORRY. Cause now I'm on ALL THE DRUGS. Anti-seizure medications, codeine, valium, endless cups of tea . . . I'd say I'm feeling no pain but the whole problem is that I'm feeling no pain and I'm supposed to be feeling pain. Like one of those kids you see on TLC where they can hold their hand over a flame and not notice except I won't do that, because it would involve, like, standing up and shit.
Anyway, anyway, Revenge, where were we? Everything's so topsy turvy, like a Gilbert and Sullivan opera without the pirates. There may eventually be pirates on Revenge. We don't know the depths to which Jack may have to sink. Actually we do, because we saw the cold open and his boat's totally under water! Ha ha! Shipwreck joke!
So it looks like during TRAC!'s training in Japan, she basically played a lot of Capture the Flag with Mysterious British Dude (MBD). Really? You went to Japan for that? There are some perfectly good Wilderness Girls camps, TRAC!, if that's all you want. That reminds me that last night, instead of watching Revenge, I watched the Texans self-destruct (ugh) and then cheered myself up by watching Troop Beverly Hills. How much more awesome would this show be if Phylis Nefler played the part of Victoria? Not Shelly Long, mind. Actual Phylis Nefler. And Jenny Lewis could be Charlotte. I don't know why Jenny Lewis gets so het up about people mentioning that she was in Troop Beverly Hills. I mean, Rilo Kiley is a great band, and her work with the Watson Twins is great, of course, but TROOP BEVERLY HILLS IS THE GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. OF ALL TIME! Maybe it's cause she had camel toe in that scene where she's practicing gymnastics.
Anyway, where were we? Revenge. Victoria is telling Daniel some version of the truth, which involves White Haired Man threatening Victoria to get off the plane or he'd kill Charlotte. Now that Daniel has his mommy back, he doesn't have a reason to be a drunken layabout anymore. Her breast milk is the only nector he needs. (Oh yeah, you go ahead and cringe, but you KNOW that Daniel was one of those kids who was old enough to ask for his milk. You know it.)
TRAC! and MBD have an argument vis a vis the dead white haired dude on her floor and her search to find her mom and something MBD calls The Initiative, which NO. NO. We are not putting a stupid, shadowy group called The Initiative into my soapy, cheesy show about pretty people. STOP IT RIGHT NOW.
Hey, who do you think TRAC! used as a designer for her cottage? It almost borders on Pottery Barn. My dream in life is to be just rich enough to be unemployed (but, unlike right now, actually able to drive and stand for more than five minutes at a time, and with lots of disposable income) and have a lovely Craftsman home decorated almost entirely in Pottery Barn, with a wardrobe almost entirely of J. Crew. I call it my White Person Catalogue Dream. I realize that there are probably higher goals in life to shoot for but that's mine. Oh but I also want some acreage on the river in the Texas Hill Country so that every summer my friends can stop renting houses during Schlitt weekend. We can just stay there and bust into my underground wine cellar. You guys are invited too.
Anyway, what the hell is going on in this show? Shit. Is it naptime yet? Oh, okay, so Jack doesn't want TRET! to use the 5K gift card that Charlotte got her for a local baby shop. Did you guys know that there's a maternity store called "A Woman's Work?" NOT OKAY. NOT OKAY. And also Declan and his weird rich friend are stealing something. I have no idea what the plot line is there and I super do not care. I just polled the fuzzy socks I am wearing and asked if they cared, and they didn't answer, which MIGHT be because they are socks but PROBABLY is because they can't even muster enough excitement about this storyline to answer.
Nolan!! Finally!! Nolan is wearing a pale sage green jacket and is flirting with Padma, who's clearly jealous of TRAC! Or is working with someone against TRAC! I think that's the issue. I don't trust Padma. Because she is obvs working on Nolan, and Nolan is mine, and she needs to recognize that.
Meanwhile, Charlotte's bored (join the club, Char!), Victoria's invited TRAC! over for tea just to kick her out, and MBD is investigating White Haired Dude's hotel room. He finds the black box from the plane. And TRAC!'s mom.
After some sort of tedious TRAC!, TRET! and Jack stuff, I've figured out what the problem is with this season. Too many plotlines going on. Last season there was Revenge of the Week, and then a slowly evolving Other Stuff. This year it's like 15 storylines, and no people's faces being crossed out in red sharpie.
So, I guess it turns out that TRAC! and MBD used to be doing it? Also his name is Aiden. Also his sister is . . . missing or something. Also I don't care.
Oh noes, Nolan is packing up his stuff! WHY, SHOW, WHY!!!!! He and TRAC! have a sort of sweet moment. I just can't deal with this sadness. Maybe Nolan could buy a house and Jack and TRET! could move in!! Then Jack and Nolan could do funny things to soothe the baby!
Over at the Graysons', someone has had Victoria's fake passport delivered to Daniel. So I guess he knows now that Victoria wasn't kidnapped or something I can't believe how much I don't care. This time I asked the shirt I'm wearing whether it cared and my shirt was like "why are you even wearing me; no one is in the house" and I was like "don't sass me, shirt" and then I fell asleep for a few minutes but now I'm awake again.
I guess Declan was dumb enough to actually carry his ID around while he was stealing from people and stuff. The dude he stole from is super nice though, I guess.
TRET! gives Charlotte David Clarke's journal, which pisses off Charlotte. And Daniel is pissed enough to scream at his mom, which is inappropriate. And TRAC! is blackmailing TRET! to stick around this weird Grayson press conference and Victoria outs Charlotte as David's kid and Conrad gets a weird phone call from probably TRAC!'s mom and then Victoria's all "Come on up, TRET!, you're part of the family now" and true, I'm high as a kite, but this is weird, right? This is weird.
Aiden the MBC gives TRAC! the black box and TRAC! recovers the White Haired Dude's voicemails and it turns out that TRAC!'s mom is in love with him and she knows to "go dark" should she not hear from him soon. Bleh.
Well, okay. That was a thing we watched. Now it's naptime. Maybe during naptime, Nolan will sit around and be charming and TRAC! will make FACES and this show will be fun again.
Let me know what YOU thought about the episode in the comments!