Hey guys, do you know what time it is? No? ME NEITHER. I just got back from a wedding in Texas and I am so very confused! Yesterday, I somehow managed to wake up at 7am and sit through six and a half hours of class, but then I still didn’t fall asleep till 5 am and slept till noon, when the guy that comes to check my smoke detector every Wednesday opened up my apartment to find me still in bed, in my underwear. My internal clock is fuuuuuuckkkeddd.
Anyway, it is a long flight from Texas to Scotland. I know because I’ve now done it three times in the past month. I don’t care if I have to swim back to America, I am NEVER FLYING AGAIN. You’re just wedged in that cramped seat next to the obese lady, behind the screaming baby, and in front of the kicking child for hours and hours. Lately, I haven’t been sleeping on planes, which means that I had all the time in the world to watch the terrible, terrible movies they show on transcontinental flights. But sometimes, you find a diamond in the rough, like that time I watched The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift three times on the way to India. Is it a good movie? No. But would I watch the mother-loving shizz out of that movie if I weren’t trapped in a tiny flying box of death? Absofuckinglutely.
So let’s dish about the things I watched on three transcontinental flights this month: the good, the bad, and the unbearable.
Starring: the voices of Kelly MacDonald, my ultimate girl-crush, Emma Thompson, my imaginary BFF, and all the other famous Brits
Scottish Princess Merida is of an age to be married off for peacekeeping purposes. Her overbearing mother arranges a traditional competition for the sons of different clans to win Merida’s hand in marriage. But Merida, being the BAMF that she is, beats them all and claims her own destiny, setting the kingdom into a state of chaos that only she can set right again.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Yes, but...
I really enjoyed this movie, and I even teared up at one point. But if you haven’t seen it, I have to give the warning--this movie is only Dreamworks good. It’s not Pixar good. As much as it pains me to say that, particularly about Pixar’s first movie with a female lead, it’s true.
Title: Snow White and the Huntsman
Starring: Charlize Theron, Thor, “Finnick,” the director’s baby mama, and The Other Woman
In this Snow White retelling, filmmakers try to convince us that Charlize Theron is less attractive than Kristen Stewart, while the latter roles around in some dirt for most of the film. There’s some sort of love triangle between Kristen Stewart, Thor, and “Finnick,” but I was more interested in filling out my customs form than finding out who she picks. I suspect Thor, because he was the least bland of a lot of bland characters.
Would I watch this not on a plane? No
Frankly, I’m not sure why I watched this on a plane, either. It was pretty dull.
Title: The Lucky One
Starring: Zac Efron’s Guns
Nicholas Sparks bla bla bla Army bla bla bla love triangle bla Ooo! Sexy shower scene! bla bla bla tragic death blaaaaaaaaaa.
But fun fact! One of my flight attendants on my way from Gatwick to Edinburgh was named Nicholas Sparks! For realzies! I saw his name tag! Maybe it was the real Nicholas Sparks, doing research for his next book about a flight attendant who falls in love with soldier coming back from Afghanistan, only he's on leave to visit his girlfriend in a coma (I know, I know, it's serious!). And he has feelings for the flight attendant, too, but he feels guilty and unfaithful, yet he must decide whether or not to pull the plug and let his girlfriend go. Can he learn that the only way his heart will mend is when he learns to love again? Yes, this must be it.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Hells to the no! Ok maybe.
This movie, like all Nicholas Sparks movies, is TERRIBLE. Buuuutttt I do have a tendency--when I’m really sick--to go on a Nicholas Sparks binge, against all better judgement. This is how I saw both Dear John and The Last Song. I always hate myself afterwards, but four out of five Nicholas Sparks movies seem to be filmed in my home town, and it’s kind of comforting. This one isn’t shot there, but I’ve kind of loved Zac Efron ever since 17 Again, and so should you.
Title: Men in Black III
Starring: The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin
Agent J must jump back to the 1960s to save Agent K from being killed in the past by a time-traveling alien hell-bent on destroying the Earth. Essentially, Men in Black wanted an excuse to jump on the Mad Men Express.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Nah
For a plane movie, this was shockingly watchable. In real life, none of it makes any kind of time-traveling sense, and it has a dumb ending.
Title: Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter
Starring: Benjamin Walker, Dominic Cooper, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Rufus Sewell
Hey, remember that whole Civil War business that went down in the 1860s? Turns out that a bunch of those dickhead slave-owners were actually vampires! Honest Abe, whose mother was killed by a vampire, decides not just to fight for freedom of equality but also from the oppression of
The Volturi Rufus Sewell’s vampire army.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Yep
I was over vampires before they even began, and Mary Todd Lincoln is kind of a wet blanket, except for in one scene. But damn, those are some sweet fight scenes.
Starring: Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hugh Dancy, Rupert Everett
Back in the day, sexually frustrated rich women were all diagnosed with the completely made-up illness, “hysteria.” The treatment for hysteria was to go to see your doctor every few days and get your bits fondled, which is extra gross because this was a time when a lot of doctors still weren’t washing their hands. Vaguely based on a true story, this film tells the story of Doctor Hugh Dancy, who has carpal tunnel from sticking his hand in vaginas all day. So he invents the first vibrator. Meanwhile, Maggie Gyllenhaal has the worst family ever.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Probably
It wasn’t the best movie, and the one lady singing opera while she orgasms was a little much for me. (Side note: they can show that on airplanes now? I don’t know about you, British Airways. I think I also saw some boobs in Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter). But it was entertaining enough, I guess. Plus, that Hugh Dancy is a cutie, even when he has the world’s creepiest job.
Title: The Amazing Spiderman
Starring: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, President Bartlett
Teenager Peter Parker gets bitten by a genetically engineered spider and turns into Spiderman. After his uncle Ben gets shot, he turns into a crime-fighting vigilante, and New Yorkers aren’t sure what to make of him, friend or foe? But when a giant man-lizard starts terrorizing the city, they are willing to accept his help a little more readily.
He also creepily stalks Gwen Stacey, but she thinks it’s kind of cute. I’ll give her a pass because Andrew Garfield is adorkable.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Sure
I didn’t think it was particularly better than the Toby Maguire iteration like everyone said it was going to be, but I do think Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield are THE CUTEST.
Starring: RIGGINS! Rihanna, Alexander Skarsgård, Landry, Brooklyn Decker, Liam Motherfucking Neeson
Tim Riggins is bad at being a grown-up, so his older brother forces him to join the Navy. I am not an expert, but I don’t think that’s how the Navy works? Like, you can’t just imprison your adult family members in the military if they’re misbehaving. In fact, I’m pretty sure the Armed Forces try to keep you out if you’re an alcoholic criminal deviant type. This isn’t like sending your delinquent child off to military school. Anyway, Riggins is in the Navy now and is dating Admiral Neeson’s hot daughter, but since he’s a big screw-up, Admiral Neeson hates him and is about to kick him out of the Navy. Then out of nowhere, there’s an alien invasion! And Riggins must learn to be a leader in order to fight off their vastly superior alien technology!
Would I watch this not on a plane? Ugh, no
This was far and away the worst thing I sat through. Not even the presence of a really hot cast could save this movie. I recommend just looking at this FYA pinterest board instead.
Title: Absolutely Fabulous episode “Olympics”
Starring: Jennifer Saunders, Joanna Lumley
After 20 years, nothing has changed. Patsy and Eddie are still the same fashion obsessed, raging alcoholic buffoons they’ve always been, this time in the context of the 2012 Olympic games. Sure, they haven’t progressed as characters in the past two decades, but would you want them to? Of course not.
Would I watch this not on a plane? Always
True story: I dressed up as Patsy Stone for Halloween two years ago. I couldn’t get my hair quite high enough, but it was still awesome.
Title: The Avengers
Starring: All those famous Marvel superhero people
That guy Megan tried to cast as Darcy shows up looking hella creepy using some words from A Wrinkle In Time and starts fucking things up real bad. Scarlett Johansson’s boobs bounce around a lot while she speaks questionable Russian for someone who was supposedly born there and beats some dudes up. Gwyneth Paltrow makes me want to punch her in the jorts, as per usual. Mark Ruffalo doesn’t critique films in nearly enough caps for my liking, and then... I fell asleep. I FELL ASLEEP. THE ONE TIME I FELL ASLEEP DURING LIKE 30 GOD-AWFUL HOURS FLYING BACK AND FORTH FROM TEXAS WAS DURING THIS ACTUALLY GOOD MOVIE. WTFFFFFF?????!!!!
Would I watch this not on a plane? Yes
Um, obviously. I’m still so mad at myself that THIS was the movie during which I finally fell asleep. But seriously, Megan, what are you smoking? Loki will never be Darcy.
Title: What to Expect When You’re Expecting
Starring: A bunch of people who are too good to be in this movie, Chace Crawford
I was flipping channels when I was like, “Oooo Anna Kendrick!!! I LOVE HER!” And it was in Spanish, but that didn’t bother me so much as the fact that she appeared to be with Nate Archibald, and Anna Kendrick is WAY out of Nate Archibald’s league. And then after about five minutes, I realized I was watching What to Expect When You’re Expecting and changed the channel as fast as I could
Would I watch this not on a plane? No
I couldn’t even watch this while I was on a plane.