Previous episode: "High Infidelity"
Between watching the final presidential debate and then “Dirty Rotten Scandals,” I was pretty tipsy and generally sad for the state of humanity.
I’m aware I’m SUPER late to the game on the realization that everyone on this show is a horrible, horrible human being but tonight everyone really stepped up their game on not having any redeemable qualities. Also—after last week, this episode was just laughably horrible. This was my face throughout this whole episode:
Blair is attempting to be a successful businesswoman ala Romy and Michelle—and it doesn’t seem to be working out super well for her. She missed fashion week but is convinced that it doesn’t matter that her line didn’t show during the HUGEST fashion event of the season. It’s now about it girls—not celebrities—endorsing your line.
Serena is playing mom to Sage—doting on her by going and buying berries at the farmer’s market—hopefully in the sequined tank top she’s wearing during breakfast. But Sage is uninterested in her father’s “trophy girlfriend.” Barry Watson is afraid he and Serena took things too quickly (DUH) and wants to take a break if Sage continues to be awful. Serena literally tells Barry Watson she used to be exactly like Sage when she was growing up. Hey S, remember when you were OD’ing on coke with the dude from Cobra Starship like 6 months ago? Just saying.
Dan is staying with Nate and Chuck which seems like a bad idea but Nate’s too dim and Dan’s too desperate to completely realize this. Nate is planning on publishing the first in Dan’s UES series but wants Dan to call and make sure everyone won’t hate him. Dan’s response is pretentious per usual: “Do you think Raymond Carver makes a courtesy call to the Astros before publishing an expose on them?”
Oh Dan—did you really think Nate knows who Raymond Carver is? Especially from that one journalism class we know he went to.
Ivy and Rufus are together—and it’s super gross. And they find out that Dan’s first Spectator piece is about the older man having sex with the young con-artist. Escandalo!
And Blair’s it girl has dropped out of the fashion show—forcing her to reach out to Serena for help. All of this is echoing season 1. Which Serena declines because she’s focusing on Sage and Barry Watson now because they are her family not Blair. Serena declines to mention that in the previous scene Sage very condescendingly tells Serena after her motherly pep talk, “And they say you can’t be pretty and smart.” Poor Blair. This spirals into one of the most ridiculous scenes I’ve seen in Gossip Girl history (I KNOW), where Blair’s post-Serena conversation freak out slurs Dorota’s speech and puts everything into slow motion before Blair faints. This is capped by Dorota saying “We all want you to be Blair Waldorf Bass.” No comment. Blair is suffering from an extremely rare illness of exhaustion relegated to many celebrities and has to be put on bed rest right before her fashion show.
After attempting to spend a day with Sage, Serena has lost her to underage drinking and shopping. In trying to relocate Sage, Serena heads to The Spectator to see if she’s there. Nate’s rebuttoning his shirt—so S just missed her! Apparently, it’s not a big deal to Nate that Sage is 17 or that he’s sexing her up in his office. I guess that’s what the Editor in Chief does? Serena complains about not finding Sage and how it’s hard to go through Barney’s without looking at the shoes. Nate per usual doesn’t understand what’s going on and Serena explains by telling him, “I’m supposed to be mentoring her.” And Nate’s response is perfect, “You a mentor?” Maybe Dan was right re: Nate’s IQ?
After Dan’s first UES piece goes live on The Spectator, according to Nate has led them to a new demographic judging from the comments—an over 35 crowd who love vintage indie rock and dirt on other people’s marriages. Which is kinda perfect. However, a GG blast goes out saying that Rufus is planning on suing Dan and The Spectator. Later, Nate freaks out—which I’m not really sure why he didn’t expect this to happen before publishing Dan’s piece. And I’m pretty sure Dan made a bj joke about Rufus swallowing? I might have been drunk? But it certainly sounded like it.
Over at Cedars Sinai aka Blair’s bed rest, she’s freaking out about what’s going to happen with the fashion show. She can’t use her minions because of what happened with Poppy. And THEN – the character destruction of Blair Waldorf---happens in one line. She then says Dan is still furious with her so she can’t ask him. Did Blair just lump Dan in with her minions? I know she’s never been a great person obviously, but this is just depressing. Apparently Chuck can hear the signal of distressed women and he just rolls in, ready to save the fashion show.
Sage has told her father that Serena has got her a place in Blair’s fashion show which makes Serena have to ask Blair for help. Serena, with her impeccable sense of timing, goes to Blair (who isn’t on bed rest now and is wearing AN INCREDIBLE DRESS) right before the fashion show to ask about putting Sage in—selling her as a fresh face. Blair agrees only because she has no other options and makes Serena have to sit in the front row and say nice things about her collection in return.
Of course the fashion show ends up being a disaster for many reasons. Serena pitches a fit because Blair has seated Barry Watson elsewhere and insults Nelly Yuki by calling her one of Blair’s minions—which from last week’s episode is a bad idea. The collection is completely Blair in every way—but when Sage comes onto the runway and strips down to her underwear—it steals the show. Serena, since she’s a “mother” now, condemns the show in front of everyone and huffs out. And yet again Serena inadvertently ruins things for Blair. We know that Sage has obviously done this to ruin Serena’s relationship with Barry Watson, but Blair and Serena have to have a back and forth about which of them was behind it first.
Dan goes and talks to Rufus about the story in The Spectator—and tells him his concern for Rufus dating someone who had tried to have sex with Dan and asked him to call her Serena. Sometimes I think Dan is the only person who remembers things on this show. Things are vaguely resolved between the two of them—mostly because as Rufus later tells Ivy, Dan published the truth about him. And Rufus doesn’t seem to care. Oh and that GG blast was fake—and sent in by Ivy.
Nate in his support of his underage girlfriend, finds out at the fashion show that Dan has sold the rest of his serial to Vanity Fair. When he confronts Dan at a bar, Dan tells Nate straight up that if he has more readers, he has more power. Nate is pissed but Dan insists that this is something that any of them would do, and he’s right. He doesn’t have a place to stay anymore—so when Nelly Yuki shows up at the bar and tells Dan he can stay with her he seems into it until some basic chick in a bandage dress tells him she read his article on The Spectator and offers him a drink. Dan is just as bad as all of them.
Barry Watson knows that Sage was behind the fashion show hijinks and Serena lets Sage know that nothing will come between her and Barry Watson. S even makes a Machiavelli reference—which is infinitely confusing to me.
Blair’s fashion credit is looking pretty dire with Nelly Yuki’s bad write up in WWD and having no interest from buyers for her collection. Of course Chuck shows up with champagne to comfort Blair, but despite Blair’s drunken sex pleas, will only spoon with her. Since when does Chuck not take advantage of anyone? However, they decide to join forces to accomplish whatever they are trying to accomplish separately—which doesn’t make a lot of sense to me.
Things That Could Be Important Eventually:
• Dan is becoming a villain?
• On the boring Bart Bass front, Chuck gave a former bodyguard, who was there the weekend of the mystery man, a huge duffle bag full of cash. So I’m guessing we’ll get some info soon.
• Ivy’s scheming is really next level in her manipulation of Rufus.
Next week, Barry Watson finds out Serena slept with Nate. And Barry Watson slept with Lily?!
Gossip Girl photos via The CW.
Kerensa Cadenas writes for Women and Hollywood, This Was Television and is the Research Editor for Tomorrow magazine. You can find her other published writing at her website. She'll be tweeting pictures of her group Heathers costume this weekend. Yes, they have a croquet set.