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A Highly Scientific Analysis of THE HOST Trailer

In which FYA performs accurate science and uses available evidence to determine whether Stephenie Meyer's The Host, now made into movie form, will be worth watching in the theatres.  Or, you know, ever.

A Highly Scientific Analysis of THE HOST Trailer

Welcome, scientists!  Please, please, hang up your lab coats there on those chic little knobs I fashioned from old bunsen burner parts, and let's all gather round.  Please feel free to pour yourself a drink in an available erlenmeyer flask - I assure you, they've all been properly scoured!!  We have such business to discuss, my brilliant friends!  Such an enigma to put our minds to!  Why, we haven't seen a challenge like this since ol' Dr Roberts tried to use us in that experiment with the brain donors!  Phew!

Why yes, my friends, I'm talking about the trailer for the greatest science fiction movie OF ALL TIME, Stephenie Meyer's The Host.  Forget Alien or Star Wars or any of those other lesser movies starring washed out deadbeats with weird hair; THIS is going to be the movie that changes the landscape of the future!

Don't believe me?  Let's check it out together!

FANCY, right?  I KNOW.  Now let's break this shizz down WITH SCIENCE.

We open with a classic shot of a midnight snack raid.  How come, in alien-infested futures, the electricity always still works?  Do aliens even need electricity?  I figure they can make it themselves with their antennae.

All romances in the future begin with headlocks.  FACT.

Courtship then evolves by shining a flashlight into one's future paramour's face, blinding them to the possibilities of a life with anyone else.

The next step is the ritual sharing of plants, which have become nearly extinct in Alien-controlled Earth.  These contraband plants represent fertility.  A man will gift a plant to a woman as a way of saying, "hey baby, I wanna bone you."

The relationship is culminated when the couple kisses epically in the middle of a desert landscape.  How come people are always kissing in the middle of desert landscapes?  Where are their cars?  Did they walk out there?  If I walked out that far, I wouldn't want to kiss anyone.  I would just want some water and a fan.

But just as our dream couple are getting cozy on the couch . . .

Wham!  More aliens!  But what could they want?

To do some fun Lite-Brite embroidery, of course!  Look for this to show up on Pinterest soon!

Saoirse Ronan HATES crafts, so she jumps out of a window!  That's a terrible over-reaction, Saoirse!  Just avoid Hobby Lobby!

But!  With the power of a giant diamond, Saoirse is brought back to life!  Because diamonds are a girl's best friend!

And then the movie takes a sharp turn for the something else.   Here are some people in a cave!

Car chases! With aliens!  Boy howdy, this is something new and exciting that has never been brought to the screen before!

Ooh, a trip to some stalactites with led lighting!  Expect this craft on Pinterest soon as well!

Wait, is this a sci-fi movie, an action movie, or a tense psychological thriller?  You're not allowed to have the double-mirror image in any movie except the tense psychological thriller, THIS IS A RULE.

Alright, scientists!  Sound off below!  We need your analysis!  Will you be watching this GLORIOUS film in the theatres?  And . . . do you have any idea what's actually going on in the movie?  And am I supposed to be rooting for any of the characters?  And why do the aliens just want to make crafts all the time?

Erin Callahan's photo About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.