Previous episode: "Where the Vile Things Are"
I know. I’m embarrassed too. I’m going to blame it on post Liz & Dick followed by Breaking Dawn Pt. 2 viewings coupled with the leftover Thanksgiving alcohol reserves pooling in my body, but I actually didn’t actively hate this episode. This is mainly because the show provided the absolutely batshit things I appreciate about it and also acknowledged that everyone is the worst.
As any generally supportive father would, Bart has ransacked Chuck’s place to find his envelope of incriminating evidence. It’d really be so much better if it was hidden in a banana stand right?
Although, Chuck has quite the zinger when he asks Bart if “what could be so important for you to hide it? Your Viagra?” And that actually seems like a fair question for Chuck to ask, since he’s just preparing for what people will ask him when he’s Bart’s age. But in an intriguing-ish twist, Ivy shows up with the precious microfilm (LOL) from the envelope telling them whoever will destroy Lily will get the information back. This isn’t before she describes the Chuck and Bart relationship as a “riveting Oedipal showdown.” Which might actually be the best way to describe the whole show, minus the riveting part.
Serena and Dan are currently in post-coital bliss, the kind where apparently they can’t leave the bed except for to get espressos to talk about feelings over. Over this particular talk, they decide to make amends with everyone they know so they can go public about their love. Ugh please.
Blair is about to launch a pop-up shop at Barney’s Co-Op for her new line. Serena comes along, in a truly horrible ensemble, saying to Blair that “I won’t accept losing you.” S has an extremely short memory considering two episodes ago she claimed she would never see B again. And they come up with a vintage Gossip Girl plan to help Blair’s line gain notoriety—making Sage think that Serena is getting back together with Barry Watson who will then go to Blair for help.
So, we finally find out who Ivy has been talking to on those secret phone calls to bring Lily down. And it’s not Lola! It’s William Van der Woodsen, Serena’s dad! AND THEY ARE IN LOVE (well as much as anyone is actually in love on this show). Ivy has some pretty choice lines during this hotel room scene.
“Acting like I’m in love with Rufus when I’m really in love with you is the hardest role of my life”
“But if I eat another waffle I’ll puke.”
Although, Ivy is not really that great at destroying Lily because I think outing her relationship with William would actually really piss off/embarrass Lily. But I’m not a con artist from Florida, so I’ll let her continue.
Side note: When did Gossip Girl become Pretty Little Liars in terms of its age-inappropriate relationships?
While Serena is making her amends with Blair, Dan attempts to do the same with Chuck and Nate which basically results in him spying on Bart for Chuck like everyone else on this show apparently. This isn’t without some truly holier than thou insults from both Nate and Chuck first.
Chuck to Dan: “That [making amends] implies you have a soul.”
Nate to Dan: “Chuck Bass turns out to be the good guy and Dan Humphrey’s the villain.”
Did this show have temporary amnesia of the laundry list of terrible things Chuck and even Nate have both done?
On the Blair Waldorf High School regression train, Blair has used Sage to get her to a five families meeting, a group that Blair herself created back at Constance. She’s hoping to get these girls at her pop-up to create buzz amongst the youths. Things have changed with the council a bit since B created it, as Sage puts it now that “mob trumps monarchy.” And in obvious GG fashion, Sage learns that she’s been tricked right before Blair’s pop-up and instructs the rest of the group to not buy anything or say anything nice.
Rufus and Lily get in a huge fight about Ivy (I think, kinda forgot) mainly so Rufus can be on the UES just in time to spot Ivy and William kissing post-lunch!
Earlier in the episode, Nate begged his money dude to continue The Spectator’s line of credit. Bart swoops in to let Nate know that he is the one that cosigned the credit and essentially owns Nate and will use The Spectator to destroy Chuck. Doesn’t Bart have better things to do? Like RUN Bass Industries instead of blackmail 20 year olds?
In continuing this boring Chuck-Bart-Ivy plot, Chuck tells Ivy that he plans to plant the microfilm on Lily at Blair’s pop-up event so she can be arrested publicly. We later learn he actually has no plans to do this because he could never hurt Lily. Bart’s plan is pretty lame, he tells Ivy he plans on divorcing Lily, where on the spot she tells Bart to strip to create some sort of sex scandal to which Bart thinks they were actually going to do it. Chuck breaks into the hotel room and demands the envelope but receives a text from Dan letting him know that Lily has the microfilm. How so? Previously, when this envelope was blatantly hanging out Ivy’s bag , Rufus finally put everything together and stole the microfilm and brought to Lily. And poor Ivy can’t get a hold of William (surprise!).
Chuck goes to Lily to beg her not to destroy the evidence against Bart. Lily claims that Bart has done nothing but prove his love for her (also known as buy her diamond necklaces) and destroys the evidence. Basically, everyone has to start over again in their ridiculous plans to bring one another down, as usual.
Serena shows up to Blair’s pop-up in maybe one of the most ridiculous things I’ve ever seen her wear. And that’s saying a lot. But Serena is really going out of her way to suck up to Blair, telling her “B your clothes are original and beautiful just like you.” Note the clothing racks behind them hold plain pleated skirts and white button downs, just saying. But I did love the posters for B’s line in the background look like old Gossip Girl book covers, so good job on that. Overall, Blair’s pop-up goes really well. Sage’s minion types can’t help themselves in loving the fashions and she even gets a great write up in WWD from Nelly. As we all expected when Blair goes to let Chuck know about her success and learns about his failed mission—guess what Chuck does? He REJECTS BLAIR for the billionth time. Yet again, they can’t be together. Chuck really needs to get his family issues on lock—like go back to therapy bro. I’m sure we will get a similar encounter between the two next week.
Serena and Dan meet up in Serena’s bed post-making amends of the day. They both say completely silly things to one another, such as Serena thinking that she and Blair are in a great place (AFTER 4 HOURS). And Dan tells Serena that she’s always been the one. When Serena goes to sequin her cleavage or something, I had the feeling like this can’t be right. And as with my Gossip Girl sixth sense (it’s like Spidey sense), I was correct. In an extremely quick phone conversation with Georgina, Dan is using Serena right now to write the chapter about her! AH! Dan is terrible! They are all terrible!
Things of Potential Future Importance:
• Nate did fake The Spectator’s financial numbers.
• Blair left Serena a really sad/cute phone message which leads me to believe something bad is going to happen between them again.
• Chuck knows about Bart “owning” Nate.
• Lily is spiking her chamomile tea.
Next week: Thanksgiving on the UES! I hope Blair’s dad comes for the festivities, but I doubt it.
Kerensa Cadenas writes for Women and Hollywood , This Was Television and is the Research Editor for Tomorrow magazine. You can find her other published writing at her website. You can find her Liz & Dick live-tweeting rampage archive here.