Previous episode: "Save the Last Chance"
Despite bringing some Shakespearean level drama this week, Gossip Girl still suffered from being inexplicably boring. You guys, I’m honestly to the point where I can’t really remember when I enjoyed this show? And we still have two episodes left!
This week’s episode centered around the favorite holiday of our beloved Upper East Siders, Thanksgiving!
Apparently, everyone is taking this holiday seriously because they are all in varied states of sleeping, in bed, eating in bed or in pajamas except for Blair, who is planning on going to visit Eleanor in Paris. You know I’ve been lamenting the GG writers for essentially cutting the soul out of my formerly beloved Blair, but now even the costume department is on it. Did we all see that pantsuit? That TERRIBLE pantsuit. Blair would never, well now that she’s a shell of her former self, I guess she would and she will continue to make excuses for Chuck.
Serena and Dan decide to throw Thanksgiving for everyone, mostly because Lily and Bart are going away and Serena likes to flaunt the beginnings of her relationships in front of her friends. (Spoiler alert: That line could be co-written by Lonely Boy himself!) Serena begs Blair to come per usual and Blair agrees only because the meddling opportunities are high. Basically, Serena’s optimism about her and Dan is sadly hilarious.
Chuck is drunk. Nate is anxious about Bart and horny post-Sage. Chuck is drunkenly berating Nate about betraying him because of Bart. But hello Chuck, Nate wasn’t planning on being blackmailed by Bart. It’s not like he had it in his IPhone calendar (or whatever Bing sponsored phone they have on this show).
Chuck however, always wise, gives Nate some excellent advice regarding Bart: “Just lie back and think of England.” Is this another Chase Crawford/Ed Westwick rumor shoutout?!
Blair really doesn’t want Serena and Dan back together, so she decides to scheme with Sage AGAIN to try to get S and Barry Watson back together. Mostly because Blair is convinced that “only 4 holidays stand between Serena & being a June bride,” and because she knows Sage wants Nate back, so it’s easy.
Dan meets up with Georgina who accurately describes Dan’s next chapter as a “sniveling valentine” about Serena, but Dan’s already sent it into Vanity Fair, so Georgina is going to have to do some scheming to go about getting it. Georgina hunts down the assistant to try to get the chapter. But this assistant is not budging. But we do learn that Dan has submitted two chapters about Serena. Typical Lonely boy.
Serena is grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. Which on a very basic level confuses me to no end because I assumed S has never stepped into a grocery store? I mean it’s obviously Dean & Deluca not Trader Joe’s, but it’s still confusing. And guess who she runs into?! Sage and Barry Watson! I actually feel really bad for poor Barry Watson because he’s been clearly hypnotized by Serena’s cleavage and he is dripping desperation. At one point he even utters, “Seeing you is the first thing I’ve been thankful for in weeks.” Barry Watson needs to do the following:
And since Serena, per usual, sees nothing wrong with inviting her ex-almost-fiancé and his daughter who dated her other ex-boyfriend to the Thanksgiving dinner she’s hosting with her current boyfriend.
On the boring oil Bart Bass crime front, turns out Bart probably killed some people to cover up his crime. Upon learning that Chuck has banned Blair from the Empire (the only other time was during a sex fast), she teams up with Nate for some scheming that includes a push-up bra and Bass Industry computer passwords. I’m assuming the point of the push-up bra was for when Blair shows up to see Chuck dressed in “traditionally sexy Native American dress.” When did this show get so racist/culturally insensitive? (Note: I know what I’m watching, but seriously, writers? C’mon.) And then Blair tells Chuck that “Pocahontas needs her John Smith.” Gross, but it gets him out of bed and in the Thanksgiving spirit?
One thing I wasn’t emotionally prepared for was how sad all the scenes between Dan and Rufus were this week. Rufus attempts to give Dan some fatherly advice about Serena saying, “I’m just surprised you haven’t learned by now. We Humphrey men never stand a chance with Van der Woodsen women. They are always going to choose guys like Bart Bass.” And Dan responds in pod-person Dan Humphrey speak saying, “We can become Bart Bass.” Well, this doesn’t bode well.
Unsurprisingly, everything goes down during Thanksgiving dinner and everyone (except Rufus who is sobbing while playing a guitar somewhere) including Lily and Bart end up at dinner. Pre-dinner, Dan and Serena fight about Barry Watson being there. Barry Watson desperately tries to get Serena back. Serena continues to profess her love for Dan and is convinced Dan would never write about her. LOL.
Chuck is angry Bart is there and continues drinking heavily. Sage is trying to get all up on Nate again (and it’s working). And she surprisingly has some choice quotes:
On wanting to talk to Nate: “Don’t worry, I’m not pregnant. I just miss you.”
While Nate is trying to break into the Bass Industry files: “Nate, I came up here to make out, not to watch you and Chuck play Wikileaks.”
Blair reveals her and Nate’s plan which included texting Jack Bass. I kind of miss him. And Georgina crashes dinner in typical Georgina fashion.
Everything falls apart before anyone can eat the turkey Serena cooked (which could be a blessing in itself), Chuck and Blair find a document proving that Bart provided faulty vehicles to both the men that died, which finally convinces Lily that Bart is terrible. Bart’s reaction to Lily’s fear is to shake her violently. UGH. Remind you of anyone? Lily finally agrees to help Chuck bring Bart down, but she’s really worried for their (aka her) safety, so she goes away. And Chuck asks Blair to wage war upon Bart with him. When did this show become some weird mob drama?
Georgina gives an epic speech saying that she’s thankful for the freedom of press and then announces Dan’s latest chapter entitled, “Serena Van der Woodsen, Golden Girl Falls from Grace: A Faux Love Story.” Couldn’t Dan come up with a better title than that? That’s some serious high school creative writing shit. Serena and Dan have some major words that touch upon Serena’s obvious daddy issues and that S has never seen Dan as an equal. But Dan paradoxically says that everything he’s told Serena about how he feels about her is still the truth? Ok. She says something about Dan being different and his response was: “I used to be but it got me nowhere. So now I’m the same.” This made me sad, but I’m glad they didn’t wimp out on this Dan bringing down the UES storyline. And in obvious GG fashion, Nate punches Dan in front of everyone. But Dan doesn’t care! He has a plan and it’s entitled “Final Chapter.”
Things of Importance/Hilarity:
• That tablet placement while Serena and Dan are reading the recipe was so hilarious and obvious.
• Blair refers to Dorota as her avatar.
• “I forgot you were gluten-free.” Serena to Barry Watson
• “You must be in seventh heaven.” Blair on Barry Watson wanting Serena back. I’m so glad they finally made this reference!
• Bart was impressed by Dan’s backstabbing of everyone and offers him any help he needs.
• Nate tells Sage about his financial “mistake.”
• Serena immediately calls Barry Watson post-Dan, who doesn’t answer her phone call.
Next week: Chuck gets on a plane! And it crashes! JK, we all know that won’t actually happen.
Gossip Girl photos via The CW.
Kerensa Cadenas writes for Women and Hollywood , This Was Television and is the Research Editor for Tomorrow magazine. You can find her other published writing at her website. She will be tweeting an obit for her dearly departed The L.A. Complex.