HEY Y'ALL. Erin here. What's up with "winter finales," anyway? When did that become a thing? I don't want to watch Hallmark Hall of Fame Christmas movies! (Okay . . . I sort of do.) I wanna watch people be bitchy to each other and then sing country songs!
But anyway, here's what happened on the so-called winter finale:
- In thanks to Rayna, Marshall okays Rayna's new album and welcomes Liam to the label. Rayna and Liam are totally going to have an affair, y'all. Except! The duet is SO popular, that now the label wants Rayna and Juliette to co-headline a big Arena tour, each closing out the tour every other night. This time, Rayna's not saying no. Progress!
- Teddy tells Rayna about the photos. He claims Peggy's going through problems with her husband and he was just trying to give her a hand. Rayna goes down to Coleman's office and gives him a little Tami Taylor what for, but he shows her the photos and tells her it looks like an affair. She tells him it's none of his damn business! Rayna and her sister discuss the issues and Rayna's sister promises her that Teddy's not having an affair.
- Deacon meets up with some weird, ugly old band friends of his called the Rebel Kings. They're all sober and have bad facial hair. I'm worried about their influence over Deacon. After a lot of hemming and hawing, Deacon agrees, against my better judgement. If Deacon's on tour, then he's not part of the Odd Couple with Scarlett!
- Sean wants Juliette to meet his parents. This happens at church, literally the worst place for Juliette to meet ANYONE. Sean's little sister, Dana, is adorable and wants Juliette to sing in the choir with her, and Juliette is gracious in her acceptance. They manage to do a perfectly harmonized song without any practice! Sean's parents invite Juliette over to Sunday dinner and she's actually a perfect guest - bringing flowers to Sean's mom and pink cowboy boots to Dana. But Sean's mom is a TOTAL BITCH to Juliette, basically saying that she's too trashy for Sean's "brand."
- Hailey gives Scarlett the name of a band looking for a lead singer. She does this, of course, because she wants Gunnar to get the hell over Scarlett. Which she basically tells him, and then realizes he won't, and then dumps him. Well, that was quick!! And then Gunnar IMMEDIATELY goes over to the Bluebird and confesses his love for Scarlett. You know what? I've changed my opinion of these two. I like that they don't pussyfoot around. Scarlett's totally discombobulated by everything that's happened to her in this episode, and can't bring herself to sing up on stage with Gunnar. (P.S. Their new song is really pretty.) Scarlett asks for some time to write separately. But then! They sell a song!
- The Avery Taylor Band plays for that Atlanta producer that Marilyn introduced them to. Avery comes over to Deacon's and offers Scarlett the bottle of champagne he'd been saving until he'd hit it big, saying they should have opened it when she got her deal. Well, yes, but also, STOP GETTING UP ON HER, AVERY. The Atlanta producer wants Avery to drop the rest of the band. Well, we all saw that coming.
- Coleman publishes the photos and PEGGY TRIES TO KILL HERSELF. Teddy comes clean to Rayna about the Credit Union deal. Rayna is DISPLEASED. She calls Deacon and they have a good little chat, both talking each other through their life questions. Rayna eventually shows up at a press conference and Stands By Her Man, although unfortch does not actually sing Stand By Your Man. Can't we buy some rights to some real country songs?
- Juliette's been ignoring her mama's phone calls, so Deacon brings over a letter from her. We learn that one of Juliette's mom's boyfriends was molestey. Lovely.
- Juliette invites Sean over to her house and she's got tons of candles lit and flowers in her hair and a fire pit going by the pool and she's rocking some blue eyeshadow and then . .. she asks him to marry her! AND FADE TO BLACK. BITCHES!
Juliette vs Rayna:
Erin: I'm gonna . . . give this ep to Juliette? Rayna got dealt a heavy blow, FO SHO, but it annoyed me that she didn't just kick Teddy straight out of the house and move Deacon straight in and tell her daughters that the role of Teddy is now being played by someone hotter and with better acting ability. And while I don't love Juliette, Sean's mom was a STRAIGHT UP B to Juliette at dinner. And I'm sorry, but you just don't treat a guest like that in your own home. Mrs Sean's Mom, you are a shit!
Posh: DEFINITELY Juliette. I mean, I was feeling for Rayna, and I'm proud of her for staying strong in this episode, but DAMN, Juliette OWNED this episode! Not only was she playing nice with Sean's family, she was actually being SINCERE. Like, girlfriend has been through a ton of shizz and really just wants to be part of a family where she doesn't have to eat dry pancake mix and avoid being molested by her cracked out mom's skeevy boyfriends. And then, after she made all this effort to be the perfect guest, Sean's mom up and tried to freeze her out. AS IF, Sean's Mom! You just earned yourself a world of hurt because NO ONE CAN OUT-BITCH JULIETTE. NO ONE.
Erin: Gunnar, in the Bluebird, with the KISSING! SAH-WOON.
Posh: AGREED! When he took her by the arm and pulled her close and his eyes were burning with intensity and he told her she is amazing and then they kissed and OMG WHY DID THEY STOP KISSING? I also got super excited by the scene when Rayna and Marshall were at the bar and RAYNA ORDERED A VODKA SODA. Which is, like, my jam! TAMI AND I DRINK THE SAME DRINK YOU GUYS.
Erin: I kinda love Sean's little sister and her obvious adoration of Scarlett. I'm going to direct my subconscious to make this more of a sub-plot in my head, so that tonight I dream about Juliette and Dana having a girls' shopping day, far away from bitchy Mrs Butler and her talk of Sean's brand.
Posh: I'm intrigued by what's happening to Avery right now. I mean, I still think he's a dick, but I like that the writers are challenging him and (maybe?) forming him into a better person. That scene when he gave Scarlett that bottle of champers was actually really poignant. And, of course, I got REALLY excited when Hailey broke up with Gunnar. Too bad she still works at that record company so we have to see her annoying face.
- WTF, Juliette, you've been dating Sean for like A WEEK. Girl I know you want some dick but damn!
- Rayna, I know you have kids and they come first, but explain why you haven't kicked out your embezzling, lying husband yet, please?
- Scarlett, how can you act surprised at Gunnar's feelings? Hello, do you even watch this show?
- Teddy, you won't even let Rayna celebrate her kickass musical duet for five minutes before you totally ruin her night with your stupid Peggy news? I mean, you wouldn't even stay for ONE GLASS of champagne? FREE CHAMPAGNE. No one should EVER walk away from a glass of free champers.
- Sean's Mom, you need to STEP OFF. Although I do have a grudging sense of admiration for your smooth skills of Southern Bitchiness.
- Juliette, I cannot BELIEVE you asked Sean to marry you! That was extremely unwise! And AWESOME.
- Scarlett, WHY ARE YOU SO CONFUSED ABOUT GUNNAR? He's handsome and sweet and he actually won't treat you like shizz! GET ON THAT.
- Is Sean going to say yes??
- Will Deacon really leave and go on tour with the gross facial hair people? Is Deacon going to leave us?
- When will Avery die in a fire??
- I would ask the same question about Sean but I watched the preview for the January episodes because I can't help myself so I ALREADY KNOW.
- Will Rayna get a divorce from Teddy?
- Will we ever see her daughters play music again?!
- Did Scarlett and Gunnar's relationship already jump the shark?!!
- WHO WILL WIN THE MAYORAL RACE? (It better be Coleman, y'all!)
So, what did y'all think? LET'S DISCUSS IN THE COMMENTS!