Because the actors who play in this show aren't beautiful enough, we get flashbacks! *drink!* tonight! Brilliant costumes! Crazy hairstyles! I can't wait!
Shirtless Salvatore RIGHT OUT OF THE GATE!!! *Drink!* And Elena in her unders! *Drink!* And music from Twilight… huh. Meanwhile Caroline and Stefan are going on about Elena being sire bonded to Damon, blah, blah, blah, sexy times! Stop cutting back to Caroline and Stefan!!!! Oooh. Ouch. Vampire sex. (Oh shit! +1)
This happened before the ouchy times.
In a barn in the woods, Faye and Tyler are continuing their sire bond-breaking boot camp. It's not going so well.
Elena is going to school and smooching, and Damon asks her for just one day together before they go and tell mean ol' Stefan about them. But uh-oh, Stefan's coming in as Elena leaves! Awkward!
Damon thinks Stefan's idea about the sire bond between him and Elena is a bunch of bull, but Stefan keeps pressing until he gets Damon to agree to ask Elena to try drinking from a blood bag again, thinking that Damon's sire mojo will allow her to be able to handle it. (Oh shit! +2)
At school (and let me just say that by this point, I'm pretty sure Elena would have flunked out, based on her attendance record the last three seasons alone) Bonnie and Caroline ask Elena how things are. Elena tells them how she can't go home on account of the fact that vampire slayer Jeremy wants to kill her, but yeah, everything's great! We should have a slumber party! Bonnie's cool with it, because she wants to dish about her crush on Professor Slim Shady, and insists to Caroline that he's NOT creepy. Psst! Bonnie! He is. But then Elena sees Damon in the hall, and makes a quick exit to go make out with him. Damon REALLY tries with the mojo to convince her that drinking from a blood bag will work, and it DOES! (Oh shit! +3) Elena is SUPER happy, but Damon realizes that maybe Stefan was right.
Professor Slim Shady finds Faye going through his papers, but he's not mad for some reason. Why are you working with Professor Slim Shady, Faye?!!! I really like you on this show! Oh! You want to know information that apparently a private eye couldn't get you about your biological parents! Well, that's okay then. All is forgiven. Oh, and we find out PSS wants twelve de-sired hybrids for some nefarious (and undoubtedly creepy) plot. George: Making cookies! He also needs a cup of brown sugar.
Caroline calls Stefan and tells him that there isn't an equivalent to the sire bond for vampires, but then Damon tells him that he was right! Damon is looking through old papers, and flashback! *Drink!* New Orleans, 1942. This chick who convinced Damon to turn her is apparently very literally minded, and snaps the neck of a guy who spills Damon's drink after he told her to guard it. Ooops. In the present, Damon tells us that was his first clue. Chick apparently turned out to be more than he wanted to handle, so he got a witch from NOLA to break the sire bond.
At Elena's slumber party, the bubbly is flowing, but Caroline tries to recreate the Spanish Inquisition. Bonnie says there should be no more boy talk, and hey, look at this tea PSS gave me! Isn't PSS the dreamiest?
Flashback! Oh, no, this is just New Orleans. Stefan hasn't been back since he shipped off to fight for his country in WWII, and Damon stayed behind. Stefan says this with much accusation in his voice. He and Damon then start arguing about Elena, and he goes so far as to say that the sire bond is preventing Elena from seeing how wrong Damon is for her! (Oh shit! +4) Then he says he's sorry, and flashback! *Drink!* Stefan's sorry in 1942, too! He and Lexi are going to meet Damon so Stefan can apologize for blaming him for his whole becoming a Ripper thing. Lexi reminds Stefan to behave, and really, I miss her. Stefan needs her in his life. George: To take him to Bon Jovi concerts! Stefan and Damon meet and they hug! Aw, brotherly love! Damon says he might like to join Army, too! But when Stefan goes to get more drinks, Lexi tells Damon that Stefan needs to learn self-control, and hanging out with Damon is not the way for him to do that. Then the crazy chick who's sire bonded to him shows up with a juice box, and upon seeing the blood, Stefan's eye's roll black like a shark's.
At the Bronze, Faye tells Tyler he needs to man up and be the alpha of the hybrid pack, but we know it's just because she needs twelve de-sired hybrids, or PSS is going to use Tyler.
Damon and Stefan are looking for the crazy literal chick Damon ditched in New Orleans, and they argue about which one of them is being more selfish where Elena is concerned. Then Damon is attacked! With kisses! The crazy chick was right where he left her! Literally. Damn. (Oh shit! +5) Oh well, at least she can help with directions.
At the slumber party, it's all "girls gone wild" with dancing and champers and taking pictures of each other. Then they are hugging and hanging out in the bathtub! Until Caroline starts picking on Damon's virtue again -- which, of course, she has a point about his man whore ways. But Caroline, if Damon was a girl, would you still call him a whore? Hmmm? Elena and Caroline argue, and Elena drops the "oh, by the way, I boned him".
In NOLA, Damon finds the witch's shop, and look! She's got brown skin! Surprise! Really now. And flashback! *Drink!* The old witchy shop owner -- who also has brown skin, let it be noted -- told Damon that the spell to break the sire bond required twelve human souls! Yikes! Also not unlike the twelve de-sired hybrids, hmmm? Also, also, the current witch is Tara's Mom from True Blood! Lookin' good! Then she tells them that she lost all of her grandmother's stuff in Katrina, so the sire bond spell is lost forever.
Elena is pissed off and cleaning -- exactly how I handle being pissed off! It's very productive. She tells Bonnie and Caroline that she might be falling in love with Damon, George: It's like she's the girl defending the boyfriend everybody hates. and Caroline can't seem to help her new interfering little self, and tells Elena about the sire bond, and that she was a victim in Damon's scheme, and I have to say, I think that's crossing a line, Caroline. I mean, where did all this Damon hate come from, anyway? Weren't he and Caroline getting along, like last season? Anyway, Elena tells the girls to leave, but just then the two new hybrids bust up in the place and start fighting with them. Well, Bonnie flashes lights, but whatever. She was helping. Then they kidnap Caroline!!!! (Oh shit! +6) Caroline, I may have been a little bit annoyed with you this episode, but I didn't want you to get kidnapped!!!
Tyler and Elena are searching the woods for the hybrids who stole Caroline, and Tyler is gong to lay down some Cesar Millan on their ass when he finds them. He also tells Elena that the sire bond doesn't affect how you FEEL, but it does affect how you ACT. See, her FEELINGS for Damon are her own, bishes!
Damon goes to visit Tara's mom from True Blood again, but she gives him a migraine. Turns out THERE WAS NO SPELL!!! The witch from 1942 just used Damon to practice some deep dark magic! And that the only way a sire bond happens, is if a human HAS FEELINGS for said vampire BEFORE they're turned! (Oh shit! +7) JUST LIKE WE ALL SAID LAST WEEK!!! Unfortunately, the only way to break the sire bond would be for Damon to tell Elena to never think of him again and then leave. (OH shit! +8)
All the hybrids are ganging up on Elena and Tyler and Caroline is being held prisoner! They're going to stake Caroline! But Elena offers herself up instead! And Tyler grabs the ring leader girl and punches her in the heart! And gives an impassioned speech! And lets her live! And all of the hybrids bow down to him! Aw!!! Yay Tyler! *Drink!*
Damon is trying to break his sire bond with the crazy chick, and she's having a sad about it. *Drink!* But he wants her to live her life! So he leaves. Then Stefan is all like, "Well it's all well and good when it's somebody else, but you'll never do that with Elena, because you're name should be Selfish McSelfishson." And Damon is all like, "Guess what, boyo. Sometimes you don't know as much as you think you know." And flashback! *Drink!* Damon has enlisted! He's at the train station to meet 'stefan! But Lexi tells him that if he goes with Stefan, it will destroy him! And that Damon needs to let Stefan go! For Stefan's sake! So Damon does!
Stefan eats a little bit of crow, but not all that much, considering. He tells Damon he just wants to know that if Elena doesn't choose him in the end, that it's all her, but Damon just says, "I know what I have to do." like a boss. (Oh shit! +9)
Caroline hugs Elena, and apologizes for being a bossy pants, and then they're all "hey, nice new magic, Bonnie!" And Bonnie tells them that Professor Slim Shady calls this new magic "expression", or something. I can't really tell if that's the word they're saying or not? But never mind, because it's the SAME EXACT word I couldn't really understand that Tara's mom from True Blood told Damon is the darkest, worst sort of magic! (Oh shit! +10)
PSS walks in on Faye again, and she tells him she's got him his twelve hybrids, so he tells her where to find her parents. In a graveyard. Because they're dead. But that that doesn't mean anything to him! Stick with him, kid, and he'll show you "expression" or something.
Caroline can't believe that Stefan feels bad for Damon, and she still doesn't trust Damon to break the sire bond with Elena. Stefan defends him, though! He says that he thinks Damon loves Elena as much as he does, (so, until she changes a bit, then?) and that he'll do the right thing.
Damon goes home to Elena, and she tells him she knows about the sire bond, and she doesn't care! It doesn't affect the way she feels! (Oh Shit! +11) And he tells her what a bad guy he is! And how he doesn't ever do the right thing! But that he HAS to do the right thing by her! (Oh shit! +12) But she holds his hand to her heart! Does this feel wrong, Damon? Does it? Or does her hand on your face feel wrong? I think she's trying to say that together they ARE right!
Whew! Well, that was very enlightening! Let's chat!