Previous episode: "It's Really Complicated"
The absurdity levels that this single episode of television held are unlike anything ever experienced. Since this show has gone completely insane, I apologize for this recap (and myself) because it has, also, gone crazy in a letter to the Gossip Girl writers. I also apologize from the lack of pictures from the episode, I couldn't stand to look at any of them again. I hope the gifs make up for it.
Dear Gossip Girl Writers,
I have been in a committed relationship with your television show since the beginning. Unlike my wavering affections for other shows (Glee, True Blood) I always stuck with you even when you got really terrible (Poppy Lifton, most Vanessa plots), really offensive (Chuck in most sexual encounters, almost hitting Blair, etc.) and came running back like a dumb puppy when you did great things (Blair and Dan). After watching the penultimate episode of Gossip Girl, this was my reaction:
Really you guys? This is what you’ve got? I obviously appreciate your references to seasons past scattered throughout the episode: Blair’s Audrey Hepburn dream sequence from Charade, Serena’s brief mention of Marshall in Los Angeles, Blair wearing a headband again, bringing Nate’s dad back to counsel him during his own fraud arrest. I also liked the brief but earnest conversation between Serena and Blair acknowledging their competitive natures, but how New York is big enough for both of them to shine and how scandal always passes for them. But that’s about it. I’m going to attempt to break down your offenses by character pairings, but since this episode was so insanely convoluted, I’m not totally sure how this will work. But I guess it can’t be more confusing and ridiculous than this episode!
Chuck/Bart/Nate: As in true Gossip Girl fashion, I appreciate your commitment to having everything go down at an event in every episode. Naming Bart Bass as the 2012 Man of the Year was truly a great plan. But doesn’t Bart have something else to do? Such as earning that title? I mean I know no one on this show has earned anything they have, but he’s an old, he’s a billionaire (generous?), he really should have better things to do than blackmail Nate into spying on Chuck, then having him arrested for fraud. I will give you points for Nate’s confusion about spying, “I don’t know how Claire Danes does this. Spying hurts my head.” But honestly, lovely writers, no one gives a fuck about Bart Bass. He’s an irrelevant, rich white dude. And we have enough of those already. You can do better.
On the Chuck front, I guess I admire his determination to bring his father down all season. But it has been maybe the most exhausting and boring storyline in the history of your show. And weirdly confusing? When did Chuck become the hero of the show, have you forgotten all the TERRIBLE things he’s done? I appreciate that you had him take up Bart’s “agreement” to exile him to Moscow (ugh I know everyone, I know) in order to protect Blair and his friends but he can never come back to New York ever again. LOL. I guess at least we know Chuck and Bart are never, ever getting back together. Since we are being honest here, that scene when Blair and Chuck are saying goodbye in front of the plane (after Bart has mildly abducted Blair to scare Chuck) was clearing pandering to a very specific Tumblr demographic. It recycles the same Blair and Chuck tropes we are used to after six seasons, Chuck asking Blair yet again to wait for him and that they will be together eventually. In another classic Bass dick move, after Blair believes that Chuck has died on the Bass plane crash, he miraculously shows up to Bart’s Man of the Year event, just in time for Dan, who is introducing him to say “a personal inspiration to me, Charles Bass.”
I’m so glad the gif above can accurately convey my feelings for multiple things in this letter. Praise be. Dan is now apparently flush with cash enough where he can afford to buy an apartment. And good for you Dan, girl get that skrilla from your unidentified movie deal that Nikki Finke is writing about. But darling writers, commit. If you are going to have Dan be a villain, just do it. However, I really wasn’t surprised when Dan and Serena run into one another, right after Dan has been asking Bart Bass for a reference to get in with the building co-op (in exchange for a flattering profile, hence the introduction at the event), she tells him to stop calling, emailing and texting her. And I was even less surprised, when after Bart has inexplicably received and read Dan’s unpublished chapter about Serena, Dan spills his guts whining about how he’s always been in love with Serena and just wants her to respect him, blah blah impotent writer dude feelings. While it’s never explicitly said, you know Dan only teamed up to help Chuck so he could prove to Serena that he’s not a bad guy. In the final Dan and Serena conversation before her “move to Los Angeles” (which obviously will not happen), again rehashes every conversation (one in which he says everything he’s ever written about her was flattering, did he forget all of Inside HIS NOVEL?) in the previous 40 minutes, he slips the unpublished chapter into her luggage, she tells him he’s worse than Gossip Girl and we all know what’s going to happen. Also, did he forget being in love with Blair?
When did you decide that you wanted to make Blair a pathetic, love-lorn shell of herself? Remember when she wanted to be a very powerful woman, and not everything she did revolved around Chuck? At this point, I barely remember that. While it’s always great to see Blair with her first love, scheming, of course it’s centered on Chuck because apparently that’s all this show is about now?
And this scheme, seriously? I’m glad Blair got together the ladies: Georgina, Ivy, Sage (who was in a great dress), and Serena (who Blair says is there because she plays dumb well) who are all great at schemes. I will place some blame upon myself, beloved writers, I couldn’t follow their scheme to bring Bart down at all. Mostly because I couldn’t remember anything that they were referencing to in trying to scare Bart, so I guess that’s more on you than me? But it never worked out! The fake calls from the dead guy’s phone, the weird stamped pieces of paper, the programs with the horses—Bart still remained triumphant, even despite Chuck’s announcement that Bart had tried to kill him.
I’m not entirely sure where to start with this one. After having Chuck escorted out, Bart traps him on the top of the building of the event. And they have a low-voiced growling creeper-off. My first initial thought was what is this music? The music that is playing in the background sounds like a weird Batman musical score rip-off. It is insane. And they continue, to the swell of the fake orchestra, to exchange typical father-son niceties to one another. Bart tells Chuck that trying to make him a man was his biggest failure! This launches Chuck into a righteous speech about what being a man includes, one attribute is not wanting to kill your son. Again, I know I’ve asked you sweet writers this question a million times, but do you remember anything about Chuck at all? He is the least qualified to give this speech, ever. Then they get into a fist fight which somehow ends with Bart hanging off the side of his skyscraper, yelling at Chuck to help him back up, and OBVIOUSLY falling to his death. Blair rushes in just in time to witness and we are left with “To Be Continued.” No offense darlings, but with your track record, I know nothing is going to change. Bart dying changes nothing. The series finale will be exactly we expect it to be.
Going into the finale, of a show I’ve spent six years watching, these are the two things I have to say to you, writers of Gossip Girl, which only can be conveyed in the following manner.
Things of Importance/Warnings for Next Week:
• I’m sorry I didn’t talk about Nate more, but he’s just so pretty and boring, even though he was arrested for fraud. Since his loss of The Spectator, he’s looking into his research about who Gossip Girl is in order to reveal it. Hope Vanity Fair covers it!
• Ivy briefly mentions that her and William have a pact similar to Blair and Chuck’s. This will not end well.
• If you plan on watching the finale next week, please tell a friend to have a pre-written, extremely flattering (and non-Gossip Girl mentioning) obituary ready. I told my BFF this, since the potential of dying of a rage stroke or alcohol poisoning is rather high.
Next episode: "New York, I Love You XOXO"
Kerensa Cadenas writes for Women and Hollywood , This Was Television and is the Research Editor for Tomorrow magazine. You can find her other published writing at her website. If you are in the Los Angeles area and are one of the 5 people who still watch this show, hit her up on Twitter. She needs drinking buddies for the finale.