If Juliette has the red lips, does that mean Rayna's telling the white lies?
Hey, y'all! Is it just me and Posh, or was Nashville firing on all levels this week? I mean, we got to see the girls three different times! Rayna's daughters, I mean. Not, like, Juliette's breasts. Those threaten to pop out in every scene she's in. Let's kick it with a recap, shall we?
- Juliette and Rayna are kicking off their tour in San Diego, which sounds like the perfect place to launch a mega country music tour. The tour's called Red Lips and White Lies. We should get that on a tshirt! New FYA tshirt idea!!
-Rayna is having problems with her new guitarist, because he isn't Deacon. To be fair, he's not Deacon because he's a TOTAL JERKFACE. Apparently Rayna is making impossible demands, but her demands . . . seem pretty reasonable? They consist of learning the chords and not playing too fast or too loud so that she can hear herself sing over the monitors. That seems pretty logical to me; I dunno. Anyway, her guitarist quits, which means she has no one to work with! Until Liam O'Donaghue McGuinness of the Irish McGuinnesses acts like it's a motherfucking mitzvah for him to play guitar for a couple of damn nights so that she can, you know, perform. You know, Liam, I've never hated any Irish person of my general acquaintance, but you are making me regret my own familial heritage. He's even a bit of a dick to Rayna when she buys him a SUPER SWEET pair of cowboy boots, cutely welcoming him to country music, as a thank you. UGH LIAM I HATE YOU SO MUCH. Look, you know what? I just have no tolerance for people like that. People who surround themselves in a culture and then eschew loudly everything related to that culture. It's like people who live in Texas and badmouth it constantly (there are a few out there; we keep them on special watch lists.) - it's fine if you're under 18, and where you live isn't your choice, but if you're an adult? Nut up and change your situation, you know? You wanna work in Nashville because it's the Music Capitol of the World? Fine, but don't turn your nose up at the genre of music that built it. And definitely don't turn your nose up at the back catalogue of a lady who's going to make you fucking famous, you tiny little fucking leprechaun of doom. UGH. I HATE HIM, Y'ALL. I HATE.
-On the tour, Rayna gets adorbs video calls from her girls, which Teddy breaks up, because he's all butthurt that she's missing Election Day, which is two days away. I hate Teddy again, because he interrupted a scene with the girls. TEDDY! We were so close to an understanding last week! Why you gotta break up adorable video chats?! Though, Teddy's butthurt could also be because Daddy Lamar and Evil Sister are urging him to BUY VOTES IN THE ELECTION. Ugh. Teddy, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DROP OUT? Because you have enough! You have ADORABLE daughters who want you to wear cute blue ties and talk about their day with you over cookies and milk! And they say that they're proud of you! That never happens with kids!
Glory, glory, HALLELUJAH!
- GUNNAR HAS SHAVED OFF HIS SOUL PATCH. I REPEAT: GUNNAR HAS SHAVED OFF HIS SOUL PATCH. I am proud and happy to report that his chin underneath said soul patch is perfectly fine and normal, and not all weirdly white like it hasn't seen the sun, like teeth are when you take braces off. I'm so happy for you, Gunnar! And actor who plays Gunnar! Cause now you can probably get laid again! I mean, by ladies who aren't named Destineee. Gunnar is going to drive to Austin to visit his family (Shaved off his soul patch, AND he's coming to Austin? Okay, Nashville's just giving us big shoutouts now, right? Hit up the Drafthouse while you're in town, Gunnar!) and Scarlett kinda sorta asks/demands to come along. I mean, she's cute about it, but damn. Stella has gotten her groove back and then borrowed some more groove from other people in the near vicinity, you know?
- Sean is refusing to sign the divorce papers, which isn't good, because the press haven't actually figured out that Sean and Juliette are really married. They think Juliette just ran out on her wedding (which she did), not that she ran out on her big church wedding that has no legal bearing because she and Sean are already hitched. I kind of feel like this isn't the kind of secret the junior file clerk at the Nashville courthouse would be keeping for so long, but maybe she or he is just not that into country music. Or football. In Nashville. Glenn urges Juliette to reach out to Sean and talk to him, but she's sure he doesn't want to hear from her. But when Juliette is interviewed later by someone at CMT(!), she reaches out to Sean with some language about learning from one's mistakes before making bigger ones, etc etc. But Sean has other plans! Anullment plans! Surprisingly to me, this really upsets Juliette, who feels that the marriage was valid, and can't just be swept away. Huh. Juliette, you surprise me! She takes her jet and flies out to whatever road game Sean is at to tell him to sign the divorce papers. Sean replies that Juliette broke his heart, his sister's heart (Dana!) and that he "only planned on getting married once," so he plans on getting the marriage annulled. Man, wouldn't it be awesome if these two stayed married and Learned To Love Again?
- Avery's still having sex with Marilyn the Cougar, and she doesn't like the contract that Dominic has written up for Avery. Low royalty rates, no record sales, and various other shenanigans. She says that Avery is young and inexperienced and is getting played by Dominic, and Avery is at least smart enough to know that he's getting played just as much by the Coug. Also, this all goes down while they're naked and post-coital. I need to scrub my eyes with baking soda and vinegar. Not bleach - that's way too harsh and permanent. But something foamy and gently abrasive needs to be applied to my eyeballs, stat. Avery goes over to Dominic and stupidly asks him if Dominic is trying to screw him over with the deal. Oh, Avery. You are too stupid to live.
- Gunnar and Scarlett are in Austin (that was a quick drive!), which Nashville points out is peopled by a Capitol building, some flags, the Driskoll hotel, and Darrell K Royal Stadium. It was nice of them to go all of six blocks in their filming radius so as to really give you the full width and bredth of the city. Deacon happens to be in Austin with The Ugly Band, and is staying in the Hilton downtown. It has a nice lobby with clean restrooms. These elements are important during SxSW. Deacon's getting Scarlett into the show and has a pass for Gunnar as well, but Gunnar claims he has to go visit his brother. Gunnar is acting very shifty. Maybe his hormonal soul patch was removed too soon. But no! It turns out Gunnar is going to pick up his brother from the lock up! Well, that was really nice of him! Most people just take the bus or something. I wonder if this is the same jail that Riggins was in! OH MY GOD MAYBE THEY KNEW EACH OTHER AND TOUCHED SOMETIMES. Gunnar's brother, Jason, is kind of a total jerk, but at least his facial hair is fully grown in. And they sing an awesome version of Lonesome Fugitive by Merle Haggard! Okay, Jason, you can stay! Except, not really! Because Jason just pawned Gunnar's guitar to buy a gun! And the whole sad story comes out - Jason held up a store clerk with a gun and Gunnar, who was 16, drove away. So Jason got arrested and Gunnar is in Nashville, shaving off his hormonal soul patches. Even though Jason leaves to commit some ill-advised gun crimes, the boys hug it out. And Gunnar comes clean to Scarlett about his brother and why he had to be in Austin.
- Down in the Republic of Texas, Deacon takes Scarlett around the Frank Erwin Center for a tour, and runs into the lead Ugly of the Ugly People Band. Scarlett's totally starstruck and can't string two words together. And because Lead Ugly is a gross douche, he totally hits on Scarlett to piss Deacon off. Then he distracts Deacon with a "wheelchair kid" and shows Scarlett some weird-ass photos of, like, satyrs and nymphs and shit. I mean, they honestly look like something you might buy at Spencer's Gifts. When those delightful art pieces don't work to get her panties the appropriate level of damp, he moves to full on accosting her, something Deacon breaks in on just in time. And then he breaks Lead Ugly's ugly face! Deacon quits the band, yay!!!
-During rehearsals, Juliette refuses to include "Love Like Mine" (a song she sang/wrote for Sean) in her set. Poor thing; her heart is broken. Juliette is running over her practice, so Liam takes it on himself to act completely unprofessional so that Juliette will storm off. I mean, Juliette shouldn't let herself be baited, but he's also 30-something and shouldn't be baiting children. Later, Liam tells Rayna that the reason he's not that keen on the boots is that he's not Deacon, and she has to learn to live, er, tour without him. And then later than THAT, Liam and Juliette run into each other and stop to fight, which we all know means that they'll be in bed together in three . . two . .
- Finally, it's the night of the tour! Rayna and Liam do one of her new songs (Buried Under), and her hair looks so good and her shirt is so sparkly that I'm going to forgive those white pants she's wearing. Juliette, meanwhile, keeps looking at her wedding ring and sighing. But when she sings, in her tiny little red skirt, she decides to dedicate Love Like Mine to Sean. Juliette decides not to contest the annullment, not that it helps Sean like her any more.
-Rayna decides to go back to Nashville for Election Day. She wears a stunning red dress for Teddy's party . . . his VICTORY party. Coleman makes a wonderful concession speech and mentions how much he loves his wife, which of course just makes Teddy feel worse. And I sure hope Daddy Lamar didn't buy any votes. . . Even better, Peeegghhhyy shows up at Teddy's hotel room, and he doesn't even do it with her. Ugh, Teddy. You're too upstanding.
Juliette vs Rayna:
Erin: This is kind of hard! On the one hand, Rayna had some FABULOUS lines in this episode! She was so sassy, and I absolutely loved her and her manager Buck just watching Liam and Juliette's fight with a sort of wide-eyed nonchalance. On the other hand, Juliette GREW and LEARNED this episode, and that hardly ever happens. On the other other hand, Rayna's girls were in this episode three whole times! And she made those kids (at least within the realm of this fictional show)! And those kids are my favorite! So I guess Rayna has to win!
Posh: Rayna! She kicked off her tour and got Liam McIrish O'Donaghue McGuinness to replace Deacon! And she bought him cowboy boots, which is the Greatest Gift anyone can ever give. Sure, her marriage is still on the rocks, but at least she didn't have to face the guy she jilted at the altar after marrying him just to have sex and give her life meaning. At the same time, I feel like Juliette, in her own way, did the right thing by not (publicly) marrying Sean, and she's just trying to get past it as quickly as possible. Sorry, Juliette, but maybe you'll win the next episode! When you finally have angry sex with Liam! Which means you will not win at all! So... yeah.
Erin: As much as Jason is BAD NEWS BEARS, I really loved seeing him and Gunnar singing together. I not-so-secretly love country music, y'all, but I'm more a fan of the olde-tymey stuff than the music you'd hear on the radio today (except for that Miranda Lambert. She's got spunk.). So when Nashville does any sort of cover of classic country music, I'm a total sucker.
Posh: Every scene Maddie & Daphne were in because THEY WERE IN SO MANY SCENES. AND IT MADE ME SO HAPPY. A close second would be when Deacon, talking about
Marcus Bozeman Cy, says "Some guys just don't know how to be humble about their talent. And when it starts treatin' 'em like a god, pretty soon they think you're only just there to serve 'em." CUT TO AVERY. Excellent burn, Nashville.
Lead Ugly contemplates his art collection.
Erin: I have to give it for Avery and Lead Ugly, because even though it was dumb and predictable, it gave me those delightful pieces of "art" to look at. I think I rewound my DVR thrice just to take them in in fuller detail. AMAZING. (Plus, it means Deacon gets to come back where he belongs!)
Posh: Gunnar has a brother! And he's been in prison for armed robbery! Which makes Scarlett realize that even though she has spent a zillion hours with this guy, she's never thought to ask him ABOUT HIS LIFE. AT ALL. Meanwhile, the rest of us have been dying to know what's behind Gunnar's soul patch. (Seriously, dude, THANK YOU FOR SHAVING.) And I love the fact that his brother is 1. totally hot 2. an excellent singer. Is there a rivalry in their future?!
- Avery, why are you SO DUMB? I mean, I assume you managed to make it through, like, grade school and stuff and passed your TAKS test or whatever the Tennessee equivalent was? You are potty trained? So why don't you, like, Google "TLC Behind The Music" and figure out what a bad deal will give you??
- How the actual hell did Teddy manage to beat Coleman on his own merits? WHO WOULD VOTE FOR TEDDY OVER COLEMAN?
- Did Nashville really show a shot of an oil pump and pretend it was Austin? REALLY? I'm surprised they didn't use any footage of kids riding horses to school.
- So, wait, they've been the REVEL Kings this entire time?! And why has every character insisted on pronouncing it REBEL Kings?
- Why in the HELL did Teddy not ask his beautiful daughters to sing a song at his election party? HELLO? THEY ARE THE LIGHT OF HIS (OUR) LIVES.
- I just looked up Sean Butler on IMDB and his real name is Tilky Jones.
- Ew, Rayna's not going to spoil herself by having sex with Liam McIrish O'Donaghue McGuinness before he has sex with Juliette, is she? Because sharing Deacon is BAD ENOUGH. Liam's not nearly attractive enough to fight over.
- What IS Daddy Lamar's main deal? Like, he is SUPER obsessed with Teddy and Rayna. Doesn't he have a job?
- How soon will it take Deacon to get back on tour with Rayna where he belongs?
- Will Rayna ever sing another song that she wrote with Liam? Because honestly, I kind of hate "Buried Under."
- So Daddy Lamar didn't buy the election? Or did he?! OR DID TEDDY?
- Since everyone kept stressing the fact that the race was SUPER CLOSE, and then the TV stations called it with 85% of the precincts reporting, does this mean there's a chance that Teddy LOST the election?!
- Is it just me, or is there something pervy going on between Daddy Lamar and Evil Sister?
- I just want to reiterate the question I posed last week, which was "Liam McIrish O'Donaghue McGuinness and Juliette hate each other too much not to hook up on tour. AM I WRONG?" Mostly because I want to be able to say TOLDJA when it finally happens.
So, what did y'all think? Slip on your cowboy boots and let's convo in the comments!