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What Would Buffy Do?: Not So Valentines

'Cause even a Slayer isn't immune to dating duds.

What Would Buffy Do?: Not So Valentines

Since we've already analyzed Buffy's main suitors, today's installment of WWBD will look at The Ones That Weren't. While she may have dated some hotties, our flaxen-haired patron saint of ass-kicking still made the occasional misstep in love. So let's see how a Slayer traverses the perils of the dating world . . .

Never Kill a Boy On the First Date (Episode 1x5)

DON'T pursue guys that are obvs just flimsy placeholders for the one you can't have.

This is Willow describing Owen:

He hardly talks to anyone. He's solitary, mysterious . . . He can brood for forty minutes straight, I've clocked him.

Sound familiar?

DO follow through on feigned mutual interests.

Owen's super into Emily Dickinson poetry. Upon realizing this, Buffy jumps all over that so she can jump all over him. But of course, she doesn't know the first thing about Emily Dickinson. She takes the preemptive measure of checking out study material from Sunnydale Library: Hellmouth Branch.

Though I doubt she ever did her homework. But whatevs! It's the thought that counts, right? And I mean, all she really needed to do was steer the convo towards the non-penile ED and Owen would handle all the talking.

(Although -- Buffy? For a girl who mostly dates dead guys, this kid is even too morbid for you. All he ever talks about is Emily Dickinson and he WANTS to sneak into a funeral home!? I'm surprised he doesn't have guyliner raccoon eyes.)

Reptile Boy (Episode 2x5)

DON'T be charmed* by his rambly spiel.

Cordelia's turned her attentions towards a frat guy, former Halliwell* neighbour/paramour Dan, whose friend Tom takes an interest in Buffy. His excessive chatter doesn't scare her away**, but she still turns down Tom's invitation to his frat party.

* Unintentional, but a happy coincidence.

** And neither does the fact that HOLY STATUTORY he's a senior in COLLEGE and she's not even a senior in HIGH SCHOOL -- which he even points out and SHE'S OK WITH THAT?! Age difference may mean nothing for one who dates vamps, but when dating mere mortals? Look at your life! Look at your choices!

DON'T pursue guys that are obvs just flimsy placeholders for the one you can't have (Part 2).

Buffy ends up changing her mind about the party (and Tom), 'cause her non-relationship with Angel is giving her a serious case of lady blue balls. (Oh, just you wait. They'll be turning azure, cerulean, periwinkle -- every possible shade between ROY G and IV.)

(And because this doesn't really fit elsewhere: DOUBLE FIST PUMP for Willow, who most awesomely calls out both Giles (for overworking Buffy) and the pointy-haired one (for keeping his shirt on not acting on his feelings for Buffy).)

DO trust your gut instincts.

Just before she goes to the party*, Buffy has a moment of hesitation. Hey, B? TRUST YO'SELF BEFORE YOU WRECK YO'SELF, 'cause Tom turns out to be 1) the ringleader of the frat's ritualistic cult that 2) roofies her and Cordy in order to 3) offer human sacrifices for the snake demon that they worship.

* Where everyone is dressed impeccably in like suit jackets and shizz. Well, '90s impeccably anyway.

Go Fish (Episode 2x20)

DO stand up for the little guy. Good date activity.

It's a celebratory bonfire* for the swim team, and Buffy's off by her introspective lonesome when swimmer Cameron approaches her. He waxes poetic about the ocean and some shizz, when their banter is interrupted by the bullied cries of Jonathan the Game Change-r and Gamemaker. Buffy and Cameron intervene while dispensing witticisms, which leads to further hanging out.

* I'd be remissed if I didn't mention Wentworth Miller in a turtleneck. You can't break out of prison with your tats covered up, Michael Scofield!

DO shut it down when his dickish personality emerges.

Unfortch, Cameron turns out to be an entitled grabby-handed assface who says "I'm not about pressure" just before trying to cop a feel. Now I don't condone violence, but Buffy smashing his head against a steering wheel? DESERVED. Esp. since both he and his dickwad coach attribute his behaviour to being led on by her allegedly slutty clothes.

OK why is everyone on her junk!? This shirt shows neither side- nor underboob.

DO use this ep as an excuse to use a slo-mo pan of Xander in a speedo.

Oh wait. That's what I'D do.

Apparently, props to Bryce are in order.

Faith, Hope & Trick (Episode 3x3)
Beauty and the Beasts (Episode 3x4)
Homecoming (Episode 3x5)

DON'T pursue guys that are obvs just flimsy placeholders for the one you can't have (Part 3: Remix That Shizz).

Buffy's still recovering from the killing-her-boyfriend fiasco of yesterseason, when the persistent Scott appears on her radar. Despite getting off to a rocky start, they begin to date. Scott's a sweet enough guy, if a bit milquetoast -- but at least he has no demonic inklings! And that's when Angel re-enters the picture, back from a century in hell. Buffy becomes more preoccupied than usual, which leads to Scott dumping her.

(It's kind of lazy unfair that I'm re-using this Buffy edict again, since she wasn't aware that Angel was back for most of her relationship with Scott. But I drive this ship. So.)

(OH FINE.)

DON'T let the relationship fall to the wayside.

OK, so Scott was never going to be The One. But he could have at least been The Right Now. But between school, Slayer duties, and Angel caretaking, Scott just didn't register very high on Buffy's list of priorities. Then again, the fact that he didn't even warrant the effort to be made a priority is also an indication that they never would have lasted.

Living Conditions (Episode 4x2)
The Harsh Light of Day (Episode 4x3)
Fear, Itself (Episode 4x4)
Beer Bad (Episode 4x5)

DO trust your gut instincts . . . again.

Buffy meets Parker while trying to avoid her crazy demon roomie Kathy. After he bestows upon her some dining hall wisdom, they begin hanging out on a regular basis. Although she was only masking her own optimism by saying that Parker was "nothing big, [...] just random adorableness", Buffy should have stuck with this assessment.

Like demon cultist Tom, Parker is a history major douchecanoe (so one of the writers must REALLY hate history). But in Parker's case, he's just a human-variety poophead (™ Willow). Under the guise of Mr. Sweet and Sensitive, Parker sleeps with Buffy and then moves onto the next girl.

(Nothing against one-night stands, but it should at least be mutually agreed upon decision beforehand. Maybe not in such sexually charged language as I've used, though.)

While douchebaggery may not be Slayable, at least it can be smacked around by beer-induced cavemen, beer-induced caveBuffy (twice!), and anger-induced Riley.

Season 7, in particular:
First Date (Episode 7x14)
Lies My Parents Told Me (Episode 7x17)

DO prevent your date from killing your exes.

Principal Robin Wood is charming, smart, and has D.B. Woodside's face. But he's also Buffy's boss anddddd she sorta suspects him of being under the influence of the first. She agrees to go out with him anyway, for investigative purposes of his past (and his pants).

Their first date is interrupted by Spike spearheading a Xander rescue mission. And of course, Buffy's still on confused-feelings terms with everyone's favourite Blondie Bear, who happens to be the very reason that Robin was orphaned.

Robin's animosity eventually manifests into him ambushing Spike for vengeance. If that didn't extinguish all hope of a relationship, then it was certainly when Buffy gave Spike the go-ahead to kill Robin should there be a next time. I mean, Buffy will still date you after she's tried to kill you -- that's pretty much a requisite, and sometimes she even succeeds -- but not if you try to kill one of her exes.

BONUS! What Would Angel David Boreanaz Do?

If you're in the mood for a thematic Valentine's movie, how about Valentine? No, not that Gary Marshall joint with a million celebrities that surprisingly doesn't include Katherine Heigl. I'm talking about the 2001 slasher movie that does include Katherine Heigl. In his only mainstream starring role*, David Boreanaz plays a former outcast who grew up hot ('cause DUH that qualifier applies to any character he plays), so naturally he exacts some murder-y revenge against some Mean Girls, including the Heigl. Spoiler alert.

* Why must you deny me us Angel's face on a 50 foot screen, Hollywood?!

So once again, this section does not yield fruitful advice AT ALL -- only gratuitous photos of David Boreanaz. Unfortch, the Valentine stills are boring (i.e. fully clothed) and besides, I've already met my shirtlessness quota for this post. So here. ARMS.

 

And there you have it! May your romantic dalliances be more successful than these (which I really hope they are, 'cause the bar is set seriously low here).

Mandy Wan's photo About the Author: Residing in Edmonton, AB, Mandy unabashedly loves YA lit, frozen desserts, and terrible puns.