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Picture Pages: Étienne St Clair

An analysis of a Google Image Search of Étienne St Clair from Anna and the French Kiss. Which quickly devolves into rants about a certain teen idol du jour.

Picture Pages: Étienne St Clair

Happy Wednesday, y'all! This week's excuse for my Google Image Search binge is the return of Picture Pages, FYA's series entirely dedicated to Google Image Search!

The subject of today's swoon? None other than the American-born, British-raised, French-speaking Étienne St. Clair from Stephanie Perkins' Anna and the French Kiss!

(BTW, what's the author equivalent of TEABS? Like when a writer's in between books, and you're all "GIMME ISLA AND THE HAPPILY EVER AFTER NOW"? Er. Hypothetically speaking, bien sûr.)

Per yoohz, my scientific assessments have been made with no clicking or zooming -- which, as you'll soon see, actually protects my ideal of St. Clair.

And now. . . onward science!

1.  This is fake, right? It's a indication of how bad the real thing is that I even need to ask this. At least the original cover doesn't bellow KISSYFACE BOOK like this does. Wait, is this a fan-made all-ladies version of the cover? Is that even French flora?

2.  So this guy has brown hair and presumably the prettiest person in any room he's ever in. He doesn't really look like St. Clair, but look at the other photos in this row. GRADING ON A LOW CURVE HERE.

3.  Who dat ninja? Actually, don't care, 'cause that face melts no panties. Though it's a testament to the disdain I have towards Google's most popular suggestion that this guy started to look good by comparison.

4.  OK, y'all. Lemme just preface this by saying that I harbour no ill will towards One Direction. Despite the dumb insipid lyrics, I actually find their music rather catchy and enjoyable (yay backhanded compliment!). BUT. Ugh, teenage girls, how you have failed me! THIS one!? With his half-parted pouty lips and elaborately tousled hair? You couldn't even pick one of cute 1Ders?!

5.  Oh Google, BLESS YOU for gifting me with more Tom Sturridge to cleanse my short-term memory. He's not really who I pictured, but he's A) Tom Sturridge, B) not in a boy band, and C) staring into my soul with his piercing eyes.

6.  This guy looks like a Nicholas Braun-Logan Lerman hybrid, and that's never not a good thing. He's cute and smiley, which goes with the St. Clair demeanour and cancels out the ubiquitous side swept boy hair of the '00s.

7.  Rando model again? Well, he's not clean shaven, and he's also got that Sturridge thing of sharp chiseled jawline that I didn't really picture for St. Clair. But SLIM PICKINGS, Y'ALL.

8.  More Tom Sturridge! Oui, s'il vous plait!

9.  The dude reminds me of Peeta Squarehead. And that DEF. won't earn you a check, thumbnail! Howevs, Emma Roberts gets a pass, 'cause she was Posh's casting choice.

10. AGAIN!? Quoi le shizz is this?! Would it help if I searched with the accent acute?* And does this kid buy scarves in bulk?

* No it does NOT. In fact, it bumps up the annoying teenage son from V**, which OMG INTERNET, STOP RUINING IT.

** Not to be mistaken with any of the other annoying Elizabeth Mitchell TV spawn. Juliet, Sawyer would NEVER have given you such dumb kids.

11. OMF WHAT DID I JUST SAY!? The only acceptable British Harrys are Potter and Of Wales, OBVS. And OF COURSE they're releasing a 3D movie. If we bring our own hair gel, it'll be like WE'RE ACTUALLY THERE!

12.  Is that Marian Cotillard as a sexy spy scaling the Eiffel Tower? And in HEELS? This saves itself from the red X by being an AMAZING espionage premise. I demand royalties, Hollywood!

13.  It's Stephanie Perkins! A check mark alone does not suffice for the lady who created both St. Clair AND Boy Genius of My Dreams, Cricket Bell!

14.  Meh, attractive enough. The bar has already been lowered so many times, so sure.

15.  No Kurt Hummel knock-offs, KTHX.

16.  Sorry, dude. You may not be face unfortunate, but I have no generosity to spare for repetition.

17.  So I'm starting to think that I just associate all teen-ish guys with short, dark shaggy hair with Logan Lerman. It's not like he has a monopoly on the look, but he just does it so well! Oh yeah, back to the actual photo. I'm still not sold on the hair, but at least that can be fixed.

18.  What a pretty hipster photo op! And you know it's artistic because of the washed out tones. But is that quote even from the book?

19.  I don't . . . why? Were flowers ever even mentioned? AND THE TOUPEE HAIR wha? Though to really commit to the ambience, the flowers should be wilting.

20.  So it's like that, internet? FINE. If you insist on casting British non-actor teens, then I suggest Tom Daley aka the object of my unhealthy Olympics obsession. 'Cause who would you rather have dancing up on you?



21.  A resounding OUI! Aaron Johnson at the height of his power is EXACTLY who I pictured! (Plus, I somehow got it in my head that St. Clair has curly hair, even though that's not true at all.)

Despite a last-minute attempt to salvage this mess, the internet and I are NO LONGER ON SPEAKING TERMS. It's gonna take a lot of shirtless Skarsgard to make it up to me, and I plan to collect toute de suite!

How about it, fellow scientists? Agree or disagree? Have I incurred the wrath of teenage girls for naught?

Mandy Wan's photo About the Author: Residing in Edmonton, AB, Mandy unabashedly loves YA lit, frozen desserts, and terrible puns.