Y’ALL. I’m so glad to be back in America where our soaps are full of gorgeous ladies with beautiful hair singing sad country songs about their dogs, or whatever, instead of in England where the soaps are full of ugly poor people who lust after the greengrocer around the corner. So even though this episode wasn’t exactly chock full of the DRAMZ, that was okay, because we learned that Rayna’s hair shines even under those terrible fluorescent lights at the hospital.
• That’s right! After Daddy Lamar’s heart attack last week, Rayna rushes back to his side. She stops to tell Juliette that she can’t perform that night, which Juliette is actually pretty nice about, considering. I don’t understand how many concerts they are having in New York City, I guess. Is New York City chock full of country music fans? That seems weird. Maybe it’s like Garth Brooks and Ireland. People in Ireland go nuts over Garth Brooks; it’s weird, man. Of course, at least two people in Ireland were directly responsible for procreating and birthing Jedward, so Ireland has some issues that maybe they need to sort out.
• ANYWAY. Rayna and Tandy go home to Nashville to be by Daddy Lamar’s side. Lamar wakes up and asks for Tandy, which cuts Rayna deep, although I guess I don’t really understand why, since she HATES her dad. The doctors advise Daddy Lamar to rest, but he wants to leave the hospital and go back to managing his empire/screwing over Teddy, and he hilariously-but-also-embarrassingly tries to make a break for it, still tied up to his IV bags and stuff. I tried to do that in the hospital last year and the nurses put an alarm on my bed that would go off loudly every time it sense a change in pressure, because I really wanted to get up to go to the bathroom and they really didn’t want to let me. This made me feel like a child and also someone who desperately needed to lose a lot of weight so that the bed alarms wouldn’t register when I tried to sit up, so I understand how Daddy Lamar feels. Daddy Lamar sees Watty, there to give Rayna his sympathies, and FREAKS THE EFF OUT. Because! Watty! Used to sleep! With Rayna’s mom!
• It turns out that Watty and Rayna’s mom were having an affair and that, when Rayna’s mom died in the car crash, her bags were packed to leave Daddy Lamar. We also find out that Rayna was 12 when her mom died, which I feel is pretty shocking, because I always assumed that she was, like, three or something. Because she’s always asking Tandy what their mom was like! Damn, Rayna, you were twelve! I think you probably knew! Anyway, now it all sort of becomes clear to Rayna – why her dad hated country music so much, why he got angry when she signed a deal with Watty, etc. She tearfully tells him that she wishes their relationship were better and I think they sort of make up a little, and it’s pretty nice, NGL.
• MEANWHILE, Tandy has sort of taken over Daddy Lamar’s affairs and finds out that Peeeeggghhy (or should we start calling her Mrs. Accidentally Racist?) has been calling Lamar. Tandy investigates and finds out about Peegghhhy leaking the details of Teddy’s divorce and totally goes to Teddy and tells him! I love Tandy. She’s kind of bad ass.
• In the land of Scarlett and Gunnar – Gunnar’s growing some sort of mustache/soul patch combo right now. It hasn’t reached critical mass yet, but it definitely bears watching. I’d say it’s not yet at Threat Level: Midnight . . . more like Threat Level: End of Happy Hour. Let’s watch it and make sure it does not progress further. Anyway, Gunnar wants to celebrate Scarlett’s recording contract with a day of mimosas, sex, and more mimosas. Gunnar, you can come be my boyfriend, because that sounds amazing. Scarlett wants to write music, because Scarlett is weird, but Gunnar is still all broken up about Jason, and can’t create. Scarlett suggests that they invite Will out. BAD IDEA, Scarlett. That Will is not good people. I can tell these things! At the bar, Will boasts that he can pick up any girl there, ugh, and chooses to show that by inviting Scarlett on stage to sing a duet with him. SCARLETT, BUY A CLUE. They sing “You ain’t Dolly and You ain’t Porter,” which is a song I really do enjoy – mostly cause it sounds like something Johnny and June would sing. Gunnar is a little jealous of this frivolity, but after he pours a drunk Scarlett into bed at EIGHT THIRTY IN THE EVENING, he goes out with Will and Will takes him to the train tracks so they can play chicken. Gunnar loves it, but he didn’t even get to see “The Yearbook” first! Anyway, now that Gunnar has some Talented Mr Ripley shizz to look forward to, he can write again. I just realized that Scarlett and Gunnar get paid to faff around all day and then drink sodas from their company’s fridge. Fuck me, I need to move to Nashville.
• Back on the tour, Juliette is still sleeping with Dante, which is a terribad idea for so, so many reasons, not least that it unleashes Dante’s power-hungry addict side. Poor Jolene would like to do some therapy work with her sober companion, but Dante pretty much totally blows her off in favor of playing tickle with Juliette. Because Juliette is, at heart, a terrible person, she has no concern about the fact that Jolene is going to backslide like crazy from all of this and because Jolene is, at heart, a messed-up addict who envies her child’s success, she totally tries to make out with Dante. It’s all pretty terrible and there’s this big fight and Juliette tells her mom to go back to Nashville and get a new sober companion, because Dante is HERS NOW.
• Which means we’re actually going to have to see more of Dante, which is terrible, because DANTE EVEN MAKES AVERY LOOK GOOD. Yes. It is true. As part of Avery’s Character Humiliation Tour ’13, he’s joined Rayna and Juliette’s tour as a roadie and happens across Dante and Juliette doing it while he’s off looking for Juliette’s monitor earphones. (Of which apparently she only has ONE PAIR EVER, given how serious everyone seems to take their absence.) So Dante FIRES him. YES. And boy, does that piss Deacon off, because no one is allowed to treat Avery like that, even though Avery treated Deacon’s own niece much worse. When Deacon lays into Dante, Dante comes back with a bunch of stuff that Juliette said DURING THERAPY, so Dante actually is the very worst person in the whole world, ever. I hope he dies in a fire.
• All of this drama makes Deacon realize that Rayna is his family, so he flies back to Nashville to be there for her. I actually . . . kind of love their relationship right now? Like, obvs I want them to be doing hot kissy action, but I sort of love that they’re both SO in love with each other and they both know it and they know they’ll end up together again but they don’t know how to start.
Rayna vs Juliette:
Oh, please. Juliette: slept with her mom’s sober companion, had her secret therapy discussions revealed to a guy she used to sleep with, pitched a damn fit about the concert, was mean to her band AGAIN and can’t even manage to keep track of her own fucking equipment. In contrast, Rayna bonded with her dad AND with Deacon and she looked fabulous, even hanging out overnight at the hospital. No contest.
Well, I’d like to nominate the Deacon vs Dante smackdown, but since it did not actually involve a smack down or, preferably, Deacon shoving Dante into a wood chipper, it just won’t do. I guess I’ll select Scarlett’s drunken singing at the bar, because as well established, I am a sucker for Drunk!Singing!Scarlett.
Is Dante’s power grab considered the sub-plot? I wonder how long it’s going to take Juliette to notice that her new boyfriend is a TOTAL ASS-BERET. Hopefully it’ll happen soon.
• WTF, Dante, really? REALLY? You’re gonna sleep with your client’s daughter and then BLOW OFF your client? REALLY?
• WTF, Juliette, have you not learned anything at all in the last 17 episodes? Why are you constantly regressing, girl? Is your vagina that needy for inappropriate penis? Because I’m pretty sure Justin Bieber is single again, if you just want to date someone terrible. STOP FUCKING YOUR MOTHER’S THERAPIST.
• WTF, Rayna, why have you led me to believe all this time that you were a baby when your mom died? Twelve years old is old enough to form memories!
• WTF, show, why in the hell are you trying to get me to like Avery?
• Do you think Will is about to Talented Mr Ripley Gunnar? And if so, do you think sailing will be involved?
• Are we supposed to wonder about Rayna or Tandy’s parentage now? Is Rayna some other man’s child, just like Maddie?
• Why can’t Maddie and Daphne sing some more? Also, aren’t you proud of me for remembering their fake names?
• Why is Deacon still dating that vet? Is it just cause he needs someone to walk Sue?
Also! A gift! Lovely Lennon and Maisy's cover of "Ho Hey" is now available on our Nashville Spotify playlist!! WORK IT LADIES.
Now! Let's convo! On a scale of 0 to Avery, HOW TERRIBLE IS DANTE?