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Just Do It Already

Erin reviews Losing It, a New Adult book with some serious blue ball action.

Just Do It Already

BOOK REPORT for Losing It by Cora Carmack

Cover Story: Oh, Jesus Please Us
BFF Charm: Nope
Swoonworthy Scale: Unquantifiable
Talky Talk: Just Alright
Bonus Factor: UT Austin
Anti-Bonus Factor: Mary Sue, MRS Degree, Husband Hunting
Relationship Status: Not Ready to Go All the Way

Cover Story: Oh, Jesus Please Us

WHAT is this?  NO.  Y'all, I had to read this book IN PUBLIC AT A RESTAURANT THAT USES CLOTH NAPKINS.  What the mother-effin' hell is this?  Has no one heard of even a little subtlety?  Fuck, at least 50 Shades of Grey had that stupid stock photo of an ugly tie on the cover!  This is just . . . I CAN NOT UNSEE THIS.

The Deal:

22 year old Bliss (yeah), a theatre major, is obsessed with virginity.  Her own, namely.  With some nagging from her friend Kelsey, she decides that the best way to lose her virginity (how I hate that phrase.  It's not like you are misplacing it!  Take some ownership in your sex life, people!) is with a one night stand, so she tarts herself up and heads over to the local campus bar.  Yeah, this is a STUNNING PLAN.  Nothing could ever, ever go wrong.

At the bar she meets Garrick, a British person created in the head of someone who doesn't actually know any British people, but likes what she sees on TV.  Garrick follows Bliss back to her place, and they're all fingers and limbs until Kelsey has a bit of a panic attack about the whole thing, lies about a cat that she doens't have, and flees her own apartment.

Awkward, but, you know, I've had worse sexual encounters.

UNFORTCH though, guess what?  Garrick's not just the new-in-town guy!  He's Bliss's new theatre teacher!  WHOOPS.

BFF Charm: Nope

Maybe I'm being too hard on poor Bliss, but she really did irritate the ever-lovin' shit out of me.  It's cool that she's a virgin - I have lots of friends who are virgins! - but her obsession with same is a little annoying.  Shit, girl, ain't you got anything else in your life to deal with?  ALSO she falls into the trap of feeling like her virginity defines her, which . . . nope!  Please, people of the world, heed this one simple truism: you are never defined by any one thing.  Never, ever; I promise you.  And if anyone tries to define you that way, punch them in the nose and stomp on their foot, because they are a jerk.

I suspect, though, that my main problem with Bliss is that she's 22.  Call it senioritis or young-adulthood or being on the cusp of attempting an adult life, but 22 year olds are fucking annoying, y'all.  All the drinking and the drama and the sleeping with their friends?  STOP DOING THAT, 22 year olds.  (And, yeah, that goes for 22 year old me, too!)

Swoonworthy Scale: Unquantifiable

This is a tough one, y'all.  On the one hand, this book is rife with sexual tension.  On the other hand, I hated both Bliss and Garrick and just wanted them to die in a fire.  On the other, other hand, there's an almost-sex scene like, every five pages, and they're definitely not chaste!  On the other, other, other hand, I find reading sex scenes to be HELLA AWKWARD.  Is anyone else with me on this?  Like, I love sex, but I don't usually want to READ about it, you know?  I want to be having it myself, not reading about other people having it!  Also, everyone always uses these unfortunate euphemisms for vagina, and also some terrible verb usage occurs, like the phrase "he plundered my mouth."  What is that?  What does plundering one's mouth entail? Are pirates and a ship involved?  It seems like a bad thing, to have one's mouth plundered.  Do your tonsils get burned down while each individual taste bud is raped?

ALSO, I never need to ever read the phrase "heat pooled between my legs" ever again for as long as I live.  First of all, your vagina is not a fucking hot tub, ladies.  And second, heat breeds bacterial growth so BASICALLY what you're saying is that you're cooking up a yeast infection every time you get turned on.  THINK ABOUT THAT.

Talky Talk: Just Alright

Cormack's voice was light and frothy, and while I had a genuine chuckle as I read this book, I never really warmed to it.  I feel like a lot of Bliss's decisions would have seemed more tolerable if the book itself didn't seem so young, you know?  Like, I wanted to read some genuine wisdom inside the pages, and I never felt that there was any wisdom to grasp.

Bonus Factor: UT Austin

So, check it: Bliss goes to college in Texas, in an unnamed town that ISN'T Houston or Dallas.  Um, OBVIOUSLY SHE GOES TO UT, which is really the only school you ever need concern yourself with, ever.  And since she's in the theatre department, I have chosen to believe that she knows Younger Posh, who worked at the UT Theatre and Dance college while she was in grad school.  (Younger Posh, please slap Bliss upside the head, would you?)

Anti-Bonus Factor: Mary Sue

Lord, Bliss was SUCH a Mary Sue.  She had two guys in love with her, and about four more ready to get busy with her, and she's a brilliant actress, and she manages to have an apartment without working at all (student loans and a scholarship, I believe) and she's universally adored by her friends and teachers and . . . blech.  The only thing saving her from true Mary Sue-dom is that she didn't have red hair and "sparkling emerald eyes."  All Mary Sues have "sparkling emerald eyes;" it's a form of contacts, or something.

Anti-Bonus Factor: MRS Degree

Please, please, someone reassure me that mothers today do not encourage their daughters to attend college so that they'll meet a husband, like Bliss's mom does?  PLEASE?

Anti-Bonus Factor: Husband Hunting

There are definitely a few moments in which Bliss freaks out about being a virgin, specifically because she hasn't met a man yet and NOW HOW WILL SHE EVER GET MARRIED?  Y'all.  Y'ALL.  I CAN NOT DEAL WITH THIS LINE OF THINKING.  I guess it's fine if you have an ambition to get married - I have an ambition to win the lottery, after all - but for god's sake, the girl is TWENTY TWO.  Look, even if you are fifty two and you are reading this and you've never had a relationship, THAT IS OKAY.  It can be a goal without being, like, A GOAL, you know?  Just some wisdom from your old aunt Erin.

Casting Call:

Mae Whitman When She's Pretending Not To Be Cool as Bliss

I've been watching a lot of Arrested Development lately.  It's as nose as the Ann on Plain's face!

Adam Campbell as Garrick

I also rewatched all of Harper's Island last weekend (its silliness and pretty sets helped purge the terrible feelings Hemlock Grove created), and I realized that Adam Campbell plays exactly the same English person that people seem to think all English men are like: erudite, a little posh, and calling people "love" all the time. 

Relationship Status:  Not Ready to go All the Way

Listen, book, I'm not going to lie to you.  Things have been a bit rough for me lately, in the book department.  I just can't seem to give my heart (or my BFF charm) away anymore, you know?  Maybe it's me; it's probably me.  But I just don't feel comfortable going all the way with you right now.  Or ever.  Really ever.   

Erin Callahan's photo About the Author: Erin is loud, foul-mouthed, an unrepentant lover of trashy movies and believes that champagne should be an every day drink. When she isn't drowning in a sea of engineers for whom Dilbert is still uproariously funny, she's writing about books, tv, the cult of VC Andrews and more.
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