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The Vampire Diaries 5x2: True Lies

Jeremy and Matt are the Best Friends Ever to Bonnie, Stef-las is the worst Original Immortal to everyone (especially Damon) and Katherine just might have the capacity to be a bit of both instead of The Worst (tm).

The Vampire Diaries 5x2: True Lies

You know, I’m just going to say it, and I know that y’all already know it: watching TVD is pretty damn exhausting.  The writing is so fast and tight and breathless, you can NOT do anything else while watching it.  You can’t, you know, pin stuff on Pinterest, scroll through Twitter or fold your laundry.  IT DEMANDS ALL OF US. 

But I digress.

This week’s episode opens up with Ghost Bonnie telling Jeremy what happened last week with Stef-las murdering her dad (oh, Bonnie-luv) and compelling the entire town into looking for Katherine.  What’s worse is that because her dad wasn’t supernatural she won’t get to see him when he passes over.  They’re not sure WHY Silas wants Katherine but I’m guessing it might be because she took The Cure and maybe her blood still carries it? Or, because he’s a massive tool, perhaps it’s just to get revenge?  Stay tuned!

Katherine, being The Worst (™) is limping down the road trying to flag down a car.  This is after she crashed Jeremy’s car and left him TO DIE.  A nice lady gets out, recognizes her a la Stef-las and tries to mace her.  Which makes me actually giggle.  But you know Katherine ain’t goin’ out like that as she proceeds to smash the lady’s cell phone AND beat her ass down.  I can’t help but respect her mad self-preservation skills and my eye twitches with annoyance.  STILL - Matt shows up with a gun so BOOM, HUMAN KATHERINE, you ain’t all that!

Poor Sunken Stefan is still having dreams as a coping mechanism for his underwater imprisonment, and this one is a happy memory of being at a lake with Elena.  Dream Elena tells him it can’t last forever and then proceeds to puke up water as we then see Sunken Stefan, who, I must say is looking RATHER well for being submerged for over three months.  Don’t vampires wrinkle?

Whitmore College is having a memorial for Megan which Caroline deems lame. I have to agree but you remember what it’s like when you’re 18.  SO MANY FEELS.  Speaking of Caroline, she is clearly still very pissed off at Tyler.  I am hoping that this will lead to some sexyfuntime with either Jesse, him of the gorgeous eyes and the frat party flyers OR perhaps a sojourn to New Orleans.  Somehow I don’t think she’s QUITE ready for Klaus.  Elena informs her that they are dropping a class together so that they can take Microbiology in order to get more info on the professor, who is also the doctor who signed off on Megan’s dodgy death certificate.

Damon tells Sheriff Forbes that he believes Stefan is submerged in the quarry and she totally plays the Government Shutdown card on him.  Well, not REALLY but she definitely is like, “Uh yeah I don’t have the resources to drain an entire reservoir. But I’ll try.”  Damon gets a call from Jeremy telling him they’ve found Katherine.

Damon:  “Please tell me you found Katherine.”
Jeremy: “I didn’t, but Matt did…”
Damon:  “How shockingly...useful.”

Oh Damon, you snarky snarkster, always making fun of the stalwart quarterback. 

Elena and Caroline show up for their new class and run into Jesse who CLEARLY has the hots for Caroline.  HIT IT, GIRL.  HIT. IT.  She later learns that Jesse had a long-distance girlfriend he loved dearly who cheated on and left him, so he gets why she wants to wait and fight for her love with Tyler.  Yeah. That makes you about ten times hotter so well played, sir. Well played. Even if it was genuine. 

Then Dr. Maxfield shows up and I have to press my pause button because HOLY tight sweater, Batman!

This guy is WAY hotter than any doctor/professor has a right to be.  He looks as if he gets his clothes professionally tailored. Tim Gunn would agree that he makes it WORK.  Therefore I have no choice to but to dub him...Professor TightSweater!  He’s also a bit of a bastard which only makes him MORE appealing (obvs) and tosses out Elena and Caroline for being freshmen in a 300 level class.  Nice try, ladies!

So it’s about time for Stef-las to show up on campus and REALLY get this party started.  He picks the best time - while Elena is on the phone with Damon.  Damon hears just enough to know he’s there but Stef-las doesn’t let Elena know he’s anyone other than Stefan. Elena is SUPER RELIEVED that he’s alive and doesn’t have to feel anymore guilt about the summer-long sex-a-thon she had with Damon. He manages to find out from her where Katherine is by telling her about Jeremy being expelled (insert Older Sister Flipping the Hell Out).  Katherine is with Jeremy but of course, Elena doesn’t know that. Stef-las gets a text from one of his mind-controlled minions that Katherine was seen on Rt. 9 and so he twists it into, “Hmm, is there anywhere in this area where Jeremy could have gone? I am very concerned for his well-being.” GAH.

Meanwhile Katherine, Jeremy and Matt are on what can only be described as the Worst Roadtrip/Camping Trip Ever with Katherine bitching about how she’s just leverage (again).  They stop for gas and try to keep her hidden but of course Katherine can’t ever just GO ALONG WITH ANYTHING and has to try to make her escape after using the bathroom. Gas Station Employee Dude recognizes her a la Stef-las and goes for the shotgun. Matt grabs it and they all pile back into the truck.  On to the campsite!  I doubt there will be s’mores.

Damon barges into the dorm room looking for Elena and Caroline is all, OMG I’M IN MY TOWEL and I love that Damon could care less.  I still think that Caroline hasn’t forgiven him for burning her the way he did in S1 and now he’s like, Yeah, your nearly-naked body does nothing for me.  BEEN THERE.  Any-hoo, Damon tells her about Stefan being in the quarry and she tells him about Elena’s dreams about Stefan.  This is some very Scooby Gang detective work and I love it.  It only works when they’re all together.  Do you hear me, College Plotline? ALL. TOGETHER.

Damon is slipping through the crowds looking for Stef-las so he can find Elena.  Stefan is trying to get into his head (not literally for once) by making him try and doubt Elena’s feelings for him.

Stef-las:  “I get it, I have a soft spot for brunettes too. What I don’t get is why she likes you.”
Damon:   “That’s because you haven’t had sex with me.”

*mic is dropped*

It’s bonfire time, y’all! I won’t make fun of it too much because we actually had a bonfire at the start of every year at my college too.  Elena sees Jesse manning the keg and tries to pump him for info on Professor TightSweater.  He tells her that there are rumors of a Secret Society that our sexy prof belongs to, and that they meet in Whitmore House a few times a week.  I AM INTRIGUED.  Prof TS finds Elena later and shares his feelings about the important work that her father did at Whitmore.  She calls him out on Megan’s dodgy death certificate and he’s all like, “Come up to my office and we can talk about it sometime.” OH CAN WE NOW.

Guess what? I was right about the “no s’mores” part of the camping trip! Katherine is mourning her centuries of dodging death only to be killed by a sinus infection.  My heart remains unmoved, at least until Jeremy brings her a blanket and puts it on her shoulders. 
In another part of the woods Stef-las finds Matt and tries to compel him but can’t! Methinks this has to do with the dark magick-y thing that the Czechs put on him.  Stef-las confirms that he can’t get into Matt’s head, that there is ALREADY SOMEONE IN THERE, WATCHING.  So he snaps Matt’s neck instead but we all know he has the ring on so *yawn*.  BUT WAIT - Matt is on the other side and sees Bonnie! He knows that she’s dead, she breaks down about her dad and how she’s not ready to be dead and OH MY HEART I feel like Matt’s shoulders hold the key to just about everything true and good in this world because he holds her and just lets her sob her wee heart out. 

Elena has found Damon and pounces on him…? Rather weird considering they have friends to find and save but then she gives him vervane and WHAT THE HELL, ELENA? Of course. She’s been compelled by Stef-las.  Even worse he’s told her to weaken and kill Damon (I WILL COME FOR YOU, STEF-LAS).  Damon snaps her out of her trance by spitting the vervane water she forcefeeds him in her face!  Anger is the trigger Stef-las has created and she starts ranting about Damon playing the White Knight with Katherine (I am totally with you there, girl!) and nearly stabs Damon but stabs herself in the leg instead.  SHIT.  She is going back and forth, struggling not to kill Damon but furious that she’s only just now finding out about Jeremy and Bonnie’s dad and CRAP SHE TURNS ON THE GAS AND IS HOLDING A MATCH. That didn’t go so well last time!  Damon manages to bring her back down by asking her about Stefan, asking about her dreams and her feelings she’s been having all summer.  Elena doesn’t know where he is but she knows that he’s scared and in pain and they have to save him.  The look on Damon’s face is utter misery and he promises that they will save his brother.  Collective lump in throat, amIright?

Back in the woods Jeremy and Katherine are trying to escape but Jeremy goes back for Matt.  Katherine scoffs at this and tells him that he needs to look out for himself. 

Jeremy:  “That’s why people treat you like an object and not a person.”


Jeremy goes back to Matt’s body and Stef-las is there.  He can’t get into Jeremy’s head because he’s a Hunter. Fighting ensues, Stef-las attempts to kill Jeremy, who’s grabbing him from behind, by stabbing him THROUGH himself.  DANG.  But then Katherine (KATHERINE) shows up with a shotgun and shoots Stef-las! Maybe humanity will work out for her afterall.  We shall see!

Bonnie and Matt are on the Other Side looking for his body and saying their goodbyes.  Matt tells her that she can’t keep her death a secret from the people that love her anymore.  Jeremy sees her and goes into the woods claiming to look for his hatchet.  Bonnie confesses that she’s not ready to die yet and Jeremy tells her he’ll always be there for her. I swoon a bit because the love that the characters have for each other on this show always overshadows everything else, all the crazy, the supernatural, the pain and the suffering they all ensue, they still get each other through by loving one another.

I might have something in my eye.

We last see Stef-las, now healed of his gunshot, in the gas station that the kids were fueling up at earlier.  He compels the poor bastard behind the counter to bleed himself so that he can eat but then WHAT’S THIS.  The handsome Czech shows up along with Nadje (I think that’s her name?).  Turns out they’re gypsies (or if you want to be politically correct, “travellers”) and they are there to kill Silas.  BUT ACTUALLY, Nadje stabs her man in the throat and he drops like a sack of potatoes and she’s all, “I have my own agenda” and now Stef-las has an Evil Companion and I AM LIKE SUPER WORRIED ABOUT MATT NOW, YOU GUYS. 

Elena and Damon are called out by Sheriff Forbes to the quarry and WHOA, they’ve got the safe that Stefan was submerged in!  But he’s not there, some poor unfortunate soul who’s definitely been fed on in the neck area IS and so we are left to wonder about Stefan? Did he cave and switch off his humanity so he could get out? Because then it’s Ripper Time!

Let’s dish!  What did you guys think? Are you shipping Caroline and Jesse or still waiting for Klaus to swoop back in? Or Tyler, even?  Are you signing up for a class with Professor TightSweater and arriving for a really good view-I MEAN-seat?  Is Stefan all Evil and Vein-y and likely to cause havoc and terror all over Mystic Falls??

Amanda Reid's photo About the Author: Amanda R. is an East Coast girl living in California who will never stop missing a true autumn. She's a bookseller who specializes in kid and teen lit, the leader of FYA Oakland, and bakes a damn fine pie.