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The Vampire Diaries 5x6: Handle With Care

In which Amanda discovers that age-old adage for soaps is true - if you don't see a dead body, there is no dead body. 

The Vampire Diaries 5x6: Handle With Care

What did I tell y’all? You never assume anyone is dead unless you SEE A BODY. And honestly, on this show, not even then most of the time!

This week’s episode was full of backstabbing and double backstabbing, cahoots, winks, nods and crafty grins.  Our main story has to do with the whole Tessa/Silas/doppelganger/cure/anchor debacle. Tessa (as Qetsiyah wants to be known now) is excited for Silas to die, Silas is excited for Silas to die and honestly, I’m really excited for Silas to die, mostly because he’s a complete wanker.  But I know it’s not going to happen because it’s way too early in the season for that sort of thing. Even Bonnie knows it’s not going to happen but lets her friends try to resurrect her regardless. Damon and Jeremy go with Silas to find the anchor while Tessa grins like the Cheshire Cat in her cabin, telling Stefan that she knows for a fact that Silas won’t be able to destroy the anchor, which is fine with her because she doesn’t want him to die until she’s good and ready, meaning that she wants him to be stuck on the Other Side and not reunited with Imara. But Silas is a step ahead and has cursed her cabin so she can’t leave until sundown.  That crafty bastard.

"I'm annoyed and perplexed.  So I shall crinkle my brow accordingly."

Can you see where this is going yet? No? Well, Tessa manages to lure Elena into her  cursed cabin by provoking her on the phone with the idea that she and Stefan were engaged in a tequila-fueled shag-fest the evening before.  Elena can’t bear to mind her own business and has DECIDED that Tessa is NEVER the kind of woman that Stefan would sleep with, hence storming into said cabin.  Check and mate, silly girl.  Now Tessa has Elena and so threatens to kill her if Damon doesn’t kill Silas immediately, ie, before he’s found the anchor.  Damon gets incredibly pissed (and makes the best faces) and tells Jeremy that they can’t resurrect Bonnie or Tessa will murder Elena. Damon also wins the entire episode by defeating the chanting gypsies that show up. And when I say defeat what I really mean is he pulls the heart out of one and takes his knife and stabs the other one with it.  BADASS.

Meanwhile Silas is hunting around for the anchor when all the pieces click into place for Damon.  The anchor is none other than Imara, which brings us to three characters that Nina Dobrev is now playing.  (But she’s got this, don’t even sweat it.)  When he cracks open the box she’s in he grabs a dead gypsy and starts to feed her his blood.  Guess what? If you thought Tessa was Mayor of CrazyTown then you won’t be surprised to know that Imara is Grand Empress of CrazyVille. Silas tries to calm her down but she stabs him and drinks his blood once he reveals that he has The Cure in his veins because she’s tired of living and wants to die.  What DOES happen is Damon realizes that she’s valuable (and also mad as a box of frogs) and so packs her up in the back of the car and takes her home to keep her safe from Tessa, and who-the-hell-ever-else wants her dead.

Back at Tessa’s Cabin o’ Crazy Stefan is being Mr. FlirtatiousCharmingPants, cooking for Tessa and feeding her from the spoon, but of course he’s really trying to distract her so that he can save Elena, which he does, and which is kind of awesome.  But you know you shouldn’t mess with crazy, and so Tessa decides to give him a little gift of his memories, particularly the painful ones, stressing how Damon and Elena left him to drown over and over again all summer long. Damn, she is one manipulative bitch. Yeah, I love her. What of it.

Weren’t you wondering what’s happening at Whitmore College? No? I don’t really blame you but would it help to say that Katherine is there? She’s gone separate ways from Nadia (seriously - where the hell is Nadia?) and is freaking out because a chunk of her hair has gone grey.  Oh, and later on one of her teeth falls out.  Side effect from being fed to Silas? You betcha.  She wants Professor SnugJumper to figure out what’s wrong with her and teams up with Caroline (LOVE), poses as Elena and infiltrates the mysterious secret society.  But not until they’ve bled the professor dry of his vervane-laced blood (in what is actually a very hilarious scene with them being like, No big deal we’re just going to do a transfusion with this HOME TRANSFUSION KIT and the stuffy Professor being like, Um, please don’t kill me.) so that they can compel him to spill it about the secret society.  So it’s called The Augustine and apparently they have a pet vampire who killed Megan? Honestly, that’s all I got.  Katherine rolls up to the event they’re having (complete with horrid cotillion music) as Elena again, to prove that Elena isn’t a vampire by walking in uninvited. Then she proceeds to stuff her face at the buffet table, stuffing rolls in her purse like someone’s shameless grandma.  Ha!  She returns to the lab, Professor TightSweater has been compelled by Caroline to forget the questioning but Katherine can’t resist telling him she knows ALL ABOUT HIS AUGUSTINE WHATEVER THE HECK IT IS and that she’s actually Elena’s doppelganger. 

"Do I look like Elena Gilbert sitting here on this sterile counter like a saucy minx? I thought not."

Moments of Hilarity:

“New Jersey? The supernatural otherworld is bound by an object in Snooki’s backyard?” - Damon

“I’m like a supernatural Madonna, don’t ya think?” - Silas on his reinventing himself

“You do realize that by destroying the other side you are literally moving heaven and earth to be together. That’s not fate, you idiot, it’s you being a crazy person.” - Damon to Silas (and also keeping it real.)

“You’re a dick.” - Jeremy to Silas in the car after Silas has made a joke about murdering Bonnie’s dad

“Elena, meet CrazyPants. CrazyPants, meet Elena.” - Damon, showing her Imara tied up in the back of his car

Moments of Heart-swelling:

“Your instincts were always to protect me. Thank you. For being you.” - Elena to Stefan

-The opening scene with Damon and Elena engaging in serious snuggletime.  D’awww.

So even though a lot of stuff happened this week to me it felt like a chaining episode; like a bunch of stuff went down that HAD to go down for whatever is coming next.  What will become of poor Stefan? And where the hell is Matt??

Amanda Reid's photo About the Author: Amanda R. is an East Coast girl living in California who will never stop missing a true autumn. She's a bookseller who specializes in kid and teen lit, the leader of FYA Oakland, and bakes a damn fine pie.