A Highly Cringeworthy Analysis of The Flowers in the Attic Trailer

On Friday, the world finally got its first glimpse of the Lifetime Flowers in the Attic movie. And obviously, we ate that shizz up.

The original trailer, which was several minutes long, has since been taken down. I guess Lifetime realized they were giving away FAR too much of the plot, because all you need to sell this thing to the public is INCEST. Once people realize that there’s other story lines, all of them terrible, they might lose interest.

Given our long history with FITA, I felt it my duty as a scientist to undertake an investigation of the (new, shorter) trailer. Especially since I couldn’t get Erin to do it.

So, fellow scholars, make sure you’ve got eye bleach nearby, and let’s see how much of this analysis we can stomach!

First, take a look at our subject as a whole:

Are you still with me? I know, you’re never getting that 32 seconds of your life back. So why not waste more time together in the pursuit of science?

Correction: The book we SHOULD have been forbidden to read. I’m not a fan of censorship but let’s be honest, our world would be a better place if V.C. Andrews had never put pen to paper.

Ellen Burstyn, WHY ARE YOU IN THIS MOVIE? You’re a RESPECTED ACTRESS. Look at your life. LOOK AT YOUR CHOICES.

NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

Is it the paycheck, Ellen? Is that what this is about? Because with make-up effects like this, the money can’t be THAT good, can it?

Oh Cory, you doomed little angel. Also, who are your parents and how can I alert the authorities as to their whereabouts? BECAUSE WHO LETS THEIR KID BE IN A FLOWERS IN THE ATTIC MOVIE?

This is the title card equivalent to lemon juice in a paper cut. Ellen, honey, YOU WON AN OSCAR.

Heather Graham didn’t, but she’s still shedding a tear for her acting career.

Nothing listed in front of Heather’s name! Because she didn’t win an Academy Award! Unlike SOMEONE ELSE in this movie, Ellen Burstyn.

NOPE. STOP. WALK AWAY. WALK THE EFF AWAY FROM YOUR SISTER CHRISTOPHER.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

And thankfully, that’s the end of today’s examination. Pat yourselves on the back for not getting scarred for life!

Obviously, that part is happening in January, when we all watch the movie together. MARK YOUR CALENDARS, Y’ALL. Then feel free to leave your scientific observations in the comments.