Previously on The Originals: A change in leadership leads to alliances shifting – again. Davina runs away to Cami when she finds out Agnes is dead, Hayley finds out that Marcel has had her family cursed, Rebekah once again gets the short end of the stick (no euphemism intended) when Marcel chooses saving himself over her, and Elijah chooses to be the beleaguered 50s housewife of New Orleans, trying to keep everyone from killing each other.
THEY’RE BACK. Show, I missed you so much, but in your absence I preached the Gospel of Shirtless Marcel to anyone who would listen. Book club understands, husband does not. Noted.
"Marcel, I thought we told you: we only wear brown on Wednesdays."
The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama
I wouldn’t expect this show’s version of girl power to be any less twisted than the Casket Girls celebration. In 1751, “young society girls imported from France with the hopes of marrying a proper New Orleans gentleman” – and, for some reason that was never quite explained, traveling with caskets – were accosted by highway robbers on the trek to New Orleans. In a bewigged moment of elegant mass murder, Rebekah single-handedly saves the day and says to the shaken ladies, “Us girls have got to stick together.” That theme is repeated throughout the episode, but sadly, no one dons sparkly Union Jack booty shorts and asks Marcel if he wants to be their lover. Something to work on, show.
(Note: the casket girls are real, but so named because their “caskets” were more like a small suitcase.)
The girls do stick together, though – Rebekah is now in the process of forging an alliance with Davina, by showing her that she doesn’t approve of Marcel and Klaus’ shenanigans – against the “selfish men” that seek to oppress them. That is, Klaus, Elijah, and Marcel have realized that Davina The Secret Weapon escaped the compound and they are desperately trying to get her back. Rebekah has designs on taking New Orleans for herself, now, if only to spite Vampire Book Club and Marcel. (If you wanna be our ruler, you gotta make witchy friends…) Speaking of, Davina removes Cami’s compulsion (at great pain to Cami), and this newfound conscious knowledge drives Cami to assist Davina escape. Possessed of a death wish, however, Cami marches up to Klaus and tells him she remembers everything. Threatening sociopathic vampires who can’t be killed is always an excellent idea.
Sophie isn’t sticking together with the girls, however. Sophie has been sticking her face on an attractive man’s face, and also sticking some tequila down her gullet, until Sabine approaches her about completing the Harvest. Faced with brutally murdering teenage girls or losing her witchy powers, Sophie decides to go ahead and kill the girls. But first, she needs to consecrate a powerful witch’s remains – this leads her to blackmailing Hayley into finding out where Elijah buried Celeste in exchange for removing the curse from Hayley’s family. (I’m giving you everything, all that joy can bring, this I swear…and all that I want from you is a promise that you’ll
be there find out where a powerful dead witch was buried 200 years prior from your almost-lover’s incredibly yet conveniently detailed journals.)
Davina is sick and tired of all this crap, and so she marches into the compound to show Elijah, Klaus, and Marcel who’s boss. With her growing power, she forces Klaus to turn into a werewolf, Elijah to choke on blood, and just as Marcel starts to win her over with his soulful eyes, Rebekah appears to stab him in the back. (Supernaturals of the world, spice up your life! Every boy every girl, spice up your life!) Later, Rebekah shows Davina Marcel’s garden of bricked up vampires – Marcel is every bit as bad as Klaus, she implies.
In the end, Sophie finds Celeste’s body, and Elijah puts together Davina’s tantrum-magic scribbles to discover a channeled, fragmented portrait of Celeste. “Something sinister is coming,” he says, and I sincerely hope it’s not more flashbacks of Elijah kissing someone’s feet.
"Does this hostage go with my outfit?"
The Original Mythology
- Sophie can become powerful enough to finish the Harvest if she can consecrate the remains of (and draw power from) a powerful witch. If this doesn’t happen, she loses all of her power.
- Sophie’s bloodline executed the curse against Hayley’s family, and so she can undo it.
The Original Body Count
- Poor Tim bites it when he drinks poisoned water meant for Davina. Davina is also poisoned, but Elijah and Marcel made sure she was protected by enlisting Sabine’s help. RIP, adorable fiddler on the roof.
- Sabine and the witches die at Davina’s hands – a showy mid-air neck-snapping, in unison, which I sincerely hope someone sets to “Bye Bye Bye.” (Sabine is protected by a spell and resurrects, however.)
The Original WTF
- Elijah’s journal entries are so dramatic. “She is dead. Even as the sun rises, I see only night.” Thirteen-year-old me has nothing on him. All that’s missing is a Nine Inch Nails soundtrack, a showing of The Craft and some ill-advised vinyl attire.
- Josh, if you’re in hiding, you might consider not answering your phone.
- Elijah, looking up at Fiddler Tim sitting near the roof: “Are the maudlin theatrics really necessary, Niklaus?” Klaus: “You’re right. Timothy, play something a little more upbeat, please. That’s a good lad.” Oh Klaus. I love you.
- Rebekah: “Ugh, am I the only smart one in the room?” I love you too, Rebekah.
The Original Joseph Morgan Award for Tortured Hot People
This week, Elijah and Hayley continue to make eyes at each other, Elijah even going far as to grin when Hayley asks him how his day is. Hayley’s betrayal makes me fear that we’re going to have to wait even longer to see them act on their feelings, but oh my, the zipping and the unzipping.
Are you glad the show is back? Do you need a moment to ponder the sexual tension surrounding zippers? Did I sufficiently earworm you, or are you too young to remember the garish sparkles of the late 90s? We'll have some coffee and we'll talk.