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A Highly Scientific Analysis Of THE FAULT IN OUR STARS Trailer

Basically, we all need to buy stock in Kleenex before June.

A Highly Scientific Analysis Of THE FAULT IN OUR STARS Trailer

Greetings, fellow scientists. I'm pleased to announce that, after much anticipation, we have finally acquired The Fault In Our Stars trailer for intensive academic study! But before we go any further, I must warn you that this research is not for the faint of heart.

Steel yourselves, then examine our subject as a whole:

As we move into the dissection phase, please note that I have included Tear Markers that will hopefully gauge the amount of tissue required in the lab.

Tear Marker #1: Slight Glistening 

The sound of Hazel's voice paired with the music is pretty much all it takes to trigger an emotional response within the first second of this trailer.

Tear Marker #2: Welling Up

Augustus Waters! Twirling Hazel Grace!

I know I should be focused on the kiss here, but Hazel's haircut is REALLY driving me bonkers. I mean, I realize that she's sick, so she's not supposed to look great, but girl, there have GOT to be better short haircuts out there.

I remember reading TFIOS and thinking, "If Hollywood makes this book into a movie, and the actress who plays Hazel isn't wear breathing tubes the whole time, I will BURN LOS ANGELES TO THE GROUND." So, I'm happy to cross lighter fluid off of my shopping list.

Tear Marker #3: Increased Welling

Because HAZEL'S MOM! Who is SO GREAT! (But now I understand why Hazel's hair is so bad. She must go to her mom's stylist.)

I think my faith in Ansel Elgort's ability to play Gus hinges entirely on whether or not he can pull of a smirk without seeming douchey. Let's just say that in this moment, my faith took a nose dive.

The Literal Heart of Jesus!

Patrick! I know I love a book HARD when characters who are kind of annoying or inconsequential still make me FREAK when I see them on screen.

ISAAC!!!!! I almost put a tear marker here, but honestly, I was too distracted by Isaac's hotness. HELLO.

Smirk Test: Not Douchey!

After repeated study of this trailer, I have developed a theory: The quality of Hazel's hair is inversely proportional to the quality of Gus' hair.

Exhibit A: In this scene, Hazel's hair is pretty bad, and Gus' hair is pretty good.

Tear Marker #4: One Tear Spills Over

HAZEL WITH HER PARENTS!!!!! I love everyone in this book, but it's Hazel's mom and dad who really leave me gutted.

Hair Theory Exhibit B: Hazel's hair is bad...

... and Gus' hair is good.

Isaac, I always knew that your girlfriend was a terrible person to break up with you, but now I realize that she was also an IDIOT. You look smokin' hot in those glasses, dude.

Hair Theory Exhibit C: Gus' hair looks AMAZING...

... and Hazel's hair looks TERRIBLE.

Tear Marker #5: Flowing

I thought knowing what would happen would make this easier to handle but NOPE.

Hair Theory Exhibit D: Gus' hair looks STRAIGHT UP AWFUL...

... and Hazel's hair actually looks AMAZING.

Tear Marker #6: See above illustration.

ANNE FRANK'S HOUSE!!!!!

Tear Marker #7: See above illustration.

FIST PUMP ALERT.

AMSTERDAM!

I think this scene disproves my Hair Theory but WHO CARES BECAUSE "You gave me a forever within the numbered days" AND I AM DYING RIGHT NOW.

Tear Marker #8: UGLY CRYING. See above illustration, then multiply it by a hundred.

Smirk Test: YOU PASSED, OKAY? YOU PASSED AND YOU ARE AUGUSTUS WATERS AND BRB MY HEART NEEDS MEDICAL ATTENTION.

Trailer, just because you end with Hazel smiling and saying, "Okay" does NOT MAKE EVERYTHING OKAY. I AM WRECKED AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT. And NO, that was not an intended pun because WHO COULD MAKE JOKES AT A TIME LIKE THIS? Besides Hazel and Augustus, obviously.

Seriously, you guys, HOW ARE WE GOING TO SURVIVE THIS MOVIE?

In addition to answering the above question, please chime in with your observations, weigh in on my Hair Theory and point out any Tear Markers I may have missed. Also, any tips for concealing a blotchy face and puffy eyes would be much appreciated.

 

Shameless Self-Promotion!

Check out our Fault in Our Stars themed t-shirts!

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).