Yeah, yeah, we should've been recapping Reign this entire time. But better late than never, right? You can thank our new contributor, Kandis, for volunteering to do what obviously needed to be done.
Queen Catherine was locked in the tower. Mary demanded to marry Bash instead of Francis. Ugh, teenagers. Clarissa, the deformed castle skulker, knows Catherine is her mother.
- Clarissa is snooping around in broad daylight, with a burlap sack on her head. It’s been that kind of bad hair day. Then she breaks a servant girl’s neck. For being in Catherine’s chamber? For spotting her? The crazy don’t always explain themselves. Mary ordered Clarissa a mask so that she can live out in the open. I secretly hope it’s the sparkly Mardi Gras kind. But somehow, the mask ends up making her look even creepier than when she wears a bag on her head.
- Mary and Bash argue over sending off the young Medici princes for their safety. Bash is for it, while Mary is opposed. They’re already disagreeing about child-rearing, and they’re not even married yet. This bodes well. Later, they make up, amidst fake falling snow, in case you forgot you were watching The CW. And then the children they’d been arguing about are kidnapped from right under their noses, because royalty make terrible babysitters. Bash had secretly arranged to have the princes taken to safety, but Clarissa has kidnapped them, so they can be together. Also? Because she’s crazypants.
- Mary’s lady-in-waiting, Lola, goes to some kind of gambling establishment to bail her brother out of debt. She finds out she doesn’t have enough to cover his tab, and the owner offers to let her settle it in other ways. Ew. And is this Deadwood? Francis shows up (hi Frahncis, we missed you!), and saves her with some very dramatic card cutting. And no, that’s not a euphemism. Lola and Francis end up spending the night together. The next morning she claims to not have known about his mother’s impending beheading. This should go well.
- Catherine fakes her own hanging in her prison cell. Hey, the place doesn’t have cable, so she has to make her own fun. Nostradamus is supposed to help her escape the grounds, but once she finds out her sons have been kidnapped, she insists on rushing off to rescue them with Mary and Bash. They try to talk Clarissa out of killing the princes, but Mary ends up having to brain her with a rock. Catherine is grateful, which is nice, but also pretty creepy, considering Clarissa was her daughter.
History According to Reign:
- Unchaperoned ladies of the 16th century just hanging out in a gambling den, NBD.
- Mary and Bash decide to get married immediately, despite not having received word from Rome yet, regarding Bash being legitimized. I’m sure that’s a choice they’d actually get to make themselves, without a team of advisors butting in.
- Queens wander around the stables wearing their tiaras. Although, to be fair, if I had a tiara, I’d wear it while doing laundry, at the Dairy Queen, with my flip-flops, basically all the damned time.
Number of Times I Forgot I Wasn’t Watching Gossip Girl: 4
1. So many furs and tiaras! Blair Waldorf would have been eaten alive with jealousy.
2. “She said I would get what I deserved, but what does that mean?” I have a hard time believing this is the first time Catherine has received a veiled threat.
3. Mary had a mask made for Clarissa, but couldn’t be bothered to give the girl a hot oil treatment? Hair sabotage at its finest.
4. Pretty sure Lola will be kicked out of the clique when Mary finds out she broke the bestie code with the Frahncis incident.