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The Vampire Diaries 5x17: Rescue Me

Amanda wonders if Naked Breakfast with Damon Salvatore is a realistic pitch for a web series. 

The Vampire Diaries 5x17: Rescue Me

Previously on The Vampire Diaries! Damon confesses that he killed Aaron and he and Elena break up! And have hot break-up sex! Caroline and Enzo realize they have to sojourn down to Atlanta to kill (what is hopefully THE FINAL) Stefan’s doppelganger in order to save him from The Travelers. Also, Liz and Luke are twins and pretty strong witches. Kind of like supernatural WONDERTWINS. 

Form of...an eagle!

We are treated to a view of Damon and Elena’s Morning After. And oh what a view it is…!

Damon is clearly hoping that his prowess in the bedroom has done a 180 on their break-up but Elena remains steadfast in her resolve to remain broken up. Even after he tempts her with Naked Breakfast. You are a FOOL, Elena Gilbert! I’m over here wondering if Naked Breakfast with Damon Salvatore can be a YouTube channel and you’re rejecting it? SIGH.

Caroline and Enzo have arrived in Atlanta (Enzo’s right - Atlanta drivers are TERRIBLE) and running out of time to find Tom the Doppelganger, who turns out to also have Hero Hair, but it’s more of a sideswept, old school, Clark Kent hero hairstyle, instead of Stefan’s trendy tousled look.

Damon is at The Grill, drinking away his sorrows, flanked by Matt and Tyler. Bantering ensues and Damon reminds Tyler that he's in no place to be giving ANYONE life advice. They see Jeremy talking to Liv all covert-like, sans Bonnie.

Tyler is not amused with Damon playing Oprah to his Guest Who Makes Terrible Life Choices.

Bonnie is actually on the phone with Elena, who informs her that she and Damon are totes broken up even if they did have hot sex the night before, and Bonnie finds out that Jeremy wasn’t at home last night and he wasn’t with her either. This is boring me to tears because honestly, I don’t care about their relationship.

Enzo and Caroline are looking for Tom at the hospital he worked for, but Tom’s been gone four months. Enzo is for real flirting with Caroline and it is GLORIOUS. He tells Caroline that she reminds him of his lost love, Maggie. (Who better not turn out to be another doppelganger.) Sloan taps into poor Stefan’s melted brain and gets an address of a woman named Hazel who asked Tom out four months ago. So off Caroline and Enzo go!

Remember how Elena asked Damon to look out for Jeremy when she went away to college? Yeah. So apparently Damon is Jeremy’s primary contact and so he gets to attend his Parent-Teacher Conference with Elena. (At this point, just say you’re homeschooling him and call it a day, Elena.) Damon stirs the shit by telling Elena that he saw Jeremy at The Grill with Liv but Elena refuses to see it. And by “it” I mean this very silly contrived conflict with Bonnie and Jeremy.

ANYWAYS. Caroline and Enzo get to Hazel’s house and note that she has a shit ton of unopened mail out front. Never a good sign. They open the door to find WITCH HAZEL (really, writers?) on her knees, eyes whitened, candles a’glowing. Neither of them can get in because, duh, vampires, so Enzo hits her square between the eyes with a rock (DAMN), kills her, BOOM - now they can enter. Caroline wants to act like she’s not impressed. It’s ok, Caroline. It took you a while to get on Team Klaus too. They find Tom in the attic, IV’s hooked up to him and Caroline is determined to kill him to save her friend. Only she can’t, so she breaks Enzo’s neck* instead and gets Tom the eff out of there.

*I feel like Damon should get royalties every time someone uses his patented move like that.

Back at Whitmore, Bonnie and Luke are talking in the lounge when Hazel’s ghost shows up and passes through her. She tells Bonnie to tell Luke that she failed, that she was trying to protect Tom with magic. Luke tells her that he and his sister are twins and witches and Bonnie’s a bit peeved. I mean, that was her ONE PLOTLINE, mentoring Liv, and now that’s gone! Jeremy calls her to let her know that Elena is in trouble and Luke vanishes.

At The Grill, Tyler is trying to listen in on Liv and Jeremy but realizes he can’t. Liv is telling Jeremy that Elena is in danger, that the travelers are coming to Mystic Falls and they need to figure out what they’re up to. She’s asking Jeremy for his help because of his Hunter abilities, including being immune to being controlled. Liv gets a text from her Wondertwin about Hazel’s death/Tom’s disappearance and moves on to Plan B, which apparently includes slamming Tyler’s smug ass against the wall when he calls her a Newbie Witch. Hehe.

Back at the school Damon and Elena start to bicker and I TOTALLY KNOW that they’re getting ready for some sexy time because Crawling Back to You by The Arctic Monkeys starts playing in the background. Damon pulls her into an empty hallway and proceeds to tell her just how he wants to lay it on her. And then he walks away. Elena can BARELY catch her breath. GO ON GIRL. No one here will judge you.

During a meeting with another teacher Elena is daydreaming about pouncing on Damon in the classroom. We’re talking books shoved off of the desk, beakers knocked over POUNCING. She goes outside to “get some air” and finds Liv waiting for her, stake in hand. Damon saves her, obvs, and proceeds to get info from Liv in that charming, torturous way that only Damon can. Elena is a total predictable bore, yelling at him the whole time even though this bish was trying to kill her. Girl, you don’t even deserve him.

Jeremy shows up and tells Damon that they need Liv. Elena decides to trust Jeremy and leaves with Damon. Also, Jeremy has terrible hair. He tells Liv, and the newly arrived Luke, that Plan C is all of them protecting Elena and stopping the travelers. He’s also enlisted Tyler and Matt, which is always a win.

The only reason I can think of for Jeremy's hair is to make him look younger. It's not a good enough reason.

Caroline has taken Tom out for food and compelled him to tell her everything about his life, solidifying that he’s a really decent guy. She fantasizes about choking him but can’t bring herself to do it. Not even for her BFF Stefan. She compels him to leave town and start a new life elsewhere. Too bad Enzo shows up in the parking lot (I mean REALLY, Caroline - you took Tom to the same diner you were just at earlier with Enzo!) and breaks Tom’s neck. He confesses that the Travelers have told him they know where Maggie is (uh, won’t she be super old at this point?) but says Caroline can tell Stefan that she’s the one who saved his life. I can’t decide if this is gracious or a low blow.

Back at Chez Salvatore, Jeremy comes back to pack up, telling Elena and Jeremy that he’s moving in with Tyler and Matt. Elena is super sad about this, feeling like she’s failed Jeremy somehow and not really accepting that he’s pretty much a grown-up who will never have the normal life she wants for him. Elena decides to move back to campus, determined to put her relationship with Damon in the past. She’s a much stronger woman than me, I’ll say that. Damon lets her go with a kiss on her forehead and it’s a sweet, sad moment.

Caroline is back with Stefan, who’s still recuperating. She feels like she failed him and he assures her that she didn’t, that he knows she couldn’t kill Tom and that’s ok. They fall asleep together and it’s completely adorable, although FOR THE RECORD I am not shipping these two. Y’all settle down and just let them be BFF’s.

The next morning Caroline and Stefan wake up to chanting and blood drinking as the Travelers try to bring forth Marcos. Sloan sets one of them on fire, then they ALL light up! As they die they pass through Bonnie, one after the other, wearing her out so much she faints.

And then Marcos comes forth.

Moments of Hilarity:

“Tyler Lockwood, now a Life Coach despite running his own life into the ground!” - Damon

“How do you expect me to care about school when this is my life? ‘Sorry I missed class today, we were under a doppelganger invasion!’ ” - Jeremy to Elena

“I should have seen it coming. That whole ‘Oh I’m so charming because I want to distract you!’ I mean, I practically invented that!” - Caroline

Moments of Heartswelling:

“You knew I couldn’t do it...that’s why you let me do it.” - Caroline to Stefan

“When we’re together we do bad things for each other. I can’t live like that...I need you to let me go.” - Elena
“Travel safe.” - Damon

Moments of Panty-Melting (a new and NECESSARY category):

“Last night was a mistake.” - Elena
“Maybe we should keep making mistakes.” - Damon

“From what Damon tells me I am your type. Well-traveled, charming accent, dodgy morals…” - Enzo to Caroline

“I don’t know what to say, or do, or think. All I know is that right now I wanna rip your clothes off right in the middle of this hall. And throw you in one of these classrooms and kiss every square inch of your body while a bunch of people that drive minivans listen, wishing they were us.” - Damon to Elena

Next time on The Vampire Diaries - I have no idea as it’s not back til April 17th and I couldn’t find a preview video! Silly CW.

So what did y’all think? Are Damon and Elena done and overwith for good? Will Enzo find his lady and will she be a senior citizen? Will Jeremy get a much-overdue haircut?

Amanda Reid's photo About the Author: Amanda R. is an East Coast girl living in California who will never stop missing a true autumn. She's a bookseller who specializes in kid and teen lit, the leader of FYA Oakland, and bakes a damn fine pie.