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The All Clip Art Guide to Romance

Brian reviews a guide to romance he bought at a truckstop, because why the hell not.

The All Clip Art Guide to Romance

BOOK REPORT for Get the Perfect Date Perhaps a Lifetime Mate! by Bob Hinds

Cover Story: C'mon Son, Hold Her Hand Like You Like Her!
Drinking Buddy: Wingman
Testosterone Level: Just Club Her Over the Head
Talky Talk: I have No Words
Bonus Factors: 500 Dating Ideas, Also By This Author
Bromance Status: That Friend of My Father's Who Keeps Wanting to Set Me Up With His Niece

Cover Story: C'mon Son, Hold Her Hand Like You Like Her!

Go on, Timmy, smile! Becky's a sweet girl. You know, I think you two would make a cute couple.

Aw, gee, Dad, knock it off!

The Deal:

Missouri author Bob Hinds self-published this little gem: An easy procedure for high school and college-aged, and even adults to enjoy flirting, dating, and a courtship - followed by a loyal happy marriage. (I spared you the all caps)

Bob starts us off with the cautionary tale of Matt and Cary. Matt (who had just obtained his first driver's license) liked Cary. Naturally, Matt showed his interest by pulling Cary's hair, dumping her books, and pulling her chair out from under her. This makes me sad that that DMV apparently issues licenses to eight-year-olds.

Cary, naturally, is uninterested, and they both end up marrying other people, despite 'the burning desire' to marry each other. Now they live in different states 'while harboring in their secret souls a feeling of having been cheated in life.'

I wonder if 'Matt' went on to write a bunch of hand-stapled advice books that you can buy at the Kingdom City Petromart.

At any rate, if you don't want to end up like dipshit Matt, Bob gives you great advice on how to approach the opposite sex, with such bold face subject heading like:

Harmful Flirting

Why Be An Old Maid or a Bachelor?

The Scientific Approach To Dating

Being a Parent is a Great Career

Show Respect to Date's Family

You get the picture. Remember, girls, 'Work hard at flirting, all the time.'

Drinking Buddy: Wingman

I love how Bob, who is so old that he refers to the Second World War as 'the war,' gives advice to modern teens. However, the clip art in this book says 1990, but damn it, the advice is timeless! 'A firm hand and lots of love'...great for dealing with a child or a wife!

Seriously, who could resist this man:

A man who--I shit you not--has his picture hung in the Honors Hall at the University of Missouri Livestock Pavilion! That's my alma matter! Brad Pitt and Bob Hinds! Go Tigers!

Testosterone Level: Just Club Her Over the Head

Now Bob's views on the role of women are, shall we say, traditional.

Learn a career just in case some time in life you are forced to work. But instead, strive for a great woman's role in life as a loved homemaker, with a social life and family values such as PTA, Scout leader, bridge parties and benevolent works and enjoy the greatest time of life: little children.

Always be available. Have fun now. Always be looking, whether spoken for or engaged.

Do something like pretending to drop your books or keys. (yeah, show off that ass)

A good opening line is, "How did you like that math test Friday?" or "You were sure surpassing all the rest at the track field Thursday," or "You were certainly doing a grand job of entertaining everyone at the restaurant last night." (Remember, ladies, you must speak like a robot who was programmed by someone who does not speak English as their first language)

Talky Talk: I Have No Words

If I come back in a few years and find that you have married a man who cannot support you and you have to go to work from sun 'til sun, just remember, it is your own fault. The good ones are out there. Go after them.

Bonus Factor: 500 Dating Ideas

*Get the gang together for a wild game of UNO.

*Host a Bible study group.

*Invite your minister to eat with you.

*Try doing the polka.

*Take your parents out to dinner.

*Daydream what your lives will be like 10 years from now.

*Share the fantasy of how you would spend a million dollars.

*See the excitement of a stockyard auction.

*Role play to prepare for a job interview. (Can I be the naughty secretary?)

*Tell about your most embarrassing moment. (I bought this book)

*Plan exciting future dates together. (Your sister, is she eighteen?)

*Read Emily Post together to improve your manners.

*Use your talents by joining the Glee Club.

Bonus Factor: Also By This Author

Bob has written ten books. You can buy each of them for four dollars, or all ten for $75.

Pretty slick there, Bob. Pretty slick.

Bromance Status:That Friend of My Father's Who Keeps Wanting to Set Me Up With His Niece

Thanks, Mr. Wilson, but there's already someone special in my life. Give my best to Nancy and the kids.

This book is available where self-help books and deep fried foods are sold.

Brian Katcher's photo About the Author: Brian Katcher wrote his first YA novel when he was down and out in Mexico. He now lives in Missouri with his wonderful wife and daughter. He divides his time between writing and working as a school librarian. Brian still misses the preachy YA books of the eighties.