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A Highly Scientific Analysis of the FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Trailer

Because WTF.

A Highly Scientific Analysis of the FIFTY SHADES OF GREY Trailer

Hey y'all, so there's this book, not sure if you've heard of it? It's called Fifty Shades of Grey? And it's based on Twilight fanfic? And for some reason a lot of people on this planet are obsessed with it and the author is now a millionaire and I kind of want to kill myself?

I haven't read it, but I did read Erin's review, and even though she couldn't bring herself to finish the book, I feel like I got a good grasp on the fact that I will never, ever, ever read it.

But! I will most definitely see the film adaptation for the sole purpose of crafting a drinking game, because humanity needs a way to survive this movie, and I WILL BE YOUR SAVIOR.

Now that I've watched the trailer, my liver is quaking in its stylish yet affordable liver boots over the sheer volume of alcohol this film will require.

Fellow scientists, as we step into the lap for analysis, make sure and slip on your hardiest safety goggles, otherwise your eyeballs might explode.

Here we have Bella Swan Anastasia Steele, looking insecure and frumpy. At least she's not biting her lip.

Wait, is that a Cullen?

I gotta hand it to this trailer for masterfully building up the moment when we finally see Christian Grey's face.

Psyche! I just wanted to make a terrible pun.

"There's really not much to know about me. Look at me." BELLA SWAN FOR $500, ALEX.

Also, isn't she supposed to be wearing glasses in this scene so that Christian can transform her from an ugly duckling into a beautiful swan?

So this is Christian Grey! I'm... underwhelmed.

Okay, this is the scene when he tells her he's a vampire, right? Then they jump around in the trees?

Thanks to that jazz poster, there's a blow joke somewhere in here, but I REFUSE TO MAKE IT.

Sorry, Christian, but Sandy Frink did it better.

"I'm incapable of leaving you alone,"... said the defendant to the victim in a recent stalking trial.

"Then don't," replied the victim, as the jury looked on in disbelief.

Sorry, Christian, but Edward Lewis did it better.

"I had a rough start in life. You should steer clear of me." Otherwise I WILL MUG YOU IN THE PARK.

"Back off, asshole! Only I'm allowed to be creepy to her!"

Wait, isn't Christian supposed to be watching her sleep? What kind of stalker is he?! It's okay, Anastasia, you can just put this on your wall:

Sorry, Christian, but Jacob did it better.

Sorry, Christian, but Maverick did it better.

"My tastes are very... singular." God, I wish that drawer was full of lady's undergarments because then this movie might actually be interesting.

"Enlighten me, then." And the Oscar goes to Dakota Johnson, for saying that line with a straight face.

"And this is where I keep my Beanie Baby collection."

GUYS THIS MOVIE IS ABOUT S&M. HOW PROVOCATIVE.

Finally, a movie with a strong heroine! In other news, I see that Christian did not get the memo about the necessity of jorts.

What's more painful to watch, sex with Christian Grey or sex with Edward Cullen? I guess I would vote for the one that doesn't end with RENESMEE.

Well, fellow scientists, what say you? Will this movie be awesomely bad or just bad bad? Will fans of the book be happy? Will our culture ever recover? Chime in with your scholarly musings in the comments!

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).