About:
It’s Alexis’s turn to take a week off, and while she’s busy enjoying all of the cheap craft beer, abundant berries and artisanal ice cream that western Oregon has to offer, our BFF/hilarious genius Rosemary is holding down the Murder Cabin in her stead. Hooray for Rosemary!
THIS WEEK’S MVP
Hanna, for recognizing that sometimes when you love someone you have to do something that might make them hate you. And for finally exorcising the ghost of Ravenswood.
THIS WEEK’S LVP
Paige. That girl was WAY less cute than Emily. (Then again, who isn’t?)
BIGGEST SURPRISE/BEST SHOCK
Melissa’s confession: she saw Spencer with a shovel the night Ali was murdered. And to protect her sister, she rolled Bethany’s body into that grave and buried her alive.
BIGGEST NO-DUH
Aria’s… kind of a bitch.
THAT’S ALI, FOLKS
Ali keeps calling the Liars, but they’re just not picking up. So she skips town.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
SO MUCH HAPPENED. Spencer confronted Caleb about his teen stache drinking problem, Aria asked Ezra to stay away from Alison, but he ignored her. Spencer wanted to go to the police about Ali’s kidnapping story. Melissa had a secret for Spencer. Emily finally, FINALLY blew up at Ali, and the Liars decided it’s time to cut ties with Alison “Worst Human on the Planet” DiLaurentis.
THIS WEEK
Liars Summit 1
The Liars are standing on a darkened street, staring at the circus tent that is the Rosewood Police Station. They’re finally doing it: going to the police about Ali’s kidnapping story. They’ve been here before, but this time, things are going to be different. “After this, Ali’s on her own,” Spencer says.
But just as they step off the curb, a store window behind them filled with televisions blinks to life, and every single screen features Ali’s face, an image from the surveillance camera from the night Ali visited Hanna’s hospital room. A message pops up: “We’re all in this together. – A”
Well, obviously, they can’t go to the police NOW! No one will believe they didn’t know Ali was alive once they see that video footage. Filled with rage at her foiled plan, Spencer Hulks out, grabs a rock and tries to smash the window, but the others stop her. Suddenly the screens all switch to footage of the girls standing right there, staring back at themselves, as A’s best message yet/our everyday mantra flashes once again: “ACT NORMAL, BITCHES.”
At The Brew, Emily and Spencer pout while drinking a bit of coffee with their whipped cream. Emily wonders if the message wasn’t actually from A, but from Ali – after all, the message said, “We’re all in this together.” (Emily is starting to think like us PLL-obsessed, tinfoil-hat wearing conspiracy theorists. In other words, like Spencer. Welcome to the club, Emily. Here, drink this Kool-Aid.) Spencer talks herself in circles, like “But what if A wants us to THINK it’s Ali, or what if Ali is A pretending to be Ali, or what if A is Ali’s identical twin, or what if A KNOWS that we know that she knows we know?” It’s confusing, Spencer. We know.
Her phone rings—it actually is Alison, but Spencer shady-buttons her. She asks how Emily is doing, since she’s the one who stuck with Ali the longest. Emily admits that she does regret that her loyalty to Alison cost her her relationship with Paige. This time, Emily’s phone buzzes with a text from Ali, letting them know that Ali’s dad is taking her out of town because he’s worried about the “kidnapper”. “Ali’s lucky they released him when they did….real lucky,” Emily muses.
An Interwenchion
Hanna shows up at the cabin where Caleb’s been living, to find her scruffy boyfriend looking even scruffier (and more passed-out) than usual. She wakes him up, in the process tripping over one thousand bottles labeled DRINKING PROBLEM. “I thought we had a deal,” she warns—she quit her own brief foray into TV-alcoholism after just two episodes, but Caleb’s been dragging this out for like a whole half-season now, and it’s getting a liiiittle old. Caleb cries insomnia, and reaches for another drink as Hanna marches out.
At school the next day, Hanna asks Spencer whatever happened to her sober coach Dean. (Don’t worry, Hanna, Dean is lying in wait at PLL Generic White Boy Purgatory, where he’ll stay until the writers determine they can use him to stir up drama once again.) She wants his number for Caleb. Suddenly, the girls speak in earnest: “Is this about his drinking?” Spencer asks. No, it’s about his interior decorating. “You can’t just introduce Caleb to a stranger and say let’s talk about addiction.” And Spencer would know, guys. She’s had an addiction. And so have we: this show.
Hanna asks Spencer to recruit Toby for their Ravenswood Intervention, which apparently necessitates some 1-900 number cajoling first.
Hanna rolls her eyes right on out of her head, but it brings Toby running. “Caleb’s different,” Spencer tells him. “He looks… [and here your intrepid recappers shouted “HAUNTED” out loud at the TV, because duh] ….haunted [“NAILED IT”] by the Ghosts of ABC Family Shows Past”. Toby agrees.
The next step is obviously bringing Caleb for a fun double date/confrontation. Hanna tells Toby to BE COOL as Caleb approaches, so Toby does what any dude would do when asked to have a heart-to-heart with another dude. He stands up and asks Caleb what his deal is. Caleb asks, “Who died and made you Oprah?”
So Caleb and Toby go mano a mano over this whole alcoholism thing. “It’s human nature!” Caleb says from his insouciant slouch, “It’s what guys do!” But Toby knows what’s up. He’s been there—no, not “been there” like had a drinking problem—he’s LITERALLY been there. To Ravenswood. “What was it about Ravenswood that has you so scared you’re pushing everyone away?” he asks. “Say it. Say it out loud.”
Caleb can’t handle it and storms out of the Grill, while Hanna casts a blame-filled glare in Toby’s direction and follows him. HEY GUYS, YOUR INTERWENCHION WASN’T EVEN TOBY’S IDEA, SO JUST CHILLAX WITH THE SHAMING.
What the EF
Ezra’s lounging (in real pants, for once) when he’s surprised by a teenager knocking on his door. No, not that one! Uh, nope, not that one either… No, it’s Emily. She tells Ezra everything about Cyrus, asking if he heard or found out anything about Cyrus while he was stalking the Liars doing his detective work. Ezra says that he doesn’t have much information from Ali’s time away, probably because he was too busy boinking teenage girls during that time. But, with the pensive air of a real True Crime novelist, he wonders why anyone would confess to a crime they didn’t commit? That’s right: blackmail.
Speaking of blackmail, Emily shows Ezra the photos of Ali she stole from Noel, and Ezra practically salivates at the sight of some surveillance photos of teenage girls that were not yet in his collection. He also promises to do some spy snooping.
Ezra’s snooping pays off though: from Emily’s photo, he tracks down some security footage of Cyrus and Ali standing together at an ATM, all of Cyrus’s aliases, and his criminal record. Emily wonders what Ali promised or threatened Cyrus to get him to confess, but both she and Ezra know very well that finding someone’s weak point was an Ali specialty.
A Bad Thought, Part 1
At school the next day, Hanna has a Bad Thought (and it’s not about Emily’s chestpiece-less shirt): “A doesn’t want us telling the truth about Ali because they like to see us suffer…but who besides A wants to keep us quiet?” The girls share a look.
Emily: “Alison.”
Spencer: “That is a bad thought.”
A Bad Thought, Part 2
“I’m sorry, they just keep coming into my head!”
A Bad Thought, Part 3
Ali left town, against A’s express prohibition. So what changed? She made a deal with Noel the first time she left…maybe she made a deal with someone else? A perhaps?
Surprise Tanner
As the girls discuss the possibilities, Tanner sneaks up from behind, hoping to chat without a parent or guardian present…true Tanner style, y’all. She lures them with coffee and pastries – her treat. Which is practically candy in a van to those girls. #StrangerDanger
Tanner assures the girls they’ll catch Cyrus and asks them to report anything they can. She gets up to leave but OH FAKE OUT GUYS she turns and sits back down. “Oh!” she says in her best “silly me” voice, “…Who do you think killed Bethany Young?” No, she says, they haven’t found any connection between them and Bethany, besides the part where Bethany was killed like two inches away from where they were all asleep in a Beyoncé- and sleeping pills-induced haze. The girls all plead ignorance and idiocy, but Tanner isn’t convinced.
Hanna calls Spencer to update her, but Spencer assures her there is no connection between them and Bethany. “There is now,” Hanna insists. “We made it ourselves—when Aria got the drawings and when you went to see a man about a horse.” (HEY! ROSEMARY MADE THAT JOKE FIRST, HANNA.)
Sometimes it feels like we need to create our own serial killer wall just to keep track of all the plotlines on this show.
The Longest Monologue Ever Delivered On This Show
Over at House of Hastings, Melissa’s skipped town, leaving only a brief, and evasive, note for Spencer. But then Spence gets a special courier package, and it is chock full of TRUTH, in the form of a DVD that Melissa filmed of herself in which she recounts her own version of events from the fateful night of Alison’s disappearance. That night, Melissa saw Spencer with the shovel, she heard her arguing with Alison – and then she saw Alison lying on the ground and Spencer walking away. So she did what any good big sister would do! She quoted The Tempest and buried the body without bothering to check if it was a) Alison or b) alive. She was trying to protect Spencer, but turns out, she just buried some stranger alive. And now? Tahiti’s looking mighty nice.
“It felt like everyone who ever made the mistake of touching Ali was there that night. What’s that line from the Tempest? “This island is full of noises.” I saw the body, I thought you killed Alison with that shovel. Now I’m not sure what happened, but standing there, that’s what I thought and I didn’t want anybody to know.”
We—and Spencer—get chills.
Strangers In A Bathroom
At the Montgomery House of Horrors, Aria walks in on the ultimate spine-chiller: Mike and Mona canoodling while doing their homework. Aria just can’t handle it, because the camera cuts to her alone in her bedroom, where Byron joins her. Aria, Counselor of Relationships and Haver of the Finest Taste in Boyfriends, tells Byron that Mona and Mike are a bad idea and he agrees—Mona’s bad news all right, but if they try to tell Mike not to date her, he’ll be a teenager and date her THAT MUCH HARDER.
Byron reminds Aria and the viewers that Ella is a negligent mother/will be back in town tomorrow night, and he still has their tickets. Tickets to what, we don’t know…but the plot thickens when he adds, “I had my fedora reblocked for the occasion.” We don’t know what kinda weird shit you Montgomerys are into, and we’re not sure we want to know.
Too bad for us, though, because the answer is “dress-up night at old timey movie theater,” which is such a Rosewood/Montgomery family thing to do. (Sidebar: The movie they’re watching is Strangers on a Train, and the good folks over at Zap2It have some VERY INTERESTING theories as to this particular Hitchcockian reference.) Mother of the Year Ella Montgomery cancelled on the one family night they’ve had in about four seasons, so Mike invites Mona along, eliciting some dagger stares from Aria.
Later, during the film, Aria leans over and whispers something to Mona that we can’t hear, which sends Mona to the bathroom in tears. Damn, Aria! Didn’t know you had it in ya. In the bathroom, Mona falls apart: she probably doesn’t deserve Mike anyway; she’s not a nice person; she should’ve just died when she fell off that cliff. Aria backpedals furiously.
But in the end, this is all about Alison, and Mona trying to protect herself. Mona warns Aria that when Ali is finished with her, she’ll come after the Liars next. “She can’t trust you after Cyrus…and New York.” Mona has not yet gotten the memo that we cannot mention the N– Y— words around Aria, for fear of sending her into a tailspin.
Paige McCullers Interlude
Emily finds Paige at school and asks her if they can talk—maybe tonight? Paige can’t toniiiiiight, but says yes, we should talk. Turns out Paige couldn’t talk that night because she was busy going to Rosewood Noir Movie Night, ON A DATE. With a girl who was pretty, but definitely no Emily Fields.
Sunless Tanner
After the movie, in the full-on middle of the night, Tanner drops by the Montgomery house to talk to Byron; Aria hides in the stairwell to eavesdrop. Byron calls her out on trying to get info out of the girls without adults around (THANK YOU), and says she should maybe spend more time trying to find the kidnapper that she let walk free.
Tanner counters that usually, homicide investigations get LESS complicated the longer you work on them, unless someone very smart is making it more complicated. (Yo, Tanner, we think that’s your cue to step out da Montgomery house.) But Byron’s only interested in how her investigation involves his daughter. Oh ho ho, Tanner knows that Aria is part of what’s complicating her case, but luckily, one of the girls has stepped forward to tell her all their secrets the very next day. But who? Tanner ain’t telling!
And Now, A Word From Our Sponsors
Caleb arrives at Vice Cabin and starts throwing stuff into a bag when Hanna pulls a Noel Kahn and turns the lamp on from where she sits in the dark. “Going somewhere?” she asks. He’s mad about the intervention, and she tells him she came to apologize…an hour ago. But now, she’s been sitting there worried about him so the apology window is closed. CALEB CAN TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF, he argues. NO HE CAN’T, she argues. He’s got to trust her, or he might as well have not come back. Caleb, you’ve got some ‘splainin’ to do!
So, Caleb tells Hanna the ridiculous and convoluted plot of Raven5wood and thank God we never watched that show – it sounds terrible. Something about millions of fireflies and some jars, the great ascendancy, blah blah blah. Hanna insists that he did help Miranda (don’t know, don’t care) so he can get over that. He says he’s not the same person, but she insists he is. So help us VanderJesus, if they try to weave the Ravenswood plot into the already overly complicated Pretty Little Liars plot, our serial killer wall will literally collapse from the weight of all that string. Besides, if any of us actually cared what happened on Ravenswood…maybe it would still be on the air.
Anyway, then the show worms sideways into an awkward commercial for the movie Ouija, which… also looks terrible. Caleb tells the camera Hanna that Ouija is real and that’s the source of all his sleeplessness and monsters. Blah blah ghost dreams, and then Hanna reassures him that not being the same person he was when he left is, well, normal. People change. “We’ll get through this. I didn’t come this far not to have a happy ending. Let’s make out.” (She didn’t say that last part but we think it was implied.)
Show and Tell
Show and Tell time! Aria tells Spencer and Emily what Tanner said, they all swear that they aren’t the ones talking to her — and neither is Hanna. If it’s not one of the four… it must be Alison.
Emily shows the group the picture of Ali and Cyrus she got from Ezra, which might be the end of Ali’s kidnapping story, unless Ali just adds another layer of lies on top of the lie parfait.
Spencer’s turn! She’s brought Melissa’s video to share. Emily and Aria are, of course, horrified. Tanner thinks they all had something to do with Bethany’s death, and it turns out she may be more correct than they thought. Spencer points out that Bethany was wearing the exact same clothes as Ali when she was buried, meaning… “It was always someone’s idea that Bethany take A’s place,” Emily says. “I mean Alison! Not A!” Oops…
Back at the Cabin, Hanna is looking at fireflies while Caleb sleeps on the couch, exhausted from recapping the entire Ravenswood series (we feel ya, Caleb). But of course…someone is watching them from the window…and creeping back into the bushes.
No A tag! And also… No Alison. HMM.
NEXT WEEK
…is when the shiz goes aaaaall the way downtown, murder styles.
And in the meantime… ACT NORMAL, BITCHES.
KISSES,
A Rosemary and A Catie
About the Contributor:
Catie grew up in Denver, Colorado, where she often stayed up past her bedtime reading with a flashlight and once sent homemade Hogwarts acceptance letters to her friends. Now an adult, she still loves books and TV meant for teens, but is grateful to no longer have a bedtime.
