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From the Creator of Scientology

Brian reviews L. Ron Hubbard's ten-volume science fiction epic, Mission Earth. Ten volumes. Ten damn volumes.

From the Creator of Scientology

BOOK REPORT for the Mission Earth series by L. Ron Hubbard

Cover Story: None More Manly. None.
Drinking Buddy: I Hope You Get Hit By a Bus
Testosterone Level: Sex, Drugs, and More Sex
Talky Talk: Padded Essay
Bonus Factor: Hilarious Satire
Anti-Bonus Factors: Rape Therapy, Necrophilia
Bromance Status: During Visiting Hours

Cover Story: None More Manly. None.

Seriously? Macho overload:

Guns

Babes

Car wrecks

Whatever the hell this is.

The Deal:

It starts off as a typical space opera: The Voltarian Confederacy has a plan to take over the galaxy. Earth will be joining the empire (whether they like it or not) in about a hundred years. Unfortunately, spies report that due to pollution and the threat of nuclear war, the earth may not be habitable by that time. Space marine Jettero Heller is sent to Earth to introduce clean technology and defuse the global crisis, ensuring a golden age for all involved. Unfortunately, the Voltarian intelligence agency wants the mission to fail and sends Soltan Gris, the story's narrator, to sabotage the mission.

Unfortunately, author L. Ron Hubbard was apeshit bonkers. Round about volume four the story goes so far off the tracks it makes Battlefield Earth look like the good book.

Drinking Buddy: I Hope You Get Hit By a Bus

Heller is handsome, charming, selfless, and brave. He's an adult, but due to Voltarians' extended lifespans, he's taken for a teenager. He roams around New York doing good deeds and sleeping with earth women.

I hated him. He was so flippin' perfect that I hoped he would die, even if it meant the extermination of life on earth. His enemy, Gris, was a conniving, murdering bastard. I ended up rooting for him, simply because he wasn't Heller.

Testosterone Level: Sex, Drugs, and More Sex

Lots of sex in these books. But the kind of sex you see when you accidentally click on the wrong link and end up purging your browser history while you wait for a call from the FBI.

Talky Talk: Padded Essay

Remember in high school when the teacher said your report has to be a thousand words, but when you finish, you only end up with about 700, so you throw in a bunch of extra adjectives?

Hubbard threw in about three unnecessary volumes. He really only needed five at the most, but ten is such a nice round number. Entire sections were dedicated to rehashing the plot. At around volume seven the entire cast of characters changes. Important plot points are introduced in volume two, then not mentioned again until volume eight.

I started this series in seventh grade. I finally finished it when I was in college. This was solely due to my OCD about never leaving a book unfinished.

Bonus Factor: Hilarious Satire

The series did have its humorous, satirical moments: The US government is run by the oil companies, Earth TV is puerile and violent, Gris is a secret Bugs Bunny fan, the translation computer is a prude who bleeps out swear words...

And there's a talk show host named Donny Farson! A scientist named Albert Blindstein! The Voltarian intelligence agency is called the Coordinated Information Apparatus...the CIA! Get it? Aw, put that shit away before I bust a gut!

Anti-Bonus Factor: Rape Therapy

Stop reading now, I beg you.

Okay. So Hubbard hated psychiatrists and it really comes through in this work. Especially with the lesbians.

In volume four, Gris is kidnapped by two lesbians (one a femme, one a bull dyke, of course). Because they've been so screwed up by Earth psychology, they sexually torture Gris. He later escapes, then captures and rapes them both. They love the idea of normal sex so much that they invite all their lesbian friends over for Gris to deflower (because only a man can give a woman an orgasm).

This was my first 'WTF did I just read' moment. I was thirteen.

In another volume, Heller's girlfriend, Countess Krak, visits earth. When she finds a female professor being so brutally gang raped that she gets a leg broken, Krak fends off the attackers. Then, using alien hypnotherapy, convinces the woman that the rape was fun for her (she'd been made frigid by her psychologist father). The professor turns into a huge nympho and has sex with all her male students.

Also, lesbians have sex with dogs.

You are now insane.

Anti-Bonus Factor: Necrophilia

These books had a lot of scenes about guys having sex with dead people (and animals). Rather more than I care for in my sci fi, to tell you the truth.

Bromance Status: During Visiting Hours

Hi? Remember me? Are they treating you well here? I understand the staff is the best. My, the walls are so soft...well...gotta run.

Brian Katcher's photo About the Author: Brian Katcher wrote his first YA novel when he was down and out in Mexico. He now lives in Missouri with his wonderful wife and daughter. He divides his time between writing and working as a school librarian. Brian still misses the preachy YA books of the eighties.