It’s been too long, Janesters. TOO LONG. Let’s just dive in!
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Not ayahuasca retreats, that’s for sure. I’d say Juanes, but his cameo wasn’t as himself. Ummmm…scotch (the drink that did not roofie Raf)? Cartoonishly large police binoculars? Hand sanitizer? Lobster? WHITE SHEETS (that image above is my favorite, even if I couldn’t fit it anywhere in the recap itself…Petra! What are you doing with all those sheets???)?
Guys, I miss Target.
THIS WEEK’S MVP(arent)
No one was a BAD parent this week (well…ROSE, but does she really count?) but neither did anyone stand out as a paragon of parenting excellence. My own Jane-watching parent suggested re-awarding ex-soccer star Marco, who was attempting to make his daughter’s “family dinner” dreams come true before Xo called their romantic adventure quits, but in the spirit of spreading the love around—and taking this slimmest window of opportunity to award a character who will probably never deserve one again—I’m going to go with… Solano, Sr.!
I’m not convinced that [spoilering] Luisa was the most compassionate action possible, but I do think that *he* thinks it was. He was also open to giving Raf a chance to actually work to re-prove himself an asset to the hotel. Again—not something many of us (I) would deem necessary, but within the parameters of the Solano family, Solano, Sr. is doing the best he could do.
BEST TELENOVELA TWIST
RAF gets roofied. Guys—men—it can happen to you, too. ALWAYS ON GUARD.
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
Friends! I turned on SUBTITLES for this episode, and finally saw why other recappers have been referring to VoG as “Latin Lover Narrator.” As in, because it is his name. But Latin Lover help me, I am too fond of “Voice of God.” So…you’ll have to get your LLN designation elsewhere. I’m sticking to my VoG guns.
Anyway, VoG lost his breath this week trying to recap all that’s happened since the show started, is how much was previously on. To wit: Pregnant Virgin Jane broke off her engagement to Worst Detective Michael and has started a romantic relationship with Sperm Donor Rafael, who is divorcing Secret Czech Troublemaker Petra, who seems like a gold digger but really needs money to pay off the Czech mafia, whose heavy she and her mother, Scarred Face Magda, are holding hostage. Petra has teamed up with Raf’s Nemesis Lachlan to take down Raf/get Petra the biggest payout possible, which plans started with telling Raf’s father, the Solano family patriarch, about Raf putting his share of the Marbella up as collateral against his sister’s medical malpractice insurance, which is being invoked in a civil suit Jane is bringing against Luisa for artificially inseminating her in the first place. Luisa, who also resumed an affair with ex-lover, ex-lawyer, and current stepmother Rose, has skipped town on some kind of bender. Not skipping town—or house—at all is Rogelio, Jane’s newly discovered telenovela father who is trying to woo her mother, Aspiring Pop Star Xiomara—who is dating Soccer Superstar Marco, and who disapproves of Jane’s budding romance with Former Playboy Rafael.
Man, by the end of the season *I’m* going to need an ayahuasca retreat just to get through the Previously On. (JK, #novomiting4lyfe)
THIS WEEK
We start with a flashback to ten-year old Jane pulling juicy gossip, aka “stories,” from her mother. Well, the story would probably have become juicy, but before we hear what the music producer told her, Xo is interrupted by Alba shuffling into the kitchen carrying a slim envelope and a mountain of Catholic guilt, both of which are dropped on Xo’s placemat. The envelope? A court summons following Xo’s forgetting to pay a parking ticket. The guilt? Well, Baby!Jane, that’s a long story, and it starts with the fact that Alba’s husband gave up untold Venezuelan oil riches just to marry her…
GIFs from janegifs
Fast Forward…Like, For Real
Mostly when Show time and IRL time differ, it is that Show time moves like molasses while we lame real people live at the speed of life. Not so this time! This time, our single week off from the show IRL amounted to TWO weeks off in Jane’s Miami. Just enough time for Raf to go on AND return from his big, unsuccessful Luisa-hunt (to save the Marbella/his job); for Lachlan to settle into his new position as Better Raf (aka, Marbella Manager); and for…
FINALLY. Although the need to keep Gina Rodriquez in covetable dresses is real, it’s not as real as the need to see some signs of pregnancy in a show about pregnancy. Anyway, since there’s nothing sexier than another human growing inside you (I say in jest, bc probably procreation being the whole point of human biology, there really IS nothing sexier…), Raf takes this opportunity to suggest they move their steamy reunion to the bedroom.
*screeching brakes sfx*
Oh, right. The virgin thing. The virgin thing that you and I and basically all of Jane’s Miami save Rafael is so aware of it’s like breathing. The “miraculous” pregnant virgin thing that the nuns at Jane’s student teaching gig have been milking by hug-pimping her out. That virgin thing.
But rather than explain her situation to Rafael, Jane cuts their reunion short, citing a need to prepare for her court hearing against absentee Luisa the next morning. Which, to be fair, is true. Especially as the only real advice she has to go on is from Rogelio, who has advised her to rub hand sanitizer under her eyes to be as teary as possible. Oh, Ro. Never change.
Lovers New and Old
Speaking of the squeaky door begging for grease, ever since Xo started dating her dance student’s hot dad, Rogelio has turned himself into a near-permanent fixture at the Villanueva house. Marco has for sure noticed this, but since he’s seen himself in a mirror, he appears more amused and exasperated than concerned. Xo for sure is both those things, and thus all the more determined to make the Marco thing work—including making “family dinner” plans with his daughter, who as we know from the last episode, is dead set on having Xo as a new stepmom.
Feeling virtuous from all the work she is putting into dating the man who’s good for her rather than the man she sparks with, Xo sees no problem ragging on Raf/”guys like that” when Jane opens up about her hesitation telling Rafael about her choice to not have sex. Xo’s continued attitude towards Raf is not the thing that Jane wants or needs, though—and not because she doesn’t value honesty (we all know and love that she does), but because he isn’t some guy; he’s the father of their baby. Xo allows for this, and promises to try harder to give him a chance.
(Default) Judgment Day
AKA, my favorite typewriter card this episode (next to “—-> CRATE GUY” of course). Jane is ready with hand sanitizer (kidding); Xo is ready with too few blouse buttons fastened (not kidding); Alba is ready with…prayer beads and pajamas. She is too nervous to go, so Jane kisses her goodbye and flies to the courthouse. There, the Solano Lawyer (YALE LAW SCHOOL) is totally dismissive of Jane’s lawyer (PASSED THE BAR) and demands another week to produce Luisa before any default judgment be passed. We don’t get a chance to hear how well the lawyer who passed the bar can argue this, however, because, like a candle in the dark, Luisa appears.
She is easy, she is breezy, she is golden and smiling like a goddamn sunflower. She was lost and wandering, but now she is here, ready to accept whatever punishment the judge deems necessary. Failing that (it fails; it’s not that kind of court day, Lu), she is here to answer the petition that she be here. It’s very zen. And also very simple: no default judgment today; everyone can go home.
In the hall, the Solano family+lawyer surround Luisa to get a real explanation for where she was. Rafael trekked all across Mexico looking for her! “Yes,” she nods, sad in the way you’re sad for a person who has done nothing but waste their own time through their own fault, “I was in Peru.” Not only in Peru, but on an ayahuasca retreat, with a shaman, vomiting up mistakes and figuring out that money—not addiction—is at the root of all her problems.
Well, you know, and also the accidental inesmination thing. And the sleeping with her stepmom thing. Which, beeteedubs, Lu, Rose super needs to talk to you about. And no: not to finally come clean so the two of you can share your love in the open and run away together. Luisa, dear, that was NEVER a thing. And probably you throwing ultimatums around will only end in heartache. SPOILER ALERT.
Committed. Is what happens. Solano family intervention after Rose goes for the pre-emptive strike and “comes clean” to Raf about Luisa’s DELUSIONS, and then being committed. Rose. You are a terrible person. Luisa. You are delusional, in your own way…maybe use your time in Radley Miami Psychiatric to learn a bit more about yourself without a shaman’s interference.
Oh Yeah…Michael
Also walking out of the courtroom into a hallway of awkward—although a hallway much less well lit and decorated than the one the Solanos are in—is Jane, who silently and super painfully passes Michael and Sourpuss partner Nadine on their way into the Sin Rostro evidence room. Seriously, Jane…why are you at the precinct? Is that particular outpost courthouse adjacent? Is Miami’s geography really as TARDISy as Rosewood’s?
Anyway, Nadine tries to check in with Michael’s emotions w/r/t Jane, to which he of course responds by diminishing her role in his life as . Michael! SHE WAS BEING NICE. STOP BEING A DICK.
Speaking of Michael being a dick, last episode’s Michael poll netted a win for another write-in, with “Just why? Who even cares. Raf” just barely edging out “SUPER UNWORTHY.” And since the masses have spoken, this week we will change the Michael poll to more BETS ON SIN ROSTRO’S IDENTITY, using the surprise suited man in the shipping crate (FOR REAL) as a cluuuuuuue: Who Do We Like for Sin Rostro Now?
- Serbian war criminal? It’s GOT to be Magda. 39.68% (25 votes)
- Serbian war criminal? It’s GOT to be Ivan the Hostage. 3.17% (2 votes)
- News about successful, secret plastic surgery recoveries in Rose’s special recovery spa? It’s GOT to be Rose. 15.87% (10 votes)
- News about successful, secret plastic surgery recoveries in Rose’s special recovery spa? It’s GOT to be Solano, Sr. 20.63% (13 votes)
- Venezuelan oil, hm, Alba? It’s GOT to be Alba’s husband’s brother (or brother’s son or nephew or whoever). 12.7% (8 votes)
- Petra/Natalia’s dad, obvs! 3.17% (2 votes)
- Some dude who LITERALLY has no face 3.17% (2 votes)
- Raphael’s mom 1.59% (1 votes)
I have my suspicions about who will win.
Xo, Ro and JUANES
Because Xiomara is nothing if not an optimist, she spent her afternoon just bopping down to Lachlan’s Marbella to see if the club had any openings she could fill with a set. And because Rogelio is nothing if not a cartoon of an optimist, he has followed her there to spy on possible Marco progress, and so is on hand to notice her Lemonade of Sadness after she is told that no, there are no openings to be filled. Xo thinks she’s back to square one, but Rogelio assures her she isn’t. And then, without her knowledge, he goes off and calls his good friend, ACTUAL MUSIC PRODUCER (not IRL actual), Elliot Lantana. Aka, Juanes. AKA, my college roommates’ obsession. E&L…if you two aren’t watching this show, I don’t even know what to say.
Lantana tells Xo that he heard her sing at the Marbella two weeks ago and wants to record a demo, which she obviously jumps at. After he interrupts her first take to explain that listening to her sing makes him wish he were singing so she needs to make him not wish that—and then interrupting himself to sing a version of that advice into his tape recorder as a song idea for later—he lets slip that he was happy to have Xo in because he’s happy to do a favor for any friend. Meaning, of course, Rogelio.
At first Xo is incensed (and kind of embarrassed) by this revelation. But after a second spark between her and Ro, and him explaining his intentions, she recognizes both how supportive and useful he is. And then invites him, along with Jane and Alba, to the hotel to hear her demo’s first airing. Because basically the hotel is the only place in all of Miami that the Villanuevas and telenovela star Rogelio de la Vega ever go.
Marbella Merry-Go-Round
Speaking of the only hotel in all of Miami, Rafael spends the majority of the episode trying, then failing, then trying again to get back into the business of running the Marbella, which position his father stripped from him after Petra and Lachlan revealed the fact that Rafael had underwritten Luisa’s insurance with his share and thus is risking 20% of the ownership transferring to A WAITRESS if Luisa doesn’t turn up. NIGHTMARE.
Now, you may be thinking that it is pretty unfair that Rafael is on the losing end of this situation. After all, he was raised by a father whose mantra is ‘family first,’ and has correctly interpreted that what that always means is, ‘Luisa first.’ And he PUT Luisa first! And Luisa knocked a girl up and split town! But Rafael, you see, had been misinterpreting his father all along, because for the Solanos, business is family (hmmm…like…DRUG business?), so really, family first means Marbella first. And then Luisa. So yeah, Raf, sorry. You’re SOL.
The two weeks Raf spent searching for Luisa didn’t buy him redemption, but Luisa reappearing does allow him to at least get his foot back in the pristine mirrored hotel doors, with his father offering him a job…under Lachlan’s supervision. And because Lachlan is a DICK (because, once upon a time, Rafael was a DICK), working for Lachlan means working for Petra, who “has connections in Miami” (she’s the only one) that can help fix the missteps Raf made (literally nothing in day-to-day business, which he was crushing).
Raf, justifiably, storms out. However, after his terrible dinner with Jane, worse night with what’s-her-face, and even worse follow-up with Jane the next morning, he realizes that he needs to get over himself and fight for what he wants—even if it means working with/for Petra.
Jane, the Virgin
The big story this week is obviously Jane finally telling Raf that she is a virgin, and both of them dealing with the fallout of his reaction. It doesn’t help that she is primed to take whatever he does poorly from just about every angle: Xo’s opinions, her own ambivalence about the nun’s misuse of her condition, Raf’s revelation that he stole Petra from Lachlan back when he was (as Petra so kindly put it at the top of the episode) a monster. So when it comes out at dinner (after a clueless but well meaning couple a few tables down sends over a plate of chips and dip), and Raf’s response is a thousand “Really?!?”s followed by two bolted down scotches, Jane is ready to throw in the towel.
As VoG points out, Michael didn’t react that way when Jane told him. But if we’re going to play that card, VoG, let’s compare reactions to Jane keeping the baby—Raf: joy and support; Michael: demanding she quit her job. And just about a billion other things. Whatever. Michael isn’t in the running here.
So Jane and Raf go their separate ways, trying to sort out what happened and why they reacted how they did. Jane texts him that she wants to talk, but Raf doesn’t answer because a wry blonde woman has obviously drugged him.
Also obviously, this is a gambit (on Petra’s part) to make Raf look like the monster he used to be, a fact that is hammered home when Jane is sent up to deliver room service to a (fictional but still creepy) guest who took a particular liking to her, but is really wry blonde woman’s room in which Raf is naked in the bed next to her. Jane, understandably, bolts (like a true pro, not spilling even a drop of those wretched mimosas).
Rafael, unable to explain to Jane what happened the night before because he can’t remember the night before, returns to the blonde stranger to demand answers. Surprising no one more than himself, the first answer he demands is, “why is my girlfriend on your necklace?” Blonde stranger, it turns out, is a very religious woman who needs something miraculous in her life and so totally believes in Jane. She is horrified by what this easy money job led to, and comes clean to both Raf and Jane—the latter who, proving she’s some kind of saint, even if not one of the immaculada variety, refuses to give the woman false hope about her miraculousness, but does offer a hug and a shared wish for the woman to get to see her son soon. ILU JANE.
Despite this particular knot being untangled, and in Rafael’s favor, Jane is hesitant to pick up where they left off. Her undercurrent of worries that they are just too different has bubbled to the surface and she isn’t sure she can tamp it back down. Proving that Michael did rub off on her, she explains to Raf that him fighting for her won’t work, because he has to learn to fight for what he wants. I mean, she doesn’t say THOSE words exactly, but she doesn’t not. She is clearly not listening to herself. A fact Raf realizes as soon as he has a chance to think about it, at which point he turns right back around and finds her at Xo’s demo premiere to, well, fight.
Jane is still hesitant, but then (with no hidden agenda) Raf lets slip his one remaining secret that, with him having underwritten Luisa’s loan, it was him she was suing all that time and he hadn’t told her because he didn’t want it to affect her decision. And Jane recalls the lesson in love her 10yo self learned from Alba (not the flower crushing one):
NEXT WEEK
It’s the winter finale! Lies! Secrets! Petra at the ultrasound! PAULINA RUBIO!
Guys, I honestly don’t know how the Jane team fits SO MUCH in to each hour. And I trained on PLL! PHEW. See you next week.
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
