Previously on The Originals: Hayley and Jackson have to get married, Davina tries to entrap Klaus, Marcel and Klaus torment Kol and Finn, Elijah is going insane, Rebekah is back, there’s yet another crazy Original witch wandering around out there, and much much more.
Elijah buttons up to get down.
The Original Dysfunctional Family Drama
Gah, it’s the midseason finale, but at least the show left us with a bang. (Heh. Heh heh heh.)
1914 New Orleans: Kol in a bowler (Kowler? I’ll show myself out) is on the hunt for the Paragon diamond, a huge, flawless, more powerful diamond for his weird witchcraft hobby. Kol leaves his witch friends to clean up after his heist, and as he strolls out, Klaus and Marcel – both in top hats and tails, HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO US ALL – stop him at the sidewalk. They relieve Kol of the diamond and use a more powerful witch to shut that house up – permanently. Kol ended up daggered, all because Rebekah tattled, which Koleb remembers only too well.
Present day: The Original family is all holed up in BFE, Arkansas, in a safe house. The Original Sommelier Rebekah presents Elijah with a delicious-sounding wine, but Elijah isn’t having it. He was supposed to protect Hope and Rebekah, and now he’s locked up in a house with a six-month-old baby and his concerned kid sister.
Rebekah wants to revive “an old family tradition,” bonfire night, which coincides with “fleeing from one of our deranged parents, another Mikaelson family tradition,” Elijah notes. This tradition includes writing a wish for each other and then throwing it into the fire.
Well, I, for one, wish for more Hope in The Originals, if only to see more scenes like the adorable reunion between her and her parents, to say nothing of Hayley reminding Klaus that she went through a horrific labor and actually died to produce Hope, so he had better do what she says. (I really love the way they banter.) Klaus, on the other hand, “wishes” for Hayley to tell Elijah that she’s marrying Jackson. Hayley’s death glare gives us all life.
When they light the bonfire, Rebekah pulls out a Polaroid camera and instructs Klaus to “cram them into” a selfie, which produces Klaus’ signature barely suppressed fury at having to live with such flighty and inferior creatures. Elijah notes that Klaus has centuries of experience cramming his siblings into confined spaces, and I wonder why these people can’t be MY in-laws.
Rebekah, touched by the analog selfie that has to be burned lest it fall into the wrong hands, offers to let Lesther body-jump her. She and Klaus take off to head Lesther’s evil plot at the pass.
And then it’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Hayley approaches Elijah and tells him that she has to marry Jackson in order to protect the city and make it safe for Hope to return home. Elijah, shocked, basically tears up, and as Hayley turns to leave, he grabs her and kisses the hell out of her. “Marry him,” he whispers, and along with Hayley, the entire audience yells, “WHAT?” THIS IS NO TIME TO BE NOBLE, ELIJAH.
I think he heard us, you guys! Because after he explains that the most important thing is for Hayley to be with her daughter, they start making out like horny teenagers. We’re talking jumping up, wrapping legs around Elijah’s waist, yanking his tie off and going at it on the table here. We’re talking about a well-deserved payoff for a season and a half of patience. Oh writers, you have to be cruel to be kind, don’t you.
There’s more show after this but do you really care?
Okay, okay. Meanwhile, Davina and Kol are trying to set up a plan to keep Lesther from jumping Rebekah into Human Cardboard Cutout Cami’s body while Marcel hovers. Cami makes Marcel wake Finncent up so she can try to convince him to stop his mother. He’s not having it, and points out that Cami doesn’t exactly belong on the high road herself. Another genius plan, which goes predictably down the tubes when Finncent is broken out by Mikael, sent by Lesther.
Kol offers to find a new body for Rebekah in exchange for the diamond from 1914. Giving Marcel and Klaus his word that he’s sincere, Kol takes the white oak stake and presents it to his mother. Rebekah listens to Lesther’s sales pitch over a glass of red wine (no timeshares were offered in the jumping of these bodies), and accepts the offer.
Cami and Rebekah both conk out at the same time, just as Klaus slips a knife into Lesther’s throat. Later, Lesther awakens – wait, what? Seems that Rebekah was two steps ahead of her demented mother and slipped vampire blood into Lesther’s wine. Oh snap!
Rebekah’s body remains untouched (yay, leaving the door open for Claire Holt to return!), but although Cami wakes up in her own body, Rebekah wakes up… in the body of one of the witches permanently shut up in the diamond-heist house. Koleb, you lilting-voiced little scamp.
DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNN.
Rebekah can't believe you're turning down the 2005 Bordeaux. And what is that on this table?
The Original Mythology
- Lesther had planned to destroy Rebekah’s body, so she couldn’t be put back in it.
- As a vampire, Lesther can’t practice magic, so she has a choice: be a vampire or die permanently.
The Original Body Count
- Mikael killed and maimed some werewolves.
The Original Elegant Uncle Elijah Ruined Suit Count: 3.5
- I don’t know, guys. Did Hayley pop a button or two there? I had better rewatch.
The Original WTF
- Did Cami seriously, seriously think that she could bargain with a centuries-old-vampire-turned-witch with mommy issues? Did she really think his crush was going to supersede his insanity? I know people sincerely like Cami and think she’s logical and smart, but I simply do not understand.
The Original Joseph Morgan Award For Tortured Hot People
TIE. Klaus with baby…
And Elijah/Hayley gettin’ it on!
Next episode: Finn goes from zero personality to emulating his deranged mother’s version, and it looks like she’s not going down without a fight, either.