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THIS WEEK’S MVP
This week, Emily is a stand-up friend, a fierce self-advocate, and a badass dancer. She trains for hours helping Hanna learn a dance for the pageant, and is staunchly on Hanna’s side when her coach gets mean. In her spare time, she examines her relationship with Talia, considers what she really wants, and confronts the situation with a level head.
Runner-up to Aria, who, despite the questionable wisdom of JUST PAW THROUGH EVERYTHING as her search tactic through the personal belongings of a possible A henchmAn, ends up pulling more than her fair share of investigAtion weight this week. Making up for lost time, we guess! #ApplauseEmoji
THIS WEEK’S LVP
Jonny/Toby/All of Spencer’s Boyfriends. Jonny, for constantly undermining everything Spencer wants and likes and does, and somehow in the process convincing her to commit several more felonies. Toby, for doing his “job” so “well” that he couldn’t even have three seconds of a normal conversation with his (ex?) girlfriend. And, you know, the rest of them, just for completion’s sake. Wren is probably Big A, at this point.
BIGGEST SHOCK/BEST SURPRISE
We are not worthy.
BIGGEST NO-DUH
Mona went and Gone Girl-ed herself.
We repeat: we are not worthy.
THAT’S **MONA** FOLKS
Her idea of a cute little memento to leave for her loving boyfriend is a vial of her own blood.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Someone stole the Liars’ (minus Em’s) blood, and Mike was NEAR the blood fridge at the blood drive, and they don’t know why, and they don’t know why he’s visiting Ali in prison, and they don’t know why he’s meeting Cyrus in the woods with big wads of cash. And if they stopped there, just listing all the things they don’t know, they’d be good! But no: they did Liar Logic and have landed on MIKE IS WORKING FOR A(li). Also Hanna got into a ton of great schools that her jackass dad won’t pay for, even though he is paying for her jackass stepsister to go to Dartmouth. Emily’s new crusher is married, to A MAN. And another man, Hot Andrew (Spencer’s old trivia rival/Aria’s new tutor), followed the girls into the woods on their Cyrus stakeout and ruined any possibility of them uncovering any new facts by playing the overprotective alpha male. Spencer’s new barn dweller is an insufferable hobo artist who tricked her into doing vandalism on the Hollis campus. Oh, and Mona died, which we know because of the VAST AMOUNT of blood sprayed all over the scene of the crime, even though her body was NEVER FOUND.
THIS WEEK
Smells Like Teen Spirit Liars’ Summit
Since for sure absolutely Mike is Ali’s At-lArge, blood-steAling henchmAn, the opening of this week’s episode finds the four Liars pawing through his disaster of a teen boy bedroom, looking for vials of blood and/or large sums of cash and/or fancy morse code jewelry. Predictably, they mostly just find sweaty gym socks and jock itch ointment. We would not touch a teen boy’s bedroom with a seven hundred foot pole. Hanna gets distracted by the super expensive free weight set-up Mike’s got going on, unable to figure out why he’s training to be a ninja (answer: TEEN WOLF), but everyone else is on task, because, in case you didn’t hear any of them the first dozen times, MIKE IS WORKING FOR A.
Spencer is about to lay her hands on the energy drink hiding that vial of blood we saw last week when Aria finds something even more* exciting hidden in a dirty sock and makes the other girls stop what they are doing to come look. It is a silver ball and chain necklace that, according to Spencer’s handy Morse code translation app, spells out “I’m with you.” And because Mike is only an amateur cyber terrorist, he has kept the receipt, which shows a bafflingly recent shipping date.
“Probably he is leaving candy and buying gifts for Mona because she faked her own death and he has been helping her all along,” we work out at home. “Probably he is ALI’S BOYFRIEND NOW AND DOING EVERYTHING SHE SAYS” Liar Logic™ works out on the show.
Okay, girls. Go with that for awhile. Good luck.
*because she is the one who found it, is why more
The Opposite of a Meet-Cute
Emily shows up at Ezra’s Books n RareBrew Bonanza and finds Talia already there, chatting on the phone with Pam Fields, her new BFF. “Didn’t… she want to talk to me?” Em asks. “I mean, I can’t actually recall the last time I saw her…” “Nope, we were just gabbing! You know how friends are!” says Talia. Yes, we always make a point of making close personal friends with our significant other’s parents. It’s just good manners. And speaking of significant Other, Emily brings up the Husband in the room. “Nah, don’t even stress,” Talia says. “Our relationship right now is just between you and me!” “And…your husband.” Three’s a crowd, is Em’s point, Talia (and Show). Pick up on it already.
So, of course, when a skinny twentysomething man comes into the Lil RareBrew Of Horrors later, it’s Eric, Talia’s husband, there to check out his competish. “I’m totally cool,” he says to Emily. “Talia explained all about how you’re just a phase she has to go through, like the time she was really into feather extensions, only this time with dating girls. Aren’t I cool? I’m such a Cool Husband, and besides, I’ve been with Talia since the dawn of time, and at the end, when all the fads have faded to dust, and dust is all that remains, still I will be there, abiding, being Talia’s husband.” Emily is used to dumb white dudes pontificating in this coffee shop (after all, she works for Ezra), but even this is too much.
The next morning, Emily pops on over to the Marin Mansion for a full Marin Breakfast Spread/to wait for Hanna to get ready for #GlassSlipper dance rehearsal. While she waits, Emily asks Relationship Queen Ashley Marin if she thinks it ever makes sense to get into a relationship you know is doomed to end, even if it’s really great in individual moments. “Are you asking about me… or you?” Ashley asks. “Just a completely random hypothetical I just thought of, for fun, for a friend!” Emily replies. Ashley’s hypothetical advice is that, hypothetically, you shouldn’t date someone if you don’t see a future with them. While we don’t necessarily agree with this advice in every situation (sometimes casual dating is okay, if you are okay with it!), the spirit of her advice, for Emily, is good. And thus, Ashley earns her keep as the Only Rosewood Parent Physically Appearing In This Episode.
After dance rehearsal, on a tip from her BFF Pam Fields, Talia stalks Emily at the school. “Why are you upset?” Talia asks. “Did Ezra find out about us?” Ezra is dead to us, Talia, keep up. And no, it’s a different vaguely creepy adult man loitering around. You know, your lawfully wedded. Who is under the impression that Em is a phase. Emily lays it out straight to Talia, and she is one hundred percent correct here: “There are now three people in this relationship. And you have lied to each one.”
Look at that! A teenage girl being the responsible one, who would have thought! (Us. We would have thought. Every single time, in every single interaction between any teenage girl and any adult in Rosewood, we would have thought.)
Of course, now we are scared that since Emily said the right thing and made what is probably the best choice for her,the writers will put Talia in A’s crosshairs and trigger Em’s DEFEND EVERYONE mode. Also, Talia is probably working for A. Eric, too. Why not.
Pretentiousness, Thy Name is Jonny Montgomery*
While Emily is taking Talia/Eriic/Mike’s measures at RareBrew, Spencer is starting her day out with Hobo Artist Jonny over at Hollis, where he maybe knows a guy who knows a guy at Oxford? That is an even worse connection to try to grab hold of than Probably-A Wren via Probably-Dead Melissa, Spencer. C’mon.
Also baffled by Spencer’s Jonny-proximate idiocy is Toby, who is on campus picking up class schedules for Jenna on his dad’s behalf. “I am a pretentious jerk,” Jonny literally says to Toby after spouting off some nonsense in Italian (“chi ama, crede,” or, he who loves, trusts…jackass). “I can never see you again,” Toby does not but might as well literally say to Spencer immediately thereafter. “COPS, man,” Jonny tsks, shaking his head at Toby’s retreating back. “AUTHORITY. Amirite?”
“Well,” Spencer says, mistaking Jonny for one of those people who likes to have an actual dialogue, “This isn’t ABOUT you, Jonny [her actual words]. Toby is really just caught up in the eternal struggle to do what is right in a world in which there just ISN’T a right, because the world we live in is full of a billion shades of grey and also a billion cyber terrorists at least some of whom are probably my best friends and the other half of whom are the very cops he works with, so, you know, his general grumpiness is to be–“
But Jonny stopped listening even before Well, because he saw something shiny in a window. His graffiti. His and Spencer’s graffiti. In frames. In an art gallery. For sale.
For real that is shady, and we are totally interested in the murky morality and economics of selling found art, but DUDE. Jonny is the worst. Spencer. RUN AWAY.
Spencer doesn’t run away. She gets all up in the smarmy curator’s grill right alongside Jonny, then offers to be his getaway driver (and lock-picker, and wire-cutter, because Jonny is not only the worst, he’s also incompetent at crime) when he goes to “retrieve” his artwork that night in a heist that is so outlandishly idiotic that it felt like a real-life Scooby Doo cartoon.
Anyway, Cop Toby pulls up to the getaway van when they stop for gas like five minutes post-heist, all bright flashlight beam and stern cop script.
Spencer: How are you here!
Toby: Well you only broke into a public building through the front door, under the light of four street lamps, two porch lights, and ALL the interior gallery lights, cutting the wires of paintings displayed prominently in wide open windows while literal hordes of pedestrians were passing by, and you set off the alarm, so…
Spencer: Can you stop being a cop for like TWO MINUTES??
Toby: THAT IS NOT HOW BEING A COP WORKS.
Spencer: …
Toby: THAT IS NOT HOW ME BEING A COP WORKS.
Jonny, handcuffed in the back of Toby’s cruiser: AUTHORITY, man. Amirite?
And then Toby says a hundred times precisely what we have been screaming at Spencer all along: walk away. Also that Tanner is still interested in Spencer, and interested in exploiting Toby’s relationship with Spencer, but mostly he just says over and over and over, walk away. And eventually, Spencer does. Toward whatever random woods are out behind the gas station. Which are probably the same woods Aria has spent all night scaling, tbh. Because Rosewood is one block long and one block wide and infinite only in terms of time.
Later that night, after Veronica bails and then kicks Jonny out (“I don’t know her at all!” Spencer exclaims, shocked. “YOU MUST HAVE A HEAD INJURY” we exclaim right back), Jonny tries some more mind magic on Spencer about her future and living for her or something pretentious in German or whatever. TBH, we couldn’t be bothered to pay attention. We wish we could have been equally not bothered to pay attention to him kissing her on his way out the door, but alas. We saw it. It was terrible. He is terrible. Good riddance, Jonny.
Walk back, Spencer. Walk back to the light.
*Get it? Because everything is all about him.
Step Up 5B: Hanna Gets Angry
Hanna is still committed to entering that Cinderella Promotional Tie-In Pageant she learned about last week. Caleb thinks it’s ridiculous, but Hanna has her eyes on the prize: money for college, and an escape from Rosewood.
We’re so proud of Hanna, guys. Two or three years ago, she would have probably only entered a beauty pageant because Alison forced her to, as a way to psychologically torture a girl with a fragile body image and a desire to please. But today, she can get up there and do a pretty inappropriate-for-a-pageant badass rage dance, just because she wants to make money for college. For herself. And she’s been able to become this Hanna—this badass, book-reading, risk-taking, literal ass-kicking, rage-facing Hanna—because Alison left. And because Mona had confidence in her. And, importantly, because her friends had her back, unconditionally.
So, she’s determined, and determinedly goes to a meeting with a syrupy blonde pageant coach who is basically just CeCe Drake in 30 years. “What’s your talent?” the coach asks. Instead of answering, “Kicking the patriarchy in the literal balls,” or “Sticking up for my friends and myself,” Hanna hems and haws before going with “Dancing!” which seems to mollify the coach.
Hanna quickly enlists Emily “I’ve been dancing forever, this is not brand new information” (okay) Fields for help, and the two retire to the dance studio in Rosewood High (sure) and get their pointy-kicky-twerk on. Caleb, devastatingly, has to watch these two extremely beautiful ladies dance around for most of the episode (his only job in Hanna’s story this week is to BRING HER A SANDWICH). It must be very hard to be him. He does get to serve a secondary function, though, when he shows Hanna who else is on the signup sheet for the pageant: None other than the Evil Stepsister herself, Kate. Hanna flips. First her dad, then her dignity, then her college money, now her college money again via a contest of beauty and poise?? Bitch has gone TOO FAR.
Hanna lets this rage propel her dance training, intensifying her work with Emily in a push to make the dance perfect to show Coach Barbie in two hours. And when the coach shows up, and Em and Hanna perform, the Incredible Hanna Hulk awakens for real.
(Also, actual LOL at Emily’s obvious horror in the fuzzy background.)
“That was… revealing.” Coach Barbie says, before crushing Hanna by telling her she’s just… not cut out for pageants. She doesn’t want it enough, and—basically—she’s too kick-ass. That second part is subtext, though, and the first part is enough to cut straight to Hanna’s frustrated, determined heart. She storms out, but lingers outside the door just in time to hear the coach insult her even further, and then offer to make Emily a star. Emily just looks at her in disgust. “I only came here to help a friend,” she says. “And also, you’re a horrible monster!” She runs out, but it’s too late: Hanna’s fled.
When Emily finds Hanna at the Marin house later, Hanna’s eating cold pizza out of the fridge. Emily reminds Hanna that Hanna is amazing, and that the coach is a terrible monster. Then Ashley helpfully pops in to say that she talked to Hanna’s dad, and Kate isn’t entering the pageant, and in fact isn’t even in Pennsylvania right now. Hanna’s still pissed, and sad, so it seems like a good time for our friendly neighborhood psychopath to say hello.
Cruel.
Hanna says that A/Ali/Mike/Whoever are just trying to keep them all in Rosewood forever. (There’s a horror movie for you). But it’s working: without college money, how can Hanna leave? “I’LL enter the pageant for you!” Emily jumps into the fray, proving once again that she’s the very very best and everyone else can just go home. “A can come after me any day of the week, anytime, anywhere.”
See, Talia? This is why you can’t just get into a casual relationship with Emily Fields. That girl will build you a house and win you a prize and even stab a guy to make you happy and keep you safe. She doesn’t play halfway.
Aria Does an Investigation!
While Mike is off menacing Emily for multiple coffees before RareBrew is even technically open (her text to the other Liars: “Mike is acting even scarier than normal!!!” OKAY), Aria welcomes Hot****** Andrew back into her home for another round of pre-SCAD studying. The topic this week? The Trial of the Century. AKA, the 1907/1908 trial(s) of Harry Thaw for the murder of Stanford White over the virtue of America’s first sex symbol, Evelyn Biscuit.
“NESBIT, Aria,” Andrew corrects her. “Evelyn NESBIT.”
It’s okay, Aria. We know how strongly you associate pastries with violence-adjacent affairs between wealthy old art patrons and pretty young ingenues. We understand.
This is an amazing bit of history to weave into the show’s background, and not only for its timing wrt Ali’s upcoming Trial of (Rosewood’s) Century. As Andrew points out, Thaw was the first person to use insanity as a successful defense, ending up in a mental institution rather than jail (like Mona at the end of season 2). His trial—and Evelyn’s public image—cause such a media frenzy that some terms used specifically for the trial are still common today (“brainstorm” and “come up to see my etchings,” as a sex euphemism). “Immortality, my darlings,” as Ali would say. And Thaw himself was seen as a hero by the public (as Mona hopes to eventually be) for taking down White, who eventually was proven to have seduced and spoiled many more underage girls (LIKE EVERY MAN IN ROSEWOOD).
Anyway, hopefully Aria remembers not to write “Biscuit” on her history test next week. Fingers crossed.
So, while they are studying, Mike stalks his way back through the front door, goes to his room, sees the very obvious mess the Liars left there, and explodes.
“You going to be okay?” Andrew asks, unwitting of the fact that Aria has been stuffed in a box with a dead guy, Misery-ed by her dad’s crazy co-ed ex, and oh yeah, has shot a stalker off a stage and lived to tell about, so yes, will definitely be okay. Still, if he’s OFFERING… “Could you maybe follow him to the gym for me and see what he’s up to?” she asks.
Sure, Aria. Okay.
So Andrew Scooby Doos his way around town, following Mike to the gym and to the Beacon Hills bus depot and to the woods behind Mona’s house, where Mike REALLY STEALTHILY leaves a bright foil packet in a very obvious tree hole while Andrew REALLY STEALTHILY looks on.
“The woods behind Mona’s, you say,” Aria muses as they debrief at Lucky Leon’s Cupcakery an hour later. “Thanks dude. I got it from here.” “Ummmmm I don’t feel safe letting you go after him alone, or frankly going HOME alone,” Andrew replies, oozing his Rosewood Alpha Male idiocy from his very pores. Look: we can understand how you might be confused about Aria’s ability to take care of herself, given the fact that she is all of a foot tall and wearing a dress held together in back by nothing but a star, but considering the fact that every capable crime and act of self defense in this town has been perpetrated by girls younger and even clever than her, you should know better. Also, see Ian, Garrett, Wilden, Original Jason, etc. and save yourself.
“Also, my dad will be home tonight from Syracuse.” This is a lie. Byron Montgomery is a figment of the Montgomery children’s imaginations. But still, Andrew lets Aria go (after promising eye-rollingly that he will “always be here for you”), and she proceeds to spend approximately twelve hours scaling the single tree that Mike could reach from the ground.
Unsurprisingly, Mike finds her. Unsurprisingly, the foil packet is holding the vial of blood he’d earlier been hiding in the much cleverer and much more temperature-controlled energy drink can in his mini fridge.
“WHY DO YOU HAVE MY BLOOD” Aria shouts, holding the vial above his head. “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING” Mike shouts back, jumping to try to grab it from her. “I BET THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE TOLD EVELYN BISCUIT” Aria shouts back. “THAT MAKES NO SENSE” Mike exclaims. And then he tells her the blood is Mona’s, and then she drops it on the tree stump, where it shatters. And then she runs away to her car to escape Mike, who she is certain will kill her. And then she gets home and screams for her dad to come down to be a buffer between her and Mike in their little sibling spat. But, no surprise, Byron isn’t there. Because he doesn’t exist.
And then Mike comes home.
And then our dreams come true.
“Mona had a plan, Aria!” Mike explains, tears welling in his eyes. She had been saving her own blood for weeks (that bandaid on her arm after she fainted at choir practice, remember??) at Big A’s command, as part of a scheme to fake her murder and frame Alison for it. If Mona proved herself, she’d FINALLY get to meet Big A (remember her impassioned pleas to Spencer and Toby at the A-frame cabin before Big A/Melissa & Shana SET IN ON FIRE??)! And then she could take that person down, make up for all her mistakes with the Liars, free Alison, and be a hero!
“Only, she hasn’t made any of the meetings we were supposed to have,” Mike finishes, crying openly. “You think A…double crossed her,” Aria works out. “And actually DID murder her.” Mike nods. “Well fuck.” And then they hug.
Top. Notch. Acting. From both of them.
Liars Summit: Blood Brother
And so Aria finally has something useful to tell the rest of the Liars. Mike had been talking to Ali only to try to figure out if she knew anything about A that could help him find Mona, but all he got out of her was how to contact Cyrus, who told him that he’d been paid by Big A to get Ali out of town the night of Mona’s murder. And they collectively realize that 1) Mona trusted Mike A LOT to tell him all this stuff about A, and 2) that they were instrumental in screwing Ali over, and that they need to finally face her, and try to apologize.
And as they try to work out just how to do that, outside Spencer’s windows, A lurks…
A (dbag) tag
Noel Kahn wants to kill Mike Montgomery! At least, that’s what we’re taking away from A pausing in their attack on Mike’s free weight rack to quick pump some (5lb) iron. A douchebag by any other name…
NEXT WEEK
No one, not even the promo-makers, cares about next week. #BigAReveal in four!
About the Contributor:
Catie grew up in Denver, Colorado, where she often stayed up past her bedtime reading with a flashlight and once sent homemade Hogwarts acceptance letters to her friends. Now an adult, she still loves books and TV meant for teens, but is grateful to no longer have a bedtime.
