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Teen Heartthrob Madness: Bop, Round One

It only gets harder from here, folks.

Teen Heartthrob Madness: Bop, Round One

Welcome to the second day of Teen Heartthrob Madness! Before we get to the voting, I have a quick call to make.

Ring ring!
1994 Sarah: Hello?
Me: Hey, girl, it's your adult self!
1994 Sarah: Whoah! Weird!
Me: I know, right?
1994 Sarah: Are you calling from, like, a hologram phone?
Me: Uh, no.
1994 Sarah: Please tell me that you're riding a hoverboard while making this call.
Me: Nope, sorry.
1994 Sarah: But... you're totally married to Keanu Reeves, right?
Me: Well, no, BUT... I did meet him!
1994 Sarah: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Me: Right?!!! LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF US.

1994 Sarah: I AM TOTALLY HAVING A COW RIGHT NOW.
Me: Yeah, it was pretty much the best day of our life. So anyway, I'm calling because I want to thank you.
1994 Sarah: Okay? For what?
Me: Well, you know how you spend so much time meticulously decorating your locker? And perusing all of those magazines for the perfect picture of Devon Sawa or our boy Keanu?
1994 Sarah: It's only, like, the most important prep you can do for school. Besides summer reading, obvs.
Me: Riiiight. God, we're such a nerd. ANYWAY. I want to thank you. Because I just spent the last hour scouring the internet--
1994 Sarah: What's the internet?
Me: Um, you'll hear about it soon. But it will be called AOL. ANYWAY. I just wanted thank you for honing your skills of hotness research, because they came in handy just now. Like, I think I just put together some straight up MASTERPIECES of teen idol photos. You should see these images I just mashed up of Patrick Swayze and Rider Strong.
1994 Sarah: Whoah, that sounds weird.
Me: You're the one who stays home on Friday night to watch X-Files!
1994 Sarah: Oooh, since you're in the future, can you tell me if Scully and Mulder ever get together?
Me: Errr, I gotta go. There's people reading this right now that just want to get their g-d vote on for March Madness.
1994 Sarah: Did you just use a curse word?!!! I'm so telling Mom!
Me: BYE NOW.

Okay, that's done! Here’s the interactive Bop bracket:

Now let's rock the vote, y'all!

(1) Heath Ledger vs. (16) Harry Styles

I love you, Taylor Swift, but we all know that Heath, not Harry, will never go out of style.

(8) Jared Padalecki vs. (9) Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Dean tried to care about books, but at the end of the day, he was kind of a dolt. Meanwhile, Cameron learned French just to impress Bianca.

(5) Michael Schoeffling vs. (12) Harry Shum, Jr.

Harry was in the greatest dance movie ever made, Step Up 2: The Streets. But Michael was Jake Ryan. CHECKMATE.

(4) Keanu Reeves vs. (13) Orlando Bloom

Sure, Legolas is a magical elf, but did he ever stop a speeding bus or go undercover as a surfer named Johnny Utah? NO HE DID NOT.

(6) Prince William vs. (11) Darren Criss

Hey Darren, if I marry you, do I become a princess? No? Okay then I'M NOT INTERESTED.

(3) Johnny Depp vs. (14) Joey McIntyre

Johnny may be from 21 Jump Street, but I prefer the new kid on the block. (Please don't go giiiirrrrlllll.)

(7) Jordan Knight vs. (10) Nick Jonas

I admit, I was strongly swayed by certain photos of Nick Jonas. But as a scientist, I must stay true to the spirit of this competition and focus solely on the subjects as teens.

There was only one boy whose cardboard cutout I took a photo with at Astroworld back in 1988*, and considering that Nick was only four years old at the time, I think you know who I'm talking about.

*If Jordan doesn't get voted out this round, I'll ask my parents to find this photo.**

**Does this count as bribery? OBVIOUSLY.

(2) Patrick Swayze vs. (15) Rider Strong

SORRY RIDER.

Check back tomorrow and Thursday for the rest of the matchups, then be sure to cast your votes for the entirety of Round One by this Saturday (March 7) at midnight. We’ll post the results on Sunday.

Anyone crusin' for a bruisin' want to accuse me of being biased in the comments? Let's do this!

Posh Deluxe's photo About the Author: Sarah lives in Austin, TX, where she programs films at the Alamo Drafthouse. Sarah enjoys fancy cocktails, dance parties and anything that sparkles (except vampires).