About:
OOF. Plot-heavy episodes are rough recap work, friends. Sorry for the midnight release!
THIS WEEK’S MVP
Weirdly… Ezra? But also Emily.
Plus ten points to Ezra for using his “research” expertise to **openly** investigate an aspect of the Liars’ hellscape and accompanying them in pursuit of the shady lawyer; minus a billion for having that “expertise” in the first place.
Plus ten points to Emily for hotfooting her way through the security gate and getting some real (“real”; it’s a pizza receipt) intel on Varjak; minus a billion for treating Ezra’s book research as anything other than the heinous stalking it was/treating Aria like a real monster for pursuing any kind of romantic entanglement with someone other than Ezra.
THIS WEEK’S LVP
Caleb (sorry bae), for not once in four seasons thinking to use his hacker skills to make indelible back-up proof of the Liars’ cyber bullying. You’re the computer guy bent on protecting Hanna, dude. YOU HAD ONE JOB.
Runner-up: JANEL PARRISH, for being listed as being in this episode, but never showing up.
BIGGEST SURPRISE/BEST SHOCK
#EndOfEzria? Nealan with a gun? One had us throwing our hands to the heavens in praise, the other had at least one of us bark laughing in surprise. Since Ezria will only ever truly be over when the network itself is lying cold in the Hastings’ backyard, let’s call it a toss-up.
BIGGEST NO-DUH
The Remote Admin remotely deleting all the A text-threats the girls ever got ever. NO DUH A was going to pull that crap. NO FRIGGIN DUH.
THAT’S ALI, FOLKS
Girl has a spine of plati.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
A saddled Hanna with a storage unit full of bloody evidence bags from Mona’s murder investigation and also a barrel full of acid/probably body parts, which Hanna got THIS CLOSE to personally hauling away in an effort to save her own body parts, only to be foiled by that pesky sleuthing power team, Detective Tanner and Officer Toby. Not to be outdone by A, Mona (ostensibly) left behind a packet of specific instructions to a cache of Ali-incriminating evidence, to be delivered to Hanna by Rosewood’s only non-Hastings lawyer in the event of Mona’s demise. The lawyer delivered it to her at Christmas, because that’s festive. Aria kissed Andrew, who’d proven his worth by helping her with her twisted ankle/lurking in her bushes for multiple hours in the dark. Spencer flew to London to stay with “Melissa” and “Wren” while she interviewed at Oxford, and was instead greeted by a complete stranger who immediately set about pontificating to her—using every Most British term possible—about how to live her best life. The Liars all though Ali was A and Cyrus and Mike were working for her, only Ali paid Cyrus to have Mike pay Cyrus to tell Mike that Ali wasn’t A because the real A also paid Cyrus to get Ali out of town the night of Mona’s murder. So Ali/Cyrus can’t be A, and also Cyrus should be a millionaire by now? But instead he is wrapped head-to-toe in gauze in the burn unit, because A/”Varjack” ran him down and set him on fire or something. Aria and Hanna figured out Varjack=Varjak=the Breakfast at Tiffany’s reference Ezra talked so fondly of Ali being obsessed with/the Holly Varjak passport that Hanna found in the evidence cache Mona’s Christmas instructions led her to. Cyrus was probably killed by the real A/Varjak, in the meantime, who had been waiting patiently in a nearby gurney in the burn unit for like, days, for his opportunity to smother the dude. And since now Mike is the only one who knows (“knows”) the Truth According to Cyrus about where she was the night of Mona’s murder (/Mona’s secret plan to fake her own death), she’s gotta tell her lawyers…
THIS WEEK
Here is another way that RIGWBFB is ruining lives: by locking Spencer in an abandoned London flat with ultra-patronizing English NPH, we are deprived of the traditional top-of-the-episode Liars’ Summit. What are we supposed to do without a very thorough rundown of every plot point that has happened to each of the Liars in the past twenty-four (show) hours?? (No, for real—we don’t know what to do. Half the things that happened this week made no sense; we put significant blame on the lack of the Liars’ Summit.)
As always when the structure the Liars have built their lives around falls apart, enter Alison, stage right…
Pleas and (No) Thank You
Alison is meeting with her lawyer, Ross’s girlfriend Julie from season two of Friends. Ross’s girlfriend Julie from season two of Friends gives Ali the scoop: If she goes to trial and is found guilty, she’s in for life without parole. And unfortch for her, if they call in Cyrus as her alibi and say, as Ali does, that he set her up by getting her out of town that day (which he presumably did), then they’ll ask about that time she accused him of kidnapping her (which he didn’t exactly) and one lie piles up on top of the other, and the jury won’t believe a damn thing she says because she is literally a walking bundle of blood and lies (and attitude…and secrets). BUT, she’s in for 15 years with a plea bargain if she admits guilt AND names her accomplice (rimshot, canned laughter—this is Ali, lawyer lady!)—and she could get out in 10 for good behavior! Great, that means at least 75 more seasons for us to watch!!!!!!
Either way, the cops are already putting together a case against who they think was her accomplice: Hanna.
CSI: Rosewood (WOULD WATCH)
Veronica Hastings goes over to Marin Mansion to tell Ashley the news. Yes—you read that right: TWO PARENTS IN ONE ROOM
Veronica tells Ashley about the case against Hanna, and how it’s based largely on her barrel-adjacent activities. Tanner has CSI-ed the barrel, and although the “bone fragments were too small to get any DNA out of” (DNA IS TINY but you know what, we can’t imagine that the Rosewood CSI is anything but incredibly professional and efficient and accurate at their jobs, so fine) they think the barrel is a barrel-o-Mona. Mama Marin doesn’t buy it—she reminds Veronica that Hanna and Ali are not even speaking. But Veronica’s got news for her: Hanna has visited Ali in prison! TWICE. Damn that prison log, ruining alibis all over town!
Not surprisingly, Hanna overhears every word of this. She is a super sleuth, remember. Also, when Veronica asked if they were safe from eavesdropping teens, Ashley told Veronica TO HER FACE that Hanna was right upstairs in that very house before Veronica started spilling all the beans anyway. Ugh, PARENTS, right? They just don’t get it.
London Calling
There are just not enough good place inside a flat to hang a bunch of UK flags/park a fleet of bright red double deckers, so the show makes it clear to us viewers that Spencer is in London by blaring loopy British emergency siren after loopy British emergency siren from the street. It’s like when all the colors got filtered out of the frame whenever the girls went to Raven5wood, and they all got murders of ravens draping their shoulders like anthropomorphic capes of death. Gotta set the stage.
Also like in Raven5wood, there is a ghost here. It is Melissa-shaped. It is telling Spencer that it would be really sad if Spencer changed back the flight home that Veronica changed to later in the week, because A) Veronica’s friend snagged her a last-minute interview up at St. Andrews, and it would suck for Spencer to miss that, plus B) the Melissa-ghost barely even got a chance to SEE Spencer on this whirlwind trip of hers!
“AND WHOSE FAULT IS THAT,” Spencer says with her eyes, while her mouth says, “I don’t care about St. Andrews; my Oxford blood bath was embarrassing enough for one college tour weekend, thank you. Also my friends need me, and ALSO Toby exists, probably, though I wouldn’t know because he became a cop to protect me and I keep breaking the law right under his nose and just, his job is ruining our relationship.”
“Sometimes relationships run their course and you just need distance to see it,” ghost Melissa says. “Which is why I am currently living with Wren.” But for real, Spence, ghost Melissa is so happy to be away from the Rosewood drama. Just so happy she got to start over with a clean slate. You think about that clean slate, Spence. You’ll be seeing a lot of it on your phone by the time the episode is over.
Be The Emily You Want To See In The World
At school Aria and Emily find an empty classroom and settle down for an argument about what their next investigative step should be. Emily is on the side of “follow leads.” Aria is on the side of “argue with everything Emily has to say.” It’s a bum role, but someone’s got to do it.
Emily: Ali said she doesn’t know anyone named Varjak! She wouldn’t lie; her life is on the line.
Aria: She is more lie than human. Don’t buy it. Also, so is Mike’s life. No.
Emily: Well then we need to talk to Cyrus! You know—the lead you tracked down? IF Varjak paid him to set up Ali, then he MAY know who Varjak/A is!*
Aria: No dice. According to the hospital, Cyrus had a “setback” and is in the ICU. I feel no personal guilt over having possibly been the trigger of this, nor any niggling suspicion that it might have been the result of foul plAy.
Emily: Then maybe Mike SHOULD go to the cops!
Aria: And end up in jail with Ali??? HA.
Emily: Unlike you, I one thousand percent read foul plAy in the Cyrus-ICU news, so, jail seems better than the alternative.
Aria: My brother is moving to Beacon Hills to become a werewolf. He’s not going to end up in jail OR the ICU. These are all moot points.
Emily, at her literal wit’s end (literally-literally—there is no wisdom OR humor in what she offers next): Then…then maybe we need to go to Ezra** and see if any of his book research*** might have anything about Varjak.****
Aria: //crickets//
*these conditionals are important as counterbalance to the extreme form of Liar Logic™ Emily employs in Act 3.
**nightmare
***stalking notes
****that one persuasive male character from that one book that which Ali’s obsession with we only know of BECAUSE OF EZRA’S SECRET RELATIONSHIP WITH HER BEFORE HE MET ANY OF US
And then the bell rings and a bunch of strangers wander into the room and surround them (take their seats) and the girls are faced with another assAult (told to open their French books). Faîtes attention, mesdemoiselles!
After class, Emily tries to talk Hanna down from her freak out about what she overheard her mom and Veronica discussing w/r/t to her imminent incarceration, but Aria interrupts them with the news that (someone?) called her to say Ali is almost certainly going to take the plea bargain/dime out Hanna, so all Emily’s efforts are for nought.
We are going to believe that it is this string of failures that lead Emily to being so un-Emily later, when she becomes the naysayer to Aria’s insistence that they tell Spencer what’s going on, St. Andrews interview or no, and when she side-eyes Aria’s confession about kissing age-appropriate(ish) Andrew so hard we thought her eyes were going to pop out of her skull.
“But what about Ezra??” she glares, (hopefully) unaware of the words that are even coming out of her mouth. “WHAT ABOUT EZRA.”
Better Call Ezra
Emily makes good on her threat thought of checking in with Ezra about his “book research” after school. He for REAL never saw the name Varjak in his “research,” he says. “I would remember that name.” Yeah. We know. “Well,” Emily presses, “all the stuff the Christmas lawyer gave Hanna was a setup, from Mona or from A or from whomever, and we need to figure something out, because Hanna could be convicted. Or me, or Spencer. Or ARIA.”
Emily, stop. If Ezra cared about any of you HE would go to the cops with his literal years of hard-copy evidence about Ali’s disappearance/you girls’ cybertorture. As much as you hope he might have a scrap of info that might break your current scrap of evidence open, he for real has British metric tonnes of evidence that would put major wrenches in the works of all cases against Ali/Hanna/Mike/Mona/Melissa/Ashley/Aria/CeCe/Tippi/Pepe. But that would mean him going to jail, so. Don’t bother expecting any help from him, at all.
“I do feel like I remember seeing that name of Mona’s lawyer, though,” Ezra pipes up, helpfully. “Nealan? We could totally follow up on that.”
And so he does. Just rolls right into Rosewood’s only other lawyer’s office and spends several billable hours amiably discussing franchising possibilities for the RareBrew Lolita Book & Candy Emporium Cafe Co. that has only been in operation for weeks. Then with almost no preamble, or any explanation of who he is to be demanding such information, Ezra turns on the crazy eyes and threatens Nealan to spill the beans about who hired him to use Mona’s name to set the Liars up, or Ezra will call the cops on him!!
Unsurprisingly, this tactic doesn’t work. Also unsurprisingly, Nealan doesn’t take Ezra or the teen girls whose innocence he was trying to represent seriously enough to suspect that they might be waiting on the sidewalk to watch how he reacts to Ezra’s shakedown. They are. Nealan races to his car, already on the phone, and drives off. And Aria, still in her Ezra-free Best Self mode, is the first with enough presence of mind to race back to Em’s car to follow.
Patriarchy in the UK
Remember Jonny F*cking Raymond? Now, we’re not exactly saying we want him back, but…we mean…he at least was obviously the worst and not someone Spencer Hastings was going to manage to put up with for much longer than a month. English NPH (the walking British slang thesaurus) is the insidious kind of worst who APPEARS like he is kind of the best. And sure enough, just in time to interrupt Spencer’s third re-packing of her suitcase, he appears in the doorway with the offer of two tickets to Hamlet at the RSC, that his “mate” just bailed on him for. And he’d TOTALLY be willing to share them with Spencer…if she buys him a pint first, wink wink, nudge nudge. But probably Spencer doesn’t even like Shakespeare, so…
Anyway, attending a production at the Royal Shakespeare Company is on Spencer’s bucket list, so, um, YES. “I-didn’t know eighteen year olds had bucket lists,” English NPH patronizingly teases, because Spencer is SO YOUNG and that is SO FUNNY AND CUTE. “Is that an American thing?” No, it is a perennial-victim-of-A thing, you arse.
Because Spencer shipped off to London in like three second, all she has along are interview clothes and running gear (a Liar’s always gotta keep her cardio level FIT). She turns to her sister ghost for some help, and Melissa comes through with a lovely burgundy dress that would look like/be lingerie on anyone else, but suits Spencer well.
“See,” Melissa says, laughing, “isn’t this what real sisters do? Shared clothes and makeup tips?” And hookups. Like Melissa hasn’t hit that tall glass of high English tea in the other room at least once, right? Melissa is fully ready to admit that their lifelong estrangeent has been her fault. At first she was protecting Spencer with that secret, then she was protecting herself. Spencer thinks she couldn’t have ever done it, if roles had been reversed, and Alexis honestly forgot the secret they both keep referring to until just now when she remembered that it is that Melissa who basically killed Bethany, in order to save Spencer’s mortal soul (/reputation). Whoops.
Anyway, theory: it’s not Bethany in that grave (despite the DNA test, because Ali and Mona already beat a thousand of those), but Sarah Harvey, that girl that HANNA’S SLEUTHING uncovered to have also disappeared that Labor Day weekend (this theory supported by some genius Instagram user deciphering the Varjak phone number as spelling SARAH HARVEY).
Flush from her sisterly success (and really excited about legally buying beer for the first time), Spencer isn’t even Spencer-enough after The Play that night to rain on her evening’s parade by admitting to English NPH how little she enjoyed the contemporary adaptation of the revenge story. “The sets were great! The lighting was great!” she chirps, channeling her best Liz Lemon. But she needn’t have worried—English NPH also thought it was “rubbish” and not his “cup of tea.” (We wish we’d started a drinking game for this slang, good lordt.)
“But for real,” Spencer ponders, “what if Hamlet had made it to England safely? Do you think he could have started over? Left all that darkness behind and made a life for himself?”
“If Melissa’s ghost can, you certainly can,” English NPH says, cheerfully. “Probably you could even do it without dying first!”
What follows looks suspiciously like a date. There’s more beer drinking. Darts. Competitive flirting. Barfing. (Oh wait, that was us.) Finally, Spencer leans in close to ask in her huskiest voice if he’d bought those tickets just for her. English NPH claims he had them already, but admits he WOULD’VE gotten them for her if he hadn’t. They almost kiss, then return to the dart game. Then return to the flat in the rain, where they FOR REAL kiss, and we FOR REAL pull half the muscles in our eyes from all the rolling.
Mama Bear Marin
Hanna tried to make it through a whole day of school, she really did. But between first period study hall, and second period courtyard panic attacks, and also the police building a murder case against her, it’s just not in the cards, you know? So she heads over to Caleb’s Ezra’s apartment, where Caleb reassures her that Tanner would have already arrested her if she really had evidence, and says he’ll ask Toby what else they know. He’s not taking no for an answer this time (*foot stomp*)!
We are sure he would, aherm, comfort her some more, but just then there’s a knock at Caleb’s Ezra’s door: it’s Ashley! And Hanna needs to come home. NOW.
Ashley is coming down hard on Hanna when they roll through the front door of Marin Mansion ten minutes later. This isn’t a game, Hanna! You need to tell Rosewood’s only capable parent what is going on! Hanna is very unwilling to say, but eventually she breaks down, and breaks it down: yes she was at the storage unit, because yes she thought she’d find Mona’s murder clothes and also maybe Mona’s murdered body and if she had, would have moved them all. Ashley’s hot take is priceless. “I didn’t kill her, Mom,” Hanna reassures her with a reassuring Hanna eye roll. “I just wanted to make sure that someone saw my actual face at the murder unit so I couldn’t reasonably claim ignorance of the whole deal, Mom, that’s Liar Logic tee em.” Okay she does not actually say that. But, honestly. “Anyway, whoever did kill Mona is framing me.” “Ali?” Ashley asks, reasonably. “NOT Ali,” Hanna says. Because everyone is 100% convinced by Mike’s testimony that it is definitely not Ali, even though they were 100% convinced that it WAS Ali like two episodes ago.
This is clearly too much conversation for a foyer, so Ashley moves them to the tea-laden kitchen table. Ashley is the real life praise hands emoji r/n. She tells Hanna she wishes she’d told her all of this before (us too, gf). “I’m your mother; it’s my job to protect you. Even if that means I have to steal a lot of money from an old lady and hide it in a lasagna box. Or sleep with Wilden. Or Jason. Wait, that wasn’t for you…” Anyway, Hanna or someone needs to figure out who this no-good dirty rotten Hanna-framer is quick, or else Mama Marin might do something crazy.
Into the Woods
Aria’s tailing skills are top notch, as she, Emily, and Ezra manage to follow Barrister Nealan all the way to like the Poconos or somewhere where he stops at a ten-foot high security gate. While they wait to see what his next move is, Aria gets a text from Hot***** Andrew, which she opens and reads right under Ezra’s nose because she is a dummy.
…how does Andrew have this information? As a tutor, Alexis can tell you even the students who took the test almost never get their grades back until the next quarter, nevermind day-of. .
“Who’s Andrew?” Ezra asks. #WhosAndrew the PLL hashtag machine asks. “Where’s Emily??” we ask, and then we see her, racing off towards the rapidly shutting security gate, chasing the disappearing taillights of Barrister Nealan’s car.
And that’s what happens when you let yourself get swept up in the Class Worst Hurricane that is ‘shipping drama, kids. Emily gets locked into a murder compound.
Ezra and Aria try to make up for their error by setting off to circle the estate looking for another way over the security fence. Emily puts zero stock in the chances of them succeeding with enough time for their trip to be worth anything, and so goes off to spy on Nealan on her own. Nealan, for his part, is jabbering loud as frick on his cell phone to a mysterious stranger about “Yes, I’m going in now,” and “what’s the combination?”
The first thing Emily finds is a trash can to dig through like a raccoon. It nets her a receipt for Tony’s pizza for an order for the singularly named Varjak. AND IT HAS A PHONE NUMBER AT THE TOP. The second thing she finds is a cabin window through which to spy on Nealan as he empties a giant floor safe of just pounds of cash and like, rare jewels or something. Because she has had zero opportunity ever to practice spying without making a single sound, Emily knocks over a metal tin of nails, and Nealan WHIPS OUT A PISTOL, cocks it, and runs to the window. We literally bark-laugh out loud. Luckily, Emily was too quick for even Quick Draw McGraw over here, and has hidden herself neatly beneath the windowsill.
While Emily is busy risking her neck to get real clues, Aria and Ezra are tiptoeing through the forest, awkwardly talking around the way they avoided each other for the last few weeks, and how Aria didn’t tell him directly that she got accepted to SCAD. “We should probably split up,” Aria says, amazingly. “TO SEARCH MORE EFFECTIVELY,” she elaborates, seeing the hurt puppy look on Ezra’s face.
Not surprisingly, they find no new way over the fence, together or separate, and return to the car to wait for Nealan to drive out and, presumably, give cross-country-runner Emily a chance to slip out behind him.
Looks like Andrew’s been giving EVERYONE lessons in hiding behind bushes in the dark.
jAilhouse sucks
Firm in her decision not to take the plea bargain her lawyer offered to her at the top of the episode, Ali returns to her completely trashed cell just in time for an inspection announcement to sound over the PA. Ali hurries to tidy up, the terror on her face proving her much more aware of the punishment for untidy prison quarters than are we (not “no snacktime,” we guess). When she pulls her flipped-up mattress down, though, all hope of avoiding said punishment is lost, as her wall is revealed to be emblazoned with TAKE THE PLEA in giant permanent marker letters. Thanks a LOT, A’s minions!
Unfortunately, this is not the end of Ali’s torture at said minions’ hands: that afternoon, she is mysteriously locked in the prison laundry room, where she is attacked by a SHADOW and an OMINOUS noise. Whatever came at her leaves a bruised burn on one forearm, but we don’t get any more details. Doesn’t matter, because whatever/whoever it was that attacked her, it was the last straw—Ali calls her lawyer. “If I do the plea,” she asks, ponytail just a straight up MESS, “will they move me somewhere safer?”
All lawyer lines are accessible to the Barristers Hastings, so of course immediately after Ali gets a hold of her real lawyer, Veronica shows up at the prison and demands to know why she’s taking the plea deal. Sure, Ali’s arms are all burned up, and sure if she takes the plea the DA will send her to Chateau Marmot, but Mama Hastings reminds her that if Hanna is innocent, and Ali names her? Ali will have to live with that for the rest of her life!!! (!!!) “Well, I’d already worked pretty hard in middle school to ruin Hanna’s life,” Ali shrugs. “Might as well just finish the job.” Meanwhile, we can’t figure out why Ali WOULD name Hanna as her accomplice, when she knows, and the lawyer knows, that the confession itself is all bullshit. She can name anybody! Literally anybody! SHE CAN NAME CYRUS, THE REAL ACCOMPLICE OF THE REAL MURDERER. She could even name Mona, which has the added benefit of being the lie-with-a-kernel-of-truth, what with the revelation of Mona-via-A’s faked death plan.
This is all dumb. Liar Logic™ at its peak, but being employed by people in real positions of power over the lives and probable deaths of these, our heroines (and Ali).
Ctrl+A: DELETE
So since no one will stretch their imagination to consider how Ali could possibly name anyone except Hanna as her fictional accomplice for a fictional crime, Hanna’s freaking out. She is not reassured by the fact that Toby was apparently unable to come up with any useful info for Caleb earlier, except for the news that a warrant has been issued for Hanna’s arrest. Caleb borrows some Liar Logic™ and convinces Hanna that if she just goes to the police—no no no! wait for him to finish!—with her A-text filled phone, she can prove that she and Ali are both being set up. Despite the fact that this is just one step removed from Hanna’s literal exact advice to Spencer not two days earlier, Hanna resists: if she tells Tanner, ALL THE LIES A/their own terrified youthful idiocy have forced them into will unspool and she’ll screw her friends the way Ali screwed her.
“Yeah, sure,” Caleb agrees. “Doing this will change everything. But what choice do you have?” He has a point. These A-sayers always have a point! So Hanna finally agrees, and he drives her to the police station, assures her she can do it, is our favorite. Hanna finally builds up enough courage to go inside and tell the desk sergeant why she wants to see Tanner, and when he gets her name, he jolts right up out of his chair. Unfortunately, he is so slow that A gets wise to Hanna’s scheme and just bops on into her phone and deletes her entire text history right before her very eyes.
And when the others (minus Spencer) show up, SOS style, to provide backup?
REALLY GIRLS, NO SCREEN GRABS?! NO CLOUD STORAGE? As mentioned in the awards section, Caleb should be feeling like a preeeetty big ass right about now. Although, we can’t think of anything that A couldn’t get to. Store it online, A would hack it. Print it on your laser jet, A would steal it. Tattoo it on the small of your back, A would drug you and change one of the letters while you’re unconscious to incriminate you, your mother, your boyfriend and/or one of your friends.
Maybe it’s time for a return to the oral tradition.
Ms. Marin Goes To Prisontown
And so Hanna is off to the slammer. At least she takes a fierce mug shot. She also takes a fierce, inscrutable look through the bars at Ali as she is led, orange-jumpsuited, down the hall of the lady prison to a cell of her very own. Ali just stares back, chin lifted, her expression equally inscrutable. We know Hanna was arrested because of the blood drop on Mona’s shirt; we don’t know if Ali’s plea bargain added to the RPD’s case or not.
Ross’s girlfriend Julie from season two of Friends comes by to tell her that the DA has a suite all set up for her at a local minimum security Red Roof Inn. All she has to do is sign the plea deal. Alison, though, has changed her mind. She’s not taking the plea.
What Hastings Sisters Are For
Hanna in potential danger may not have been enough to make Spencer stand up a last-minute St. Andrews interview, but Hanna IN ACTUAL JAIL sure as hell is. Sorry, Melissa’s ghost! Sorry, invisible “Dr” Wren! Sorry, English NPH! Spencer’s OUT.
“What’s the number of Mom’s St. Andrew’s contact?” Spencer asks Melissa’s ghost as she shrugs into her shoulder-studded trench. “You don’t REALLY want to leave, do you?” is Melissa’s ghost’s reply. They go back and forth like this for several minutes, Melissa’s unwillingness to connect Spencer with a living Scot increasingly evident. The reason? Turns out there IS no interview at St. Andrews. Melissa and Veronica plotted together to come up with a reason strong enough to make Spencer stay in London, in case hers was the name Ali named when naming her fictional accomplice for the plea deal.
“You’re no ghost!” Spencer exclaims. “You really ARE Melissa G-D Hastings!”
“We were trying to help!” real Melissa explains, tearfully. “Yeah, well,” Spencer says, storming out, “last time you geniuses tried something like this, someone got killed.”
#ENDOFEZRIA
ALL PRAISE SAINT MONA. THE END IS FINALLY COME.
(We, sigh, don’t really believe it. But we wish it so hard. In fact, the only thing we wish harder is that the true end come in three weeks with the reveal that it really was EzrA all along, and this show-justified farce that his and Aria’s relationship has somehow ever been okay is finally torn to pieces. But…take what we can get, we guess.)
So here’s the deal: Ezra meets Aria on a park bench, pastries in hand, haired styled bafflingly in such a way that he looks balding and thus extra too-old. He assures Aria that Hanna will be okay until she gets out on bail. “Well, DUH. She is a rock solid BAMF. But for real, listen. No, don’t cover your ears and hum; I need to say this. Once I say it there’s no taking it back: you were right,” (ugh, bever say those words to this man), “I missed out on a lot of hs because of our relationship.” (TRUTH, tho, TRUTH.) She doesn’t regret it (double ugh) but she does think she should be single when she leaves for college (AMEN).
Not to be out-matured in any relationship, Ezra one-ups her. Not only should the call it quits before she leaves for college—they should call it quits now. “It was too hard this past week, not knowing where I stood with you,” and also counting down the days to an execution is always rough. Rip off the bandaid, ya know?
Well don’t get all high and mighty, Ezra! Because ARIA can’t imagine her life without him! (We can. It was all of last week. It was pretty great.) And because we will never ever ever be rid of him, Ezra promises the littlest Liar that he will always be in her life. Near, far—nowhere too inconvenient for him to get some sort of spyware installed.
A-tag
At the Brew, Emily calls the number on the Tony’s pizza receipt. Who answers? WHO KNOWS. (Instagram. Instagram knows.)
NEXT WEEK
Hanna’s still in jail, so the others channel Mona to try to get her out.
About the Contributor:
Catie grew up in Denver, Colorado, where she often stayed up past her bedtime reading with a flashlight and once sent homemade Hogwarts acceptance letters to her friends. Now an adult, she still loves books and TV meant for teens, but is grateful to no longer have a bedtime.
