Welcome to week twenty-six of the Supernatural rewatch superfans! For those Gordon fans out there, I have some good news! The vampire hunter with a heart of heavy metal features this week! For those non-fans? I have even better news.
Love him or hate him, it’s time pour one out for Gordon.
THE OFFICIAL FYA SUPERNATURAL DRINKING GAME:
Take a drink every time:
• There’s a corpse
• A demon possesses and/or makes a deal with some hapless schmuck
• Dean embraces the end
• Dean crams his face full of junk food
• Anyone is tied up
• Either brother picks a lock
• Someone employs a Titan of Classic Rock as an alias
• The Glorious and Faithful Impala is damaged in the line of duty
3x7: Fresh Blood
Monster of the Week: Vampires, Gordon, Vampire Gordon
Gordon is back and holding Bela at gunpoint, demanding to know where the Winchesters are. She tells him that she doesn’t respond to threats, but she’d be more than happy to sell him the information. He hands over his heirloom mojo bag and she calls Dean, getting their location without even the slightest of heads-ups. SMH. I love a good rogue, but that was just a dick move, Bela.
The Winchesters are hunting vampires in a vampire town. They manage to capture one and as they interrogate her about her nest, she reveals she has no idea what they’re talking about. She took a drug from some dark-haired dealer that was supposed to deliver a sweet high, but just left her craving blood instead. The boys realize some sicko vampire is peddling his own blood to area club kids, turning them into unwitting vamps.
Kubrick and Gordon burst onto the scene, interviewing the latest vamp-bite victim. While, the brothers head to the club. They stop the vampire dealer (Dixon), from turning a girl. But before they can apprehend the vicious vamp, Gordon and Kubrick show up, guns blazing. The boys make a quick escape. Gordon is not so lucky. When he gets separated from Kubrick, Dixon pops up and drags him off.
Gordon wakes tied up in Dixon’s lair, where he has two blonde baby-vamps similarly shackled. It turns out Gordon wasn’t just a random grab. Dixon knows exactly who he is: the man who has been hunting his people to extinction. He considers killing him, but then decides on a more fitting revenge—turning Gordon into the very thing he hates.
Sam says that, human or not, they have to kill Gordon or he’ll keep dogging them forever. Speaking of killing, Dean realizes Bela sold them out and lets her know he plans on murdering her the first chance he gets. As an apology/please-don’t-murder-me gift, Bella uses a connection to find out Gordon’s exact location.
Vamp Gordon breaks out of Dixon’s nest and wanders around, reeling at his newly enhanced senses. He also snacks on the first poor schmuck he comes across. Nice willpower, buddy.
Blade is disappointed in you.
Sam and Dean show at Dixon’s nest only to find the vamp grieving over the two still-shackled and now headless blondes Gordon left behind. He begs the Winchesters to kill him because he’s lonely (vampires, always so emo) and tells them that he turned Gordon. Before we can see them oblige, the show cuts to Kubrick’s trailer. Gordon confesses what has happened to him and tries to convince Kubrick to wait to kill him until after he’s able to take out Sam. Kubrick is having none of that and attacks. Gordon murders him, apologizing as he does it.
When the Winchesters go on the defensive, holing up and hiding their scent so Gordon can’t use his vamp powers to track them, he decides to kidnap some poor random schmuck, holding her hostage until the boys come face him. When they get there, Gordon manages to separate him, locking Dean and the kidnap victim outside a darkened warehouse while he stalks Sam on the inside.
After Dean shoots the kidnap victim (who turns out to be a turned vamp), he busts back into the warehouse. Gordon starts gnawing on his neck and Sam gets hold of a piece of barbed wire and goes to town on Gordon’s neck.
So sad it’s come to this.
But it’s still pretty effin’ metal.
Brotherly Angst Quotient: ‘Fraidy cat.
Sam once again calls Dean on his increasingly reckless behavior, e.g. slicing his own arm up as vampire bait, running directly past Gordon’s blazing guns to give his brother a better chance at escape. Dean tries to crack a few jokes to lighten the mood, but Sam isn’t buying it. He says that he’s spent years looking up to Dean, studying him, and because of that he knows him better than anyone. He knows he’s terrified, and he wishes that he would just drop this dumbass show of bravado and just be his brother again.
Sam seems to get through. Later, when Gordon’s dead, Dean is working on the Impala. He calls over Sam and teaches him how to fix the car, saying he’ll need to know these things for the future. It’s good to hear him thinking about any future, even if it’s one he doesn’t see himself in.
Dean’s Deal: No progress on how to shake that pesky deal.
How Drunk Are We?: Cry-singing karaoke. Take nine drinks for people tied, corpses dropped and Dean’s bravado.
The Quotable Winchesters: “I smell good, don’t I? And I taste even better.” –Dean.
Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:
Buffy/Supernatural crossover where Dean fights Spike for Harmony’s favor?
Mercedes McNab of Buffy and Addams Family Values plays a club kid vamp.
3x8: A Very Supernatural Christmas
Monster of the Week: Pagan gods
A tiny tot watches from the staircase in anticipation as his grandfather (dressed as Santa) lays presents underneath a tree, when from the roof arose such a clatter, both look up to see what’s the matter. Grandpa in particular goes to investigate soot falling into the fireplace, when he is suddenly yanked up the chimney, kicking and screaming, leaving only a solitary boot behind.
Ho-ho-holy Jesus, that poor kid watching from the stairs.
Dean interviews another woman whose husband was dragged up the chimney and disappeared. On their way out, Sam shows Dean a tooth he found lodged in the chimney—whoever took this guy didn’t bring him out in one piece.
Sam does a little research and becomes convinced the thing they’re looking for is Krampus, a sort of anti-Santa Claus who, during Christmas, beats bad children with a stick and then drags them to the underworld in a sack. Fun guy! He also apparently walks with a limp and smells of sweets, leading Dean to call him “pimp Santa.” They go looking for Krampus at a sort of Christmasland theme park where all the victims shopped and notice the creepy alcoholic Santa fits the bill. They stake out his trailer, rushing in when they hear a woman screaming! But all they find is Santa in his underwear, holding a giant bong and watching a Christmas-themed porno. Dean thinks fast and pretends they’re carolers.
Neither actually knows the words to Silent Night, but they give it a valiant try.
The monster takes another father as his child watches on in horror! We all bite our nails as the thing approaches the adorable toddler. But instead of taking the tot, the monster grabs some of the sugar cookies left out for Santa before stuffing the father up the chimney.
While interviewing the latest victims, Sam notices they have the same wreath as the other victims. It’s made with meadowsweet, a plant often placed around the neck of human sacrifices in pagan religion. The boys go to see the lady who makes them. She’s like an older version of Donna Reed married to a man clearly modeled after Beaver Cleaver’s dad. They’re pagan gods and uber creepy and yet when they offer peanut brittle, Sam has to stop Dean from taking it. Sigh. I guess when your childhood is focused on monster-slaying no one stops to give the “no candy from strangers” rule.
The boys break into the couple’s house later that night with the pine stakes necessary to kill pagan gods. In the basement they find bowls of viscera and body parts scattered everywhere. Dean finds the bloody sack and when he touches it, someone begins screaming on the inside!
Alerted, the pagan gods find the boys and attack! Since they’re gods, they win. They tie the brothers up and chastise them for swearing and then begin a sacrifice ritual, cutting them and pulling out Sam’s fingernail with pliers. Just before they can pull out Dean’s tooth, the doorbell rings! It’s a harmless neighbor but by the time our gods-in-disguise shoo her away, the boys have escaped!
Separated from their pine stakes, the boys rip apart the Christmas tree to fashion new weapons. After a rousing fight, they use the stakes to kill God(s). Merry Christmas, everybody!
Brotherly Angst Quotient: Grinchtastic
Moved by all the festivities they encounter as they work the case, Dean says they should have a real Christmas together, like when they were kids. Sam grumps that they had terrible childhoods, and there’s not much to be nostalgic about. Cue flashbacks!
In the early nineties, the boys wait in a motel for Papa to return from a hunt. Lil’ Dean does anyway. Lil’ Sammy doesn’t yet know what their father does for a living, though he has his suspicions. Though hostile at first, Dean eventually answers his questions, laying out their dark family history. Sam doesn’t take it too well, and to cheer him up, Dean breaks into a rich family’s house and steals Sam some presents, which turn out to be a Barbie and a sparkly baton. Whomp whomp.
Dean insists they’re from Papa, but Sammy’s not buying it. He’s touched that Dean made the effort though and gives him the present he’d be saving for Papa—the same necklace Dean wears to this day. Aw, sniff.
In the present day, Dean says he’s so stuck on having a nice Christmas because it will be his last. Sam says he knows, and that’s why he can’t celebrate. But after remembering the nice moments he shared with Dean, he changes his tune and decorates their motel room for Christmas. Time for a gas station present exchange!
Dean would give his little brother porno mags.
The boys end the episode toasting with some high-proof eggnog.
Merry Christmas in May, darlings.
Dean’s Deal: No progress on the plan.
How Drunk Are We?: Loosey-goosey. Take four drinks for locks picked, Winchesters restrained, and a lonely corpse.
The Quotable Winchesters:
Moment Most Likely to Inspire Troubling Fan-Fic:
They’re say they’re only pretending to be a gay couple, but Sam’s laserbeam eyes of annoyance say he’s bringing some relationship method acting to the table.
Notable Cameos: none
Next week: Bobby in a coma! I know, I know, it’s serious.