Previously on Unreal, Jeremy broke up with Lizzie, Rachel slept with Adam and Quinn discovered Chet getting a blow job from Madison. Just another day on the set of Everlasting!
How is it possible that so much can happen in an episode of Unreal without diminishing the amount of stuff that can happen in the next episode? It’s like that miracle from the Bible but with drama instead of loaves and fishes. All I can say is, keep it comin’!
The Rundown
Rachel wakes up after having sex with Adam and tells him that it’s a huge mistake. Girl, Adam sees through you, and so do I. She rushes back to her trailer, where Jeremy is sleeping sweetly on her cot, and wakes him up to snuggle. Uh, not to get too gross here but can’t he smell the sex on her? Turns out, Rachel is wondering the same thing, because as soon as he takes her to his amazing log cabin house (five points for Team Jeremy), she jumps in the shower, and then he jumps in with her. I can’t help but think about that scene earlier in the season when she took over Adam’s shower just to get clean, and I bet she’s thinking the same thing.
Cut to Quinn, who is obviously not enjoying the sex she’s having with Chet (who now wants a baby with her?) and then cut back to Rachel, whose face is wearing the same grimace. Oh come on, show, sex with Jeremy has got to be a THOUSAND times better than sex with Chet.
On this week’s episode of Everlasting, the three remaining girls (Anna, Grace and Faith) each get to have a solo date with Adam at his vineyard. They take a minute to pimp out Royal Renovations, so I guess that’s a thing that’s really happening! Faith is SUPER excited about it (which is beyond adorable), but the claws are out between Anna and Grace. Little do they know that Adam and Rachel are kissing in the greenhouse, and I wish I could enjoy that but I’m too busy feeling nervous about their chances of getting caught. Meanwhile, Chet tries to get Grace to unbutton more of her blouse before her horse ride with Adam, and she angrily storms off after telling him that she doesn’t want to be seen simply as a sexpot. Chet orders Rachel to go after “Tijuana Terminator,” and when she finds Grace, Rachel reassures her, as Rachel does, by lying about Adam’s desires.
As self-destructive as ever, Rachel then tells Adam to go after Grace. “Is that really want you want?” he asks, as if he’s throwing down the gauntlet… which is exactly what he’s doing. He and Rachel begin a nice little game of tit for tat– he squeezes Grace’s butt before helping her up on the horse, she cuddles up to Jeremy behind the camera. Later, on his date with Anna in a hot air balloon, Adam mentions “African AIDS babies” in a list of possible charities Anna could work with as his Princess Di, and you can tell that his jab hit the target, because it starts to rain Rachel immediately falls into an angsty malaise. The storm cloud over her head only gets bigger when Anna confesses that she’s falling for Adam. Wah waaaah.
Meanwhile, Quinn takes a secret trip to L.A. under the guise of seeing a lady doctor… but Brad from the network ain’t no gynecologist! (Ewww, that is not a good mental picture.) She also pops a Plan B pill on the plane, so getting pregnant is definitely not part of her secret evil plan. She pitches Brad on cutting out the middle man (Chet), and he agrees to a presentation on her best idea, which I cannot WAIT to see.
Rachel, who cleans up real nice (seriously, this is the best we’ve seen her looking all season) goes to a crew member’s birthday party with Jeremy, and this whole scene is basically showing us that he’s a really, really good guy. I mean, how can you not love a man who gets a tramp stamp of a dog just to cheer up a buddy whose dad died? No, for real, I’m asking you, Rachel, because he’s trying to convince you to quit the show with him and live a more normal life and you do NOT seem that interested.
Quinn, back on set, finds Madison and informs her that Chet forced her to give him a blow job, so she’s going to get Madison a lawyer and “make Chet take responsibility for what he did.” Hell hath no fury like a Quinn scorned.
After sledge hammering a fake wall, Faith confesses to Adam that she wants him to pick her. It’s a win-win in her eyes, because they can both fake it. When Adam protests that he doesn’t want to have women on the side, she laughs and says, “…You are a player. If I drew a vagina on a white piece of paper, you’d probably hit on it.” TRUTH. Also, well played, Faith!
Then we finally find out what’s on Quinn’s flash drive– eight years worth of ideas she never told Chet. So… not as scandalous as we’d hoped. She shows it to Rachel and announces that she’s leaving him. “I don’t want to be with Chet, I want to be Chet.” She’s starting her own company and wants Rachel to be her full partner, which sounds like a FIERCE Season Two to me. Rachel declines, citing the fact that she and Jeremy are making their own plans. “You may want to be Chet,” she says, “but I don’t want to be you, Quinn.” Quinn, seemingly unfazed, mutters back, “Yeah, you do.” YEAH YOU DO, RACHEL.
Back on Everlasting, Adam sends Faith home, and they share a super sweet exchange. I’M GONNA MISS YOU, FAITH. I hope you skedaddle home and get with your Rodeo Queen ASAP. Adam then chooses Anna for the overnight, no surprise. Grace is NOT happy.
Madison, in a surprise move, tells Dr. Wagerstein about giving Chet a blow job and Quinn’s plan to bring in the lawyers. The doctor’s response is the most sound advice she’s given to anyone on the show: “Nobody here does anything to be nice. The quicker you learn that, the longer you’ll survive.” And then, in even MORE of a surprise move, Wagerstein drops the bomb on Chet that Quinn is setting him up (NOOOOO) and, in exchange for her help in avoiding a serious legal problem, she proposes getting her own segment on the show. Nicely done, Doc! I didn’t know you had it in you.
Meanwhile, Quinn pulls Rachel and Adam into her office and shows them the video of their sexy times. AWKWARD. She swears she’ll leak it unless Rachel works for her and Adam gives her a big finale wedding. Adam is fine with it being leaked, but Rachel doesn’t want to hurt Jeremy… hmm, maybe you should’ve thought of that before, oh, I don’t know, having sex with Adam? Quinn, for all of her blackmailing bitchery, is still speaking some serious truth to Rachel when she tells her that she’s acting like a brainwashed contestant instead of someone who knows how to get what she wants. LISTEN UP, GIRL.
Later that night, Rachel turns on the monitor clearly marked, “Monitor off for overnight visit” and spies Anna doing the deed with “Prince Charmless” (Quinn’s and my favorite nickname for Adam). If self-torture was a sport, Rachel would have a gold medal and a billion dollar endorsement deal with Nike. After telling Jeremy not to wait up for her (sigh), she finds Adam outside– in the same place as the first time they really talked, maybe?– and joins him in taking swigs from a whiskey bottle. Adam makes it clear that he wants to choose her, and not Anna or Grace, and he asks her to run away with him. “You’re like me,” he says. “You were not made for the ordinary life.” As much as I’m Team Jeremy, I gotta admit that it’s a tempting offer, especially the part about being neck deep in Bellinis.
This Week’s Wifey
She’s not even a contestant on the show, but Rachel is obviously winning the race, and Adam wants to put a ring on it.
This Week’s Villain
Chet still sucks, of course, but I’m gonna go with Doctor Wagerstein. I mean, after a young girl confided that she’d given a blow job to her boss, the good doctor decided to use that information to further her own career. Hear those hooves? That’s the sound of a dark horse entering the ring of selfish, terrible people trying to out-awful each other on Unreal!
True Love, People
You can tell the writers felt bad for shortchanging us last week on the Adam and Rachel front, because this episode was packed with swoon-worthy lines uttered most ardently by Adam:
Adam: “With you and me, you know we have something real.”
Adam: “You don’t believe that you deserve better, but you do. You deserve everything, you know that, right? You are the only woman here who deserves that ring.”
Bitch, Plz
Quinn, to Madison: “Chet tells me that you’re doing a great job. So just keep doing whatever it is that you’re doing.”
MEOW.
Quinn, to Madison: “Your frontal lobe hasn’t even finished growing yet. This is why I never promote anyone under the age of 26.”
Wise words.
Quinn: “Aren’t you two so great at that together?”
Quinn to Rachel and Adam as they watch their sex tape.
Adam: “You are a hateful, conniving bitch, you know that?”
Quinn: “Thank you.”
Burning Questions
- So, does the whole crew just live near the Everlasting house? And where exactly is this place?
- Was Adam fine with Quinn potentially leaking the video because he’s that committed to Rachel? Damn.
- It could just be because I’m on Team Jeremy, but what’s up with the writers suddenly deciding that Jeremy represents the bland, boring option for Rachel? HE’S NOT BORING. HIS SOULFUL GAZE IS THE MOST INTERESTING THING IN THE WORD.
- Now that Chet knows that Quinn caught him in the act with Madison, what’s he going to do? And how will this affect her plan?
- WHAT IS RACHEL GOING TO DO?
- How awesome was that montage with the horse doubles? I loved all of the “fakery” in this episode — we haven’t seen some reality TV tricks in a while, and they’re one of my favorite aspects of the show.
And HOLY SMOKES that preview for the season finale!!!!! I think we’re all gonna need our own bottle of whiskey for fortitude’s sake.
