Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Everything went to hell in a handbasket. Jo and her unborn twins were murdered by Kai, Elena's life was bound to Bonnie's and her sleeping body now lies inside the Salvatore Family crypt, the noble Sheriff Liz Forbes succumbed to cancer, Caroline's grief manifested in the form of a murder spree, Stefan finally realized he's in love with Caroline, AND Lily Salvatore found a way to bring back her creepy, powerful family of witchy vamps: The Heretics.
HELLO, everyone! It's so great to be back here recapping and dishing with y'all about our favorite show. We've streamlined the format for TV recaps here at FYA, and I hope that means you'll have even MORE time to goss with me down in the comments! LET'S DO THIS:
What Went Down
Bonnie is babysitting Damon and Alaric on their Guys Getaway to Europe; the pair of them are self-medicating with alcohol in a way that would impress Keith Richards, except that Alaric has been drinking TEA, not bourbon. Turns out he's on the hunt for some artifacts that could bring Jo back to life, and beating seven colors of shite out of phoney mystics along the way. (This path? The Monkey's Paw? It never ends well, Ric.) Matt Donovan is graduating from the police academy (MATTY!), Stefan and Caroline are trying to figure out a way to fill in their awkward silences, and Lily is trying to tame her newly resurrected Heretic family so that they can co-exist peacefully with the rest of Mystic Falls. I mean, that DEFINITELY worked out well with the Mikaelsen family. *small cough*.
The Heretics are otherwise known as Mary Louise, Nora, Valerie, Malcolm, and Beau. They are gorgeous, impatient and POWERFUL. Once Stefan suspects their presence he enlists the help of Caroline and Matt to build a bomb (thanks, Ric), thinking THAT is enough to take out the most powerful people on the planet (sorry, Klaus). Aaaand it doesn't work. The heretics don't have a scratch on them, and they exact revenge by murdering almost the entire police academy's graduating class, AND the new sheriff! Our friends realize that to engage them further puts the entire town at risk...so they compel the entire town to leave and strike a truce with the Heretics. Enzo is still as SMOKIN' as ever (LOVING the new 'do, 'Zo), and allies himself with Lily over Stefan and Caroline by drugging our Caroline. BOO AND HISS, SIR. Thank GOD Bonnie and Damon get home just in time to stop this rolling-over nonsense, and they start off their No Heretic Left Behind Tour by killing Malcolm. (At least I think they did; pretty sure not even a Heretic can live without a heart.)
-Caroline and Stefan finally kissing ERMAHGERRRRRRD!
-Alaric's mental health: discuss.
-Damon told Bonnie that she's his best friend...! YOU GUYSSSSSS
Vamp(s) of the Week: Mary Louise and Nora
What can I say? I love a good romance. Besides, since Katherine (RIP) left us in season five we're due some ruthless, badass women, and I can't wait to see what they bring to this season!
Hero Hair / Nefarious Grin
This week's most Heroic Hair goes to DEPUTY Matt Donovan. It was a big day for a guy who never thought he'd work anywhere other than The Grill, and for the Heretics to take that away with a casual bloodbath? How has Matt not just up and left Mystic Falls yet, y'all? (And yes, I definitely chose this picture based on how well it encapsulates Matt's constant WTF'ness at his life.)
Oh Enzo. I can't stay mad at you. But I CAN award you this week's most Nefarious Grin. I know that you have every right to have ZERO love for The Salvatore Brothers, but how could you do that to Caroline? Our Caroline is made of kittens and rainbows and peach pie! I hate to break it to you but you're Lily's least favorite "child", and she's going to bring you a world of hurt.
Damon: "Do you know how many days need to tick by before I see Elena again? Twenty-two thousand, nine hundred and sixty one days, and that's if you get some old person's disease. I have not even begun to approach rock bottom."
Bonnie: "I'm so sorry this happened, but I lost Elena too, Damon. And you're one of the few reminders I have of her to hold on to so you can either resent me or love me, but you're stuck with me."
Damon: "Stefan hangs up his Hero Hair for the girl. And here I thought my future was bleak."
Damon: "In the first second, I thought how amazing it would feel to have Elena in my arms again. By second number two, I had kissed her. And by the third, I remembered you're my best friend and that if anything ever happened to you, I would lose my mind. So yes, Bonnie, I do know how long three seconds are."
-Just how long does Alaric intend to keep bribing the morgue to keep Jo's body on ice? This is drifting into American Horror Story-levels of creepiness, show.
-And what IS the Mystery Orb that Alaric stole, and that Lily wants? It must have something to do with resurrection, so who else does Lily want brought back? (I recall a 6th Heretic named Oscar...?)
--WHAT were those flash forward beginning and ending scenes all about? It's clear that at some point Damon decides he can't live without Elena (come on, dude) and is keeping himself daggered until Bonnie dies. But why are they in a container in Brooklyn? And who the hell is hunting Stefan? Why does he have the same scar that Beau has? I think they WANT us to think that the Hunter is Bonnie, but I REFUSE to believe that something is going to cause such MALICE between Bonnie and her BFF, Damon.
So I have to ask...does anyone miss Elena? Me neither. Not to be cruel because Nina Dobrev is an amazing actress, but there is so much that's now possible without her on the show. This season premiere did a great job at building us a world without her in it, but also keeps her in the hearts of her friends and loved ones. I'm hoping that The Heretics gives our show a boost in the same way that The Original Family did all those years ago.