Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Stefan and Valerie have VERY old history, Julian caused Valerie to miscarry and she’s finally told Stefan, Jo’s body is now a host to some random vampire spirit, Julian is back and The Salvatore Brothers want to destroy him. #MommyIssues
What Went Down
Julian is back! (BOOOO) Lily wants to throw a party but she has to compel people from surrounding towns to attend so that it isn’t just the Heretics and Our Friends sitting around glaring at each other. (Esther Mikaelsen tried having a party for the town too, remember? Granted she was trying to murder all of her children, but still, party invites from Supernaturals should be approached with caution.)
Damon and Stefan are at odds with the how and when of killing Julian; Damon wants to let it simmer for a while in order to maximize the pain inflicted upon their mother, and Stefan wants to get rid of him immediately. It’s always great watching Damon try to stay Stefan’s hand for a change. Confrontation ensues, and it’s The Salvatore Bros vs. Evil
Potential Biological Father Julian, with Lily intervening before Julian can kill either one of them. Damon finally manages to get Stefan to confess his true motives for wanting Julian dead; Julian took away Stefan’s only chance to become a father (uh, you guys could adopt if you wanted to, you know this, yeah? Like, you could LITERALLY compel the adoption agency into giving you your kid of choice.) and Damon is solidly on Team Stefan.
Meanwhile Bonnie and Enzo make eyes at each other at the party to make Lily jealous, and that pot begins to SIMMER. (Enzo is ridiculously hot. He gets more and more handsome each season, I swear.) Julian convinces Mary Louise that the way to keep Nora interested is to get her “swagger” back (dude’s been back for less than a day and he knows about swagger? Ok.), so she feeds on a waitress before heading upstairs for sexy-fun-times with Nora.
Jo, who now remembers she’s actually a dead vampire named Florence, is dying. Valerie points out that she’s a vampire soul living in a human body, so of course she’s dying. Caroline Forbes points out her severe lack of tact. Alaric thanks her for being able to finally say goodbye to Jo, and Florence passes away quietly. Valerie is super morbid, so of course she’s watching Jo and Alaric’s wedding video, but she’s actually looking for clues; she’s suspicious about the circumstances surrounding that whole slaughter-fest, and she’s right to be - because those Gemini twins that were in Jo’s womb? Are now safely embedded in Caroline Forbes. Interesting way to incorporate Candice Accola King’s pregnancy into the show, Show! (It really could all go horribly wrong, couldn’t it?)
Caroline’s future fiance is ALARIC? And now we know that those twin girls are Jo’s and Ric’s, but Caroline was a supernatural surrogate?? The writers have zero f*cks about torturing their fandom and I LOVE IT.
The chemistry between Bonnie and Enzo: DISCUSS.
Was I the only one surprised at Lily putting her foot down with Julian about harming Stefan and Damon? Maybe you’re redeemable as a mother after all, Lily. We shall see.
Vamp of the Week: Damon Salvatore
Damon wants to get back at Lily so bad it hurts. Ever the planner, he's willing to wait and lure her into a false sense of security before delivering Julian's heart to her in a neatly wrapped box. When he finds out the source of his brother's mutual desire to end Julian, he puts his own wants aside and agrees to take him out sooner rather than later, for the sake of Stefan's mental health. Selflessness isn't instinctual for Damon, but he really has gotten so much better at it.
Hero Hair/Nefarious Grin
Hero Hair: I'm not sure if any ONE person really stood out as particularly heroic this week, but I give credit where it's due. Mama Salvatore may be Ride or Die for her man, but she will not see her sons destroyed by him. It will be interesting to see how she reacts if/when she discovers Valerie's reason for loathing Julian, or when she starts to realize just how much he undermines her.
Nefarious Grin: Violent, conniving, and now unstable thanks to being resurrected with the Phoenix MacGuffin, Julian is the very worst kind of villain - the kind that reminds the Salvatores of their own violent father. It's clear that he has Lily wrapped around his finger for his own ends. He was likely a sociopath BEFORE becoming a vampire, but charming enough to blind her to his true nature. I look forward to his downfall.
"To watch Lily bat her eyes at her zombie douche boy toy? Thanks but I'd rather stay home. And stub my toe repeatedly." But supernatural soirees are always so FUN, Damon! Especially when the body count starts to add up.
"No talking until I'm seeing two of you. Then I'll kick both of your asses." Being the older sibling is hard, you guys. Younger siblings are NOTORIOUSLY unappreciative of your efforts to keep them alive.
"Bonnie, I know we've had a rocky past, but I hope this means you're willing to start fresh." "You're the reason I'm never going to see my best friend again, so I hope you're joking." One day Bonnie will snatch Lily bald, and it will be GLORIOUS.
"It's called dignity. Have some. It's free." We're all thinking it, Enzo. You could probably start a religion devoted to your hot-ness, but you're too busy pining for Lily.
"It's been so nice to hear her voice again. Thank you for allowing me to say goodbye." "Goodbye, Ric." Hashtag weeping.
So what is going to break up Caroline and Stefan? Being pregnant with someone else's kids MIGHT do it, especially since Stefan is still hurting from discovering his own loss.
Are the writers going to give Beau anything to do other than deliver messages, play the piano and get people drinks? It's just embarassing at this point.
On a scale of 1-Rachel Dolezal, just how bonkers is Zombie Julian? I mean, he was terrible before, sooooo......
When Bonnie and Enzo finally give in to each other, will it collectively incinerate our televisions?
Next time on The Vampire Diaries: It's Thanksgiving! Time for a family intervention.
Well, that's certainly a way to incorporate a pregnancy into a storyline! At least we won't have an entire season of empire waistlines and hiding behind held bags of groceries. Are you disappointed to know that Steroline is over before it ever really began? Is Matt Donovan a bit more grumpy than usual these days? Maybe he could keep Valerie company so she'll stop being such a barnacle to Stefan and Caroline.