Well, I definitely didn’t hate Michael this week, so probably the world is ending. It’s been nice knowing you all!
AWARDS
THIS WEEK’S MVP(arent)
Tie between Petra and Rogelio, the former for making hard decisions in the pursuit of her and her daughters’ future security and happiness when it would have been so much easier to just give in to Raf’s rebounding weakness; the latter for reminding us and Jane both that, in spite of how his many social media presences come across, he is a serious adult who has real life lessons to impart to his daughter.
In both parents’ cases, the takeaway is the same: to be a successful, considerate adult, it is important to recognize when you make a choice, and then to own it. Sorry, Raf and Jane! Not even you are perfect.
BEST TELENOVELA TWIST
The fact that Michael seems to truly have grown into a more responsible and temperate human is so shocking that it FELT like a twist, right?
My new go-to universal reaction gif (but also, Luisa’s backslide is truly sad and hard)
BEST PRODUCT PLACEMENT
Jane’s Chevy Cruze got a solid bumper shot again this week, but I was cut off in high velocity traffic at dusk yesterday by a brand new Cruze so I am not really feeling the love. Let’s instead go with Maid In Manhattan, the J.Lo classic name dropped by Paola/Lola that a tiny pre-teen (wolf) Tyler Posey co-starred in, which I’ve never seen but the universe keeps reminding me of.
PREVIOUSLY ON JANE THE VIRGIN
Michael’s insane hunt for Rose/Sin Rostro ended with her death-by-strangling in the middle of a hospital sting op, and now he’s arrived at Jane’s door with an admission of love and the hope she’ll take him back. Petra inseminated herself with TWO BABIES in a gambit to win back Raf’s heart, but Raf has been too hung up on an increasingly distant Jane to pay her much more than lip service. The XoRo dream team broke off their newly-minted engagement because of deeply held desires to have (Ro) and NOT have (Xo) babies, now or ever, which is going to suck when Ro’s decade-old prison pen pal stalker comes out of the woodwork here in a sec…
THIS WEEK
Five Minute Flashback/Michael’s Back, Baby!
Sometimes the best thing in your whole memory is the thing that JUST HAPPENED. Sometimes that is how life goes! And this week the thing that JUST HAPPENED to Jane is that Michael came back into her life, all apologies and admissions of love and confessions that he’d been keeping her at the long-arm-of-the-law’s reach until the Sin Rostro case was closed and Rose was incapable of hurting Jane or Mateo ever again. And now she’s dead, so! Problem solved!
Modern Romance
I mean, Imma let you finish Michael, but Rose is only out of the picture because a MORE malevolent crime lord who is MORE CLOSELY tied to Mateo—and through him, Jane—killed her at close, personal range. But you’re in a love bubble right now, so I guess that small detail can be put on hold until after you’ve had a chance to change your clothes at least once.
So Jane and Michael stay up all night on the Villanuevas’ front porch, talking and kissing and catching each other up on the last 200+ days of their respective lives. Michael’s “girlfriend” was just a coworker! Jane “dated” her professor! Nadine died saving Michael because he couldn’t make himself trust her! Mateo is, probably, still a baby! Alba got her green card and everyone just cried and cried and cried! Michael thought about how his temper and behavior hurt Mateo and was unfair to Raf every day since it happened, and he genuinely, earnestly regrets all of it! No word about Ro’s new Tiago adventure, but I am sure Michael’s reaction was exuberant.
Jane tries to kick Michael out the next morning, wanting to keep their rekindled flame a secret a BIT longer—you know, to avoid having to go into a thousand details with her mom and abuela, and also so she can find time to talk to Rafael one-on-one, to warm him up to the idea. But Xo and Alba are already staring at them through the kitchen window, the embodiment of heart-eyes emoji, and Jane’s picking up a few waitressing shifts at the Marbella starting already that afternoon, so, guess the bubble’s popped!
Xo and Alba give Jane the time she wants to keep a few details private, thankfully, but Jane is less successful when it comes to confronting Raf. “No,” he says, point blank. “ANYONE but him.” And look, I love Raf and think he’s always had a lot of love to give and so many ruined moments to share it, but dude! Read the room! “I don’t love anyone but him,” Jane says, to which Raf tries his old standby response of, “he’s a bad. guy.” Rightfully, Jane takes umbrage at this—both because Michael has legit grown as a person (I say, grudgingly) and because Petra, who is a barely reformed power-clawing narcissist who is tied to multiple murders for whom Jane still threw a baby shower.
Point: Jane! So Raf angrily agrees to meet with Jane and Michael for lunch, and Jane goes home to walk Michael through the short list of DOs and endless list of DON’Ts for said lunch to go over smoothly. DON’T #1? Inside jokes/goofy faces.
Yeah okay so this is very charming
Needless to say, the lunch goes poorly. Surprisingly, it is Rafael almost completely on his own who ruins it. Michael really has grown, and is completely humble and full of real apologies. Raf, though, is still caught in bruised-ego heartache, and he makes a scene before storming out. Jane spends a lot of the rest of the episode trying to figure out how to work this issue out, to keep Michael in her life without ruining her relationship with Mateo’s dad, even going so far as to get Michael to volunteer to quit his job (dude, the Miami PD would NOT miss you), but ultimately, after Raf even rejects this move, she realizes that the issue is not hers and Michael’s to solve, but Raf’s. And she and Michael kiss and kiss and kiss, and the bubble lives on for at least one more week.
Kissing in public water surrounded by bare feet, my dream -__-
*Literally Dying*
Raf’s drama with Jane is not the only issue on his plate this week. The other? The Marbella’s increasingly horrific public image, due to, you know, all the murders that just keep happening there.
Slasher film fauxmercials are now the first hits that pop up when the hotel’s name is searched online, and Petra, on a deadline set by her Mt. Vesuvius uterus, has made rebranding The Marbella her top priority. And on the rest of her pre-Vesuvius priority list?
“Ahhh, nesting, yes, Jane went through this, too,” Raf mansplains, mantastically. “Let me just—”
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS, ASK ME WHAT’S ON MY LIST,” Petra stops him, eyes burning. And again I say, dude! Read! The! Room! Petra’s list is zero nesting, and all moneyed pragmatism. She needs to fix the Marbella’s image, then interview night nurses, then hire someone to set up the nursery. So Raf can either help or butt out, his choice, but Petra’s got shit to do.
Own Your Choices
Rafael
Faced with idea that his image/role as patriarch of a new branch of the Solano family might not be as set in stone as he wants it to be, Raf immediately promises Petra that he will be there, with her and the TWO BABIES, for everything. But his promises don’t last even five minutes, as thoughts of Jane and Michael distract him from Petra’s plans to rebrand the Marbella with classic synchronized swimming romance, and he misses night nurse interviews. “I’m not a second class citizen, Raf,” she tells him during the swimmers’ first rehearsal, reminding him that she knows full well he didn’t choose and so therefore is not beholden to this pregnancy, “so get on the boat or jump ship, just tell me your plans now so I know what to do.”
Raf promises AGAIN that he will be there for her, but Petra knows better than to believe him fully. And when Jane breaks his heart for good at the end of the episode, setting in stone her decision to choose Michael over him and letting him know it is now his job to just get over it, and Raf immediately runs to Petra to throw his lot all in with her and TWO BABIES, Petra knows immediately what’s up. “What happened now,” she asks, wearily. “How did Jane break your heart now?”
And then she repeats her earlier line of not being a second class citizen, then adds to it that nor else will she be a second choice. She alone might have been able to be that coldly calculating, but she’s got two human lives about to explode out of her, and she, like Michael, has actually grown.
And so it all comes down to choice for Raf: choose to get over Jane choosing Michael; choose to love Petra for herself, without any reference to Jane; choose to go home drunk with the first cute girl he sees at the bar.
Oh, Raf.
Luisa
Luisa, recall, just spent a day in the hospital playing a small part in the sting operation that cost the life of the love of her life, and also cost Detective Susanna Barnett the use of her shoulder for a few weeks. The latter was solved (or at least, helped) by Susanna staying over in Luisa’s suite overnight. The former…well, as Jane and Lena’s snooping after hours to see who was actually stealing bottles from the bar uncovered, that help came at the bottom of a vodka glass.
My favorite Monday Scooby Squad
Luisa is mortified to be caught by Jane and Lena, and begs them not to tell Raf. She even goes out of her way to make sure that Worst Boss “Vests” (dumb Scott, the Solanos’ ex-assistant) doesn’t fire Lena for the theft, which is great. Unfortunately, her solution of having Luca (of Jane’s longtime acquaintance and Ro’s weird “gays are cool!” dinner party) secretly replace the bottles costs HIM his job, and also, worse than that (I mean, he’ll get his job back sooner or later), no one telling Raf anything means no one is stopping Luisa from sliding further down her vodka-soaked hill.
She gets so wasted at the Marbella bar the next day that Jane has to take her to her room and call for help, which arrives in the form of Susanna, there to listen to Luisa explain how the little voice in her head just kept chanting the virtues of alcohol to dull the pain of losing Rose. Thankfully, Susanna has a big voice, and a good understanding now of the pull Rose could have on a person, good or bad, and so she compels Luisa to own her disease and her choices and to check back into rehab, so she can get better and get out and then be TAKEN out, by Susanna, who grips her hand lovingly.
Keep this one around, Luisa, you could be great for each other
Xiomara
Xo and Ro spend the first half of the episode trying to convince themselves and everyone around them that they can still be friends, that they don’t need to go through the sadness and forced space that normally follows a breakup, because they are still family who needs to see each other for the rest of their lives. Jane and Alba don’t buy this for one minute, but they let Xiomara and Rogelio figure out their own lives, like adults.
At first, this manifests in Xo agreeing to keep her promise as his date to the Tiago premiere, and to help him run lines. But those lines, being from a telenovela, quickly propel them into dangerous territory, and soon they are in bed together. Jane comes home with Mateo earlier than expected, and Rogelio tries to make a run for it, but Jane catches sight of him as he flies through the front door and realizes she needs to make her mom face facts. The facts being, when Jane was discussing Michael’s possible return with Rogelio earlier, he expressed the opinion that True Love is always meant to be, and that he and Xo are one example, and that maybe, just maybe, she will eventually change her mind about the baby thing. “Basically, Mom, you can’t lead him on.” She made a choice, and she has to own it.
And so Xo decides to skip the premiere, and to ask Rogelio to give her space. She send Jane in her place, and stays home to catch up on Downton Abbey (a boring British telenovela).
Memories of watching it with Rogelio, though, force Xo to finally break down and FEEL the end of the relationship she cared so deeply about, and Jane ends up skipping the Tiago lavender carpet to stay home and comfort her.
Misery II, Starring Rogelio de la Vega
…which is the cruel choice that Rogelio eventually requires that his daughter take ownership of. Tiago was a huge night for him, and he was hurting from losing Xo as much as Xo was from him, and Jane made a choice. And he is a goofy diva, but seeing him hurt and simultaneously be a good parent, aware that even adult children can learn how to be better humans (I learn this lesson all the time, thanks, parents!)—and seeing Jane smart at the truth behind his words, and then act on them—is such a great reminder of how nuanced and well-balanced this show’s writing and characterization is.
Rogelio’s serious and hurt reaction is exacerbated, of course, by the arrival of his new assistant, Paola. Did he tell you she used to work for J.Lo? Like a million times? Because SPOILER, she didn’t! She is his crazy ex-prison pen pal, the one who knows more secrets about his past than anyone, who is stealing his lucky lavender drawers from his drawers, and who has methodically collected all his new personal and home security information all episode while he was distracted by other Xo/Michael-related thoughts! And now she has locked herself into his condo with him, with new locks and a new alarm system and bars on the windows and NO WAY OUT.
Ugh. I’ve seen Misery, and that once was one too many times. Ro! I hope you get out with all your limbs in tact!
Okay, my brogelios—truth time:
NEXT TIME
Jane and Petra have TWO BABIES (that will never get old).
TWO. BABIES.
About the Contributor:
Alexis Gunderson is a TV critic and audiobibliophile. A Wyoming expat, she now lives in Maryland, where she runs the DC chapter of the FYA Book Club. She can be found talking about Teen TV on Twitter, and her longform criticism can be found on Authory.
