I suppose with two amazing episodes in a row, asking for a third was lofty, because last night's episode was a total snoozefest. Too much Ezra, not enough Mona, am I right? Ugh, I'm already dreading the last part of this recap.
THIS WEEK'S MVP
Did anyone even DO anything in this episode? I guess I'll give this one to Emily, who got an A on a Chem test she didn't even show up for, thanks to a favor (?) from A.D., and who figured out that Elliott's burner apartment was trashed to hide all his weird murder knick knacks.
THIS WEEK'S LVP
Giving this one to A.D., the villain that's become so irrelevant, his/her only appearance in the episode was to do something nice for one of the Liars.
BIGGEST SHOCK/WORST SURPRISE
Aria and Emily basically trashing Elliott's burner apartment without worrying about leaving a trail of evidencne behind them. At this point, this show can ONLY end with the Liars in prison, Seinfeld-style. The entirety of Rosewood is covered in Liar fingerprints and long, well-conditioned hairs.
MOST QUESTIONABLE LIAR OUTFIT
Ali was just released from a mental hospital, so I get that she isn't exactly supposed to be the height of street style at the moment, but they put her in ONE confusing cat sweatshirt before going right back to dressing her like a Sunday school teacher. I get that Sasha Pieterse isn't as tiny as the other girls on this show, but I feel like the wardrobe department has given up. "A SIZE 6? WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THAT? Here, wear this mumu."
Runner up to Aria's cape/80s dress combo. She looked like Sandy from Grease time traveled to a John Hughes brat pack movie.
PREVIOUSLY ON PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
Hanna maybe sorta kinda ran over Elliott with her car, then the Liars buried the body and made it look like Elliott had skipped town on a train to Delaware. Caleb confessed his undying love for Spencer but couldn’t wait 24 freaking hours before taking his short-sleeve button downs and bailing on her, so Spencer made out with a dude named Marco at the Radley. Pot Brownie Sabrina and Emily finally got their flirt on. Ezra’s girlfriend Nicole was kidnapped by radicals in South America. And Mona found Elliott’s burner phone as it was ringing with a call from none other than Blind Jenna, who is conveniently back in town.
Welcome Home Here's A Casserole
Aria waits outside Alison’s house wearing an absolutely ridiculous outfit for someone who has absolutely nothing to do that day except deliver a casserole to her friend who is being released from a mental hospital. When Alison pulls up and gets out of the car, she’s followed by Mary Drake. The conditions of Alison’s release from NuRadley state that she has to have someone live with her while a social worker conducts an internal review of her case. And because Alison’s dad and brother have turned into ghosts and are probably too busy haunting Ravenswood, Mary Drake is her next of kin.
"Don't look at me."
Inside, Alison wastes no time calling Mary out for letting some rando turn her crazy. Mary explains that Elliott contacted her after Charlotte’s death, when she was vulnerable. And he was manipulative, so he convinced her that Alison killed Charlotte. But while all Mary wanted was the money, Elliott quickly proved that he was out for vengeance – something she never signed on for. “Well! Feels good to get that off my chest,” Mary says. “I think I’ll have a lie down.” Then she retires to the guest bedroom.
Ghosts with International Calling Plans
Aria is camped out at Ezra’s apartment when he gets back from the Trip he took to Write. (Ezra, if you are a writer who always has to leave town to write, maybe you just should leave town permanently. Or maybe you just suck at writing.) But this time, he didn’t just write – he also went to break up with Nicole’s parents. YUP, he went all the way to NYC to tell his definitely kidnapped and possibly dead girlfriend’s parents that he was back together with the underage student he statutory raped when she was in high school. They were supportive, probably because it meant they were finally rid of him. Lucky bastards.
Later, after Ezra has gone out to stock up on candles probably, Aria is alone in his apartment again when his phone rings in his duffel bag. It says the call is from Nicole, but when Aria answers, she can only hear chaos and reggae music – which I guess is what the writers think South America sounds like. She hangs up and after a brief phone call with Emily, during which Emily tells her that “They had a funeral for Nicole so she is definitely dead” as though this VERY SHOW has not had funerals for people who turned out to be definitely NOT dead, Aria makes the totally stupid yet totally Aria decision to delete the call and not tell Ezra.
Calling it now: Aria and Ezra get engaged and Nicole turns up alive.
Two Girls, One Feral Child
Downstairs in the Brew, Hanna is freaking about the heightened amount of cops everywhere because she’s been out of Rosewood long enough to forget that their police department is mostly just cardboard cutouts of Martin Riggs and Roger Murtaugh. Spencer rolls in just in time to decipher that the cop code she hears means they’ve found Elliott’s car and declared this a missing persons case. Their plan is actually working!
Later, Spencer FaceTimes Hanna from a state park, where she has been searching for Caleb, who apparently reverts back to being a hobo when he gets dumped. Has anyone checked Ashley Marin’s basement or the air ducts at Rosewood High?
Unable to find Caleb at all of his usual haunts (two Ravenswood references in one recap I AM ON FIRE), Spencer goes to Toby for help.
Nerd Spencer is the best Spencer.
And Toby – the bastard! Or, the good friend! – knows where Caleb is but has promised not to tell Spencer. Their conversation is interrupted by the newest supervisor on the Rollins case and non-GWB that Spencer hooked up with in the Radley elevator: Marco Fury, Rosewood Detective and probably adult film star judging by his name. Spencer plays it off SUPER smoothly by pretending they’ve never met, shaking his hand, and bolting from the station.
Emily Has Chemistry (With Everyone)
After 1293 episodes of waiting, it would appear that Emily finally has a love interest. She wakes up on Lucas’ couch, in the world’s most flattering light with nary an eyelash out of place, and Pot Brownie Sabrina hands her a cup of coffee. A sleepover! But an innocent one. Apparently PBS got nervous and talked Emily to death, I mean sleep, then slept in her bed while Emily slept on her own couch I guess. They make out a little before Emily realizes she has a chemistry test that morning and rushes out, only to discover the professor won’t let her in to take it.
Aria joins Emily at Lucas’ apartment and fills her in on everything Mona was able to get off Elliott’s burner phone, which is basically a few texts – one of which simply said “Alison didn’t kill Charlotte,” which is incredibly forthright for this show – but he didn’t keep any names stored in his contacts, and the number he texted was probably also a burner phone. When Ali joins them later, they’ve come up with an address: 23 Wexford Street, Apt 109. Turns out Elliott had a burner phone AND a burner apartment. Aria is certain that Jenna is the one behind all of this, but Emily thinks it could still be Mary Drake. “Nah,” Alison says, “Mary bailed when things got murder-y.”
Mmmhmm *sips tea*
After Alison leaves, Emily gets an email notifying her that she made a 92% on the test she didn't take, followed by a text from A.D. saying, “Thank me later, ungrateful bitch.” Which, TBH, savors of Shower Harvey aggression in my not so humble opinion. “Why would A.D. do me in any favors?” Emily asks Aria. Either I wasn't paying attention or some LiarLogic happened because next thing I know, Emily is texting A.D.'s number with Elliott's burner phone about needing to lay low for awhile, and gets a response telling her to meet at the usual place - which, I guess, means the apartment.
Emily and Aria decide to sleuth right on over to Elliott’s burner apartment, where they pay off the building manager to get a key. The place is a total dump. Like one of those Hoarders episodes only without all the cats. They’re questioning their entire plan and wondering if this is really Elliott’s apartment when the Murphy bed falls away from the wall and a head rolls toward Aria’s ankles. But don’t worry guys, it’s just a fake head to hold all of Elliott’s latex Wilden masks! And there are pictures of Wilden hung up on the wall behind the bed. Oh, and passports in the sink and a ledger in the ratty recliner. Turns out, the Hoarders stuff is actually just a clever guise and Elliott has hidden all his murdery paraphernalia around the place.
Aria wastes no time leaving her DNA all over the damn place. She’s sprawled out on the bed and couch, touching everything she can with her grabby hands. In the ledger book, Elliott – excuse me – Archer Dunhill has noted cash payments to Mary Drake and Jenna Marshall, but before they can snoop further, Rosewood P.D. comes a’knocking at the door.
Thank god it’s only Toby. I don’t think I’ve personally ever been glad to see Toby before now. He warns them that the police have traced his apartment back to Elliott, and Marco’s on his way to comb the place for evidence. Toby, like us, face palms at the amount of fingerprints they’ve left all over the apartment.
Oh yeah, and Emily asks Sabrina out again which I guess is good, but Sabrina is so boring she literally put Emily to sleep while talking to her so how am I supposed to remember to include her in this write up?
Help Me, I'm Poor
After her tete-a-tete with Aria and Emily, Alison heads to the ATM on Rosewood Street and realizes that her bank account has been emptied, then after trashing her bedroom at home, she realizes that Elliott has cleaned. Her. Ass. Out. Everything – her cash, savings accounts, Carrissimi Group shares, gold bars, gold teeth, quarters in the sock under her mattress, secret savings accounts, bonds, other secret savings accounts. They’ve all been emptied.
Mary Drake stalks in like an emo ninja in her all black ensemble, muttering that Alison was banging around so loud she couldn’t hear her Dashboard Confessional album over the noise. Alison rips into her. “You know what I’m after,” she screams. “You helped him double cross me.” Mary pleads innocence yet again, and when Alison storms out of the room, Mary rips a photo of Elliott in half. The most emo.
As Alison’s storming around the house, there's a knock on the door.
Turns out, Jenna had wandered over to Alison’s house to see Elliott, assuming Alison was still in the hospital. When Alison demands that Jenna tell her how she knows Elliott, Jenna tries to bail, claiming that coming to the DiLaurentis house was a mistake. “Your mistake was trying to convince him I killed Charlotte,” Ali yells as Jenna ducks into a cab and gets the hell out of there.
Jenna heads back to the Radley and sits down at the bar next to none other than Shower Harvey, who orders her a drink. They flirt with each other, but it’s weird, man. Real weird. Everything Shower says is just a reminder that she is the most pointless, terribly written character on TV, but at least now that Jenna’s here ordering four cherries in her Tom Collins, Shower’s in good company.
Meanwhile, Alison gets a call from Detective Marco Fury (cue porn music) asking her to come to the station. He got a call from her bank because the amount of money Elliott took from her requires mandatory reporting. The detectives think he targeted her for her money, and possibly targeted Charlotte even before Alison for the same reason. Then he drops the bomb: Elliott got off the train and was last seen in Baltimore.
Ummmm, pretty sure Zombie Elliott renting cars all over the Northeast was not a part of the Liar’s plan, but someone is using his credit card and driving around, and the police are gonna get him. Alison, rightly, freaks the f&$% out.
She runs to tell the Liars everything, and they wonder who else could know that they killed him. Mary maybe? Or Jenna and Shower Harvey? Hanna barfs. Literally. And Aria starts getting urgent texts from Ezra to meet her at the Brew. She excuses herself, ultimately ending this summit. When Alison gets home, her red hoodie is hung up in her bureau, with a note from A.D. telling her that her friends had pinned the whole thing on her, but A.D. knows she's innocent.
When Aria gets to the Brew, Ezra’s nowhere in sight, so she heads up to his apartment and finds the place covered in candles. A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY FOR THE WRITERS TO BURN THIS ENTIRE PLOTLINE TO THE GROUND. But no, instead, Ezra gets down on one knee and proposes to Aria and honestly, y’all. I couldn’t even listen or take notes or care or BELIEVE that the writers would do something so freaking stupid. I can’t. I cannot. Sorry.
Vague Villain Tag
Jenna and Shower Harvey are having drinks at The Radley. “Who’s the extra for?” Shower asks, just as the one and only Noel Kahn appears, looking like an aged DudeBro working on his dad bod. What on earth could this trio of knuckleheads be up to?
Aria probably says YAY or NAY to Ezra's proposal, woo-freaking-hoo, and also TURNS OUT ELLIOTT'S NOT DEAD AND THEY TOTALLY BURIED HIM ALIVE and he crawled his way out (maybe he and Ali are soul mates) and now he's lurking around Baltimore torturing them from afar. God, the Liars can't even do murder right.